So much to say, So little room

[RoofTop]

Yes, I'm asking myself more and more - How much longer will I go on. I want to detach, very very very much. It's something I pray for even if I'm trying to be careful on how I ask. I'm always wondering if detachment is like love - you'll never get there if you look for it because it has to find you.

I agree that my W knows I'm different than the others she'd encountered, but I see the rhyme and reason for her tone and actions towards me. I know I'm being watched by more than my W. Maybe that's what's so hard about detaching, I can't let my guard down and it's not giving me room to breath. I'm of the mind to think I'm my own worst enemy.

T^2, I do think I'm trying to save her from herself. This is quite probable and I would wonder if that's why I'm not curled up in a ball with a broken heart. I see life differently, I've learned that with some elbow grease I can be the person I've always wanted to be. It's amazing how easy it is to not be so aggitated when you actually take the time to understand the source regardless of what that may be. Although, I need a healthy outlet since I really only have distractions and not release. Exercise isn't it since that's been part of life already for years.

I believe she's blind to what the decisions she's been making are having on the the kids. She has a plan and it doesn't involve telling me she was wrong. My W is very stubborn so when she makes a decision, she rarely ever goes back on it. I don't think I'll be the exception to the rule. Reality is not on my side in regards to reconciliation. My W has a ton of work to do and I've had a huge head start. She's spent two years searching for a way out, I spent much of that time searching for answers inside me.

I'm even wondering if I had my own MLC three years back. I questioned everything, felt like a failure, couldn't say I loved my W. I would drink before going to bed in the event she wanted to be intimate because I wasn't attracted to her. I didn't speak much and I spent a lot of time in my room. I was in this state of mind for about a month and my W had finally had enough and snapped at me. I don't recall all that she said to me, but I knew I wasn't living my life the way I wanted or that she and my kids deserved. I pulled out of it, but perhaps never fully. I often would test myself by asking myself if I was forced to decide - my life or my W's, what would I choose? Honestly - I chose me every time. It wasn't until about a year into my W's MLC and my own personal reflection that I received the answer I was looking for - I finally knew that I would give my life if it meant my W could keep hers. Coming to that conclusion made me cry because I couldn't believe how selfish I had been my whole life. Love wasn't about what I wanted or doing things because my W did something for me, it's so much more. I would give my life for my W, not suicidal, but more like donating a vital organ or hostage situation. This doesn't mean I'd just welcome her with open arms IF she wanted to come back. I'm a different person and my heart has lost a lot of trust, but I believe there's no better person to raise our kids - when she's not fighting against me

Where do I go from here? I don't know. Still reading, still learning. Am I wrong about my W? For her sake and the kids, I hope I'm not. It hasn't gone unnoticed by me that many people will finally muster the courage to trust their heart again to someone special only to have the MLC person resurface with all kinds of appologies or desire to reconcile. I've read where we should give ourselves a due date so that we'll have a mental stopping point where we can be honest with ourselves and put reconciling behind us. I set mine some time ago. I knew this wasn't going to be a short trip. I look for validation in me, my W looks for validation from others. I set my due date with the idea that she would take a long time to finally look inside for happiness.

The thing with the IL's is a bit perplexing at times. I know they believe I'll do what's right for the kids, but blood runs thick and I'm not blood. They know I'm a stand up guy, but I don't know what they've been told or will be told. I honestly don't think about it other than when she would tell them of her decision. It's on her to explain it, not me, so I don't think about it. My IL's recations, for me, are their way of telling me they disagree with the decision she's made. I'm okay with that and I'm not going to push myself on their lives. I'm not looking for their acceptance of me, only that they know that I appreciate all they've done for me as a person. They are concerned and concern only goes so far before we forget why we're concerned. I don't do concern very well. It's why I haven't told anyone about my diagnosis other than one person. There's more concern from that one person than I'm willing to accept from others. Concern makes me worry when I have no interest in dedicating time to worrying.

I know we can't do everything ourselves and that's why I'm here in the forums and spending an occasional hour with a therapist. I don't much care for my therapist, but that's because she's not giving me what I'm looking for but that's because I don't know what questions to ask to get those answers. I know that time is the ultimate test of whether or not I'd made the right decisions. It's just that sometimes I feel like a prisoner in a cell with a few distractions, but nothing that can hide the clock that slowly ticks away. GAL, I know and I'm working on it. I'm trying to do new things I've not done before, but nothing is quite fitting right yet.

[tested metal]

RT-

I realize what you are saying about not being able to find the answers.

Could it be that you might be trying too hard to to beat the clock? These things come in their own time.

