Yes, I'm asking myself more and more - How much longer will I go on. I want to detach, very very very much. It's something I pray for even if I'm trying to be careful on how I ask. I'm always wondering if detachment is like love - you'll never get there if you look for it because it has to find you.
I agree that my W knows I'm different than the others she'd encountered, but I see the rhyme and reason for her tone and actions towards me. I know I'm being watched by more than my W. Maybe that's what's so hard about detaching, I can't let my guard down and it's not giving me room to breath. I'm of the mind to think I'm my own worst enemy.
T^2, I do think I'm trying to save her from herself. This is quite probable and I would wonder if that's why I'm not curled up in a ball with a broken heart. I see life differently, I've learned that with some elbow grease I can be the person I've always wanted to be. It's amazing how easy it is to not be so aggitated when you actually take the time to understand the source regardless of what that may be. Although, I need a healthy outlet since I really only have distractions and not release. Exercise isn't it since that's been part of life already for years.
I believe she's blind to what the decisions she's been making are having on the the kids. She has a plan and it doesn't involve telling me she was wrong. My W is very stubborn so when she makes a decision, she rarely ever goes back on it. I don't think I'll be the exception to the rule. Reality is not on my side in regards to reconciliation. My W has a ton of work to do and I've had a huge head start. She's spent two years searching for a way out, I spent much of that time searching for answers inside me.
I'm even wondering if I had my own MLC three years back. I questioned everything, felt like a failure, couldn't say I loved my W. I would drink before going to bed in the event she wanted to be intimate because I wasn't attracted to her. I didn't speak much and I spent a lot of time in my room. I was in this state of mind for about a month and my W had finally had enough and snapped at me. I don't recall all that she said to me, but I knew I wasn't living my life the way I wanted or that she and my kids deserved. I pulled out of it, but perhaps never fully. I often would test myself by asking myself if I was forced to decide - my life or my W's, what would I choose? Honestly - I chose me every time. It wasn't until about a year into my W's MLC and my own personal