Have you ever tried hard on a crossword puzzle and just could not find the right word, then put it down for a awhile and come back to it later, only to find the answer comes easily?

Sometime life's answers are like that. I think sometimes we have to remember the things we heard but didn't necessarily listen to. That comes with time. The brain only goes so fast.

You know what to do, now let your body catch up with your thoughts.

Just my two cents.

[AJM]

TM's right. Time is what it takes while you try other things. The answers come when you least look for them.

I know that time is the ultimate test of whether or not I'd made the right decisions. It's just that sometimes I feel like a prisoner in a cell with a few distractions, but nothing that can hide the clock that slowly ticks away. GAL, I know and I'm working on it. I'm trying to do new things I've not done before, but nothing is quite fitting right yet.

I felt that way too. I was reflecting back the other day and realized without a doubt, I couldn't have asked for a better outcome for me. I feel sorry for the kids and miss my daughter, but for me, it's the best outcome. I couldn't have planned it better, really. Sometimes the best answers are unanswered prayers in my case.

As for the GAL. Keep at it. Something will click; let the rest fall away as "asked and answered" right? You tried, didn't like it, and tried something else. That's part of the fun

AJ

[tested metal]

Sometimes the best answers are unanswered prayers in my case.

I personally don't beleive that any prayer goes unanswered. The answer is mainly yes, no, or not yet.

You can't always get what you want, but you will find sometimes you get what you need. - Rolling Stones

[RoofTop]

I personally don't beleive that any prayer goes unanswered. The answer is mainly yes, no, or not yet.

"Ditto!"

Went to the therapist yesterday. I don't go often, but I wanted to at least update her on what's happened in the past few months. I was of the mind that it was the usual waste of my time, but I chose to sleep on it and have managed to come to better terms. I told her about my recent diagnosis and I was getting frustrated with her wasting time on something that's outside her medical expertise. I don't care what hospital might be better than the one my Dr recommended and I don't care about a book she read about a surgeon who found he had a brain tumor. I WANT TO GET THROUGH MY REPRESSED FEELINGS!.

In hind sight, I'm not frustrated with her wasting my time. I spoke to her about my diagnosis and it's the first time it didn't make me cry. I feel as though I'm ready to talk to the in-laws about it once I've had my appointment next month and have more answers. I owe it to them.

Another thing that she spoke about that both humored and frustrated me. She said she was concerned that she's never seen me pop off or be angry. Yet when talking about one of her clients w/ cancer she talked about how she's doing great living a lifestyle of healthy diet and "STRESS FREE". Hello?! If I'm not angry I'm not stressed. Am I alone on that thought process?

I repress feelings - feelings of rejection and sadness. When thoughts come up, I'm quick to remind myself that I am worth fighting for, I'm a good father, a good person, I have a pretty good positive outlook on life in general. I see unhappy people and I do not feel as though I relate to them. I've looked deep into myself and have identified many misconceptions that have led to many of my negative attributes ( acid sarcasm, being critical of others, lazy, selfish ). I believe in the progress I've made because I can lean on that and feel good about myself and the direction my life has taken. I know that I "was" doing this for my W, but I also realized a while back what it was actually doing for me and I like it. I have no feelings of failure that I'm aware of, because I see what I've been able to accomplish and that leaves me feeling content with my life.

What I'm getting at is that in my opinion, you can't live a stress free lifestyle without some way of repressing it. If you can't afford the $300 utility bill, but you can give them $20 now. You can tell yourself all you want that you're happy you could give them something or that you're just happy you're alive, but you can't ignore the stress of knowing that bill will come back next month even bigger and the lights may go out. At some point, we all repress something so perhaps it's how we manage the repressed feelings that makes a difference?

Me? My feelings come in the form of dreams. I remember them daily and they can sometimes set me up for a great day or a Debbie Downer day. The amount of dreams I have with my W is exhausting. It's not everyday, but it's always the same - she hates me. I don't reach out to her and I don't much talk to her, but I can never seem to get away from her and her anger is in all faucets of my dream. Last night I dreamed we were at a sporting event, not together, but there. I showed up later than her and there was someone sitting on each side of her. On the right side there were several nameless faces, on the left only one followed by a bunch of empty seats. She was in the top row so I couldn't sit behind her. I chose to sit several rows down and a section over. I pretended to not see her and paid her no mind, but I could see the anger in her body focusing on me. I felt her watching me and like all the other dreams that I can recall, I never look her in the eyes and if I look at her she never looks me in the eyes.

I'm tired of these dreams. I hate them. I ask for help detaching from my W when I pray. Maybe this is a way to answer my prayers, but I'm struggling to find the purpose of that. I don't want to be afraid of being within visual range of my W and I don't even want to be aware of it (ever). So I don't see the value of being haunted when I sleep. She doesn't like me and I know that and it won't get better as anytime soon. We were friends and now we're not. I've taken that from her for my own sanity and because she knows I do not approve of her decision. Her anger towards me is poop (or undeserving in my opinion) and it frustrates me when I'm around her in person, not dreams. I don't want to build up anger towards my W, because I don't want that to become hatred. Neither of us or our kids deserve that, so if these dreams are a way of answering my prayers for detaching and letting go, I don't want this kind of help.

You can see a lot in someones eyes. The cliche that they are the windows to someones soul is quite profound. I'm constantly wondering what my eyes are telling people even if I'm smiling. I don't think it's what I want them to see and that's what I'm trying to resolve. I should probably start by looking into my own eyes in the mirror and not at my chest. I'm suddenly aware that I don't ever look myself in the eye in the mirror. I'm going to work on that.

[AJM]

What I'm getting at is that in my opinion, you can't live a stress free lifestyle without some way of repressing it. If you can't afford the $300 utility bill, but you can give them $20 now. You can tell yourself all you want that you're happy you could give them something or that you're just happy you're alive, but you can't ignore the stress of knowing that bill will come back next month even bigger and the lights may go out. At some point, we all repress something so perhaps it's how we manage the repressed feelings that makes a difference?

I always look forward to what you write, RT. You are an amazing and thought-provoking person to say the least.

Stress is self-induced. If you try to control, you'll stress. If you let go, you don't. If your perspective is causing you stress, then change it right? Perspective and your approach is the key. You know that though...

I applaud your thoughts on looking into her eyes. I did the exact same thing for a while. Once I was able to look her in the eyes, I changed. That was a huge step. I'm the kind of person that always looks poeple in the eyes. For a while after the BD, I stopped doing that. I didn't like that. It's not who I am. But like you, I was self-conscious of people seeing the sadness. Know what? When I started making that change, I noticed that people responded differently. Know what else? It did huge wonders for my own self-esteem and looking back, it was the first step for me to really dealing with the impact of what happened *for* me.
Like you, I am a good person, a good father, and I like me. I stand by my choices and I thank God every day (now) that she left. That I don't have to deal with her anger and frustrations directly. I'm still working to get her the rest of the way out of my life, but that's because we have kids together and she wants to control a lot of things. My ex tried to erase me from her past both during and since this came to light. She tries hard to forget what she did and said. I feel sorry for her sometimes because I know it must take a lot of effort to maintain that anger.

I never want to be an angry person. It's not my nature, but I've also seen the destruction that goes with it. I realize how weak it makes us. Ironically, it's in our weakness that we have strength. It's part of the human condition.

If you can, start in your dreams. Look her in the eyes. Accept her as she is and as a person in your dreams. Resolve it there first if possible and it will help to set you free regardless of her actions. It helped me to do that, and it may help you as well.

You're an amazing person, RT.
AJ

[RoofTop]

If your perspective is causing you stress, then change it right?

Right! So if I don't like feeling rejected, sad or angry then am I really conducting a harmful level of repressing these feelings?

I'm not immune to them IF I choose to believe in them, but if I see "why" I'm angry or sad or rejected, am I really repressing them if I choose not to feel that way? Why worry if I know I'm going to be fine? Why pop off on someone if I know that expressing my anger only builds natural defenses and I'll fail to get my point across? Anger is something I used to focus on in the gym when I was a regular and I often found it distracting as one thought would lead from one to another and another.

I think I'm making progress in that strangely enough, I'm noticing women more often these past two weeks. Seems kind of odd to me and I'm not sure I'm explaining that right, but I've never been one to have a wandering eye. I've always been mindful of not putting myself into a situation I didn't want to be in and hated it when the neighbors would get all hands-ey on me knowing that it bothered me. It only made me angry that they would persist even after I told them that I didn't oggle women or like being touched by them out of respect for my W. I've always been that way. Either way, I see them and I've been watching me noticing them in a curious sort of way. I'm not of the mind that I'm ready to date. I'm noticing the opposite sex in the way that I'm curious about if there's someone in my future and what kind of person would they be. I'm wary of my potential to string someone along unfairly knowing my heart is not ready. It's just nice to have "feelings" I've not had in a long time.

If your perspective is causing you stress, then change it right?

Ugh! After the past few years of of living like this, knowing my W wanted nothing from me but to escape and shows me nothing but contempt and irritation, it seems like it's still on me to do something. I just want a break from it all. I've been acting like more of an adult for a while now, so I guess it's on me to continue to do so and look at her.

She told me twice over the past year that she found it hard to look me in the eye because she didn't want to give me false hope. I know what she means by that and I don't want to look her in the eye and give her the impression I want to be a part of her BFF plan. I have my own path and looking at her would only be false confidence, but I suppose I have to start somewhere maybe today if she didn't forget about the kids activities.

[RoofTop]

Spoke to my W on the phone the other day. Her texts to me on Tuesday were laced with much agrivation at not being able to reach me. My phone was on vibrate and I wasn't paying attention. Anywho, she wanted my opinion on starting an every-other-weekend with the kids where we each get 2 weekends a month. I'm okay with that and told her so. They are her kids too.

She brought up that S12 told her he blames her for everything. I stayed quiet on this one. My thoughts were that the only person in our family that wanted out of it was her - so yes, blame on! I spent the past few years trying to make it work and she spent that time making efforts against making it work - so yes, blame on! I did not answer her this way. I told her that I do not talk about her or us around the kids and that S12 isn't telling her anything that he's heard from me. I told her that I've heard a lot about it and that I told him that if he'd like to talk to someone about it ( therapist ), I would make it happen. She said she didn't think I was like that to be speaking wrongfully about her, but she wanted to make sure. Whatever. I'm sure her friends that have supported her decision to pursue a D and have helped her move out have heard nothing but great things about me. After all, what clear minded individual would think it's a great idea for a family to dissolve unless they were only hearing one side of the story? <retorical question>

W also told me she has no washer or dryer and has had to wash clothes at EA's house or her friends house <insert my tears>. She wanted to know if we could split the washer/dryer so that we each would only need to buy 1 piece and not a set <how kind of you my dear>. I simply asked her to tell me which piece she wanted and I would take the other. I have every intention of getting something delivered and the old piece put in the garage so she doesn't have a reason to come into the house.

She wants to get together next week to go over bills. I guess I'm going to need to get my cell phone thing figured out very soon, because from what I saw, it was going to be pretty expensive for me alone and she seems to think I'm going to take on S12's account too. I can't say I'm all too bent out of shape that we're both struggling with finances as a repercussion of her decision. This is not happily ever after and the sooner reality slaps her in the face the better. Granted, that will probably only serve to strengthen her resolve even more, but my concern is with me and the kids and I'll be fine regardless.

Over all it was a candid and light conversation. But I got called out later when I met her to pick up the kids. I don't get out of my car. I have no reason to so I don't and if I'm early I'm always reading my school books. She came over to my window and <smiling happily at me> told me that it's okay for me to come out of the car every now and then. That I can acknowledge her even though it pains me to do so. I made eye contact with her a few times and kept my smile. I replied by saying I was reading and didn't notice her pull up. I offer her no excuses and I ask nothing of her. I'm sure it had something to do with her wanting to prove to S12 that we both wanted a D and we're both the better people for it. Whatever...

Another thing she mentioned on the phone to me that bothered me greatly. She said that S12 was going on about all the things I had bought for the house after she moved out. She said he bragged about my new bed and how it can adjust up or down ( it can't and it doesn't ). I was mad at this because she already thinks I'm sitting on a pile of cash and S12 boasting about this only feeds that miscalculation on her part.

I wasn't sure how to approach S12 about this. I needed to make sure he didn't feel shut down for speaking, but I needed him to know it wasn't okay to talk like that to his mother about me if it's not true. I asked him about it and he said he didn't say anything about the bed being adjustable ( that means it costs more ). I told him that he should always feel open to talk to me or his mother, but that he should make sure what he talks about is as true as hearing it from me. I slipped and mentioned that his mom already thinks I have more money than I really do and anything that might sound like boasting would not give her a realistic view point. Eh... oh well.

S12 is trying to get his mom alone so he can talk to her. I reminded him this morning that he should always feel comfortable enough to be able to talk to his mom. What's even more important is that he speak from his heart about HIS feelings. I reminded him that his mom didn't move out because she wanted to get back together with me and right now I'm only concerned about me and the kids so it's important that he leave me out of his conversations about how HE feels. I hope he can hold onto that thought and leave me out of it. He tends to get desperate when he feels his point is not getting across and there's nothing he can do to change his mom's mind about anything right now. Time will tell.

Rereading this post it sounds like I may be a bit irritated, but I'm not. Was just having a bit of fun. Some of my old sarcasm creeping out, but this time I'm smiling vs. frowning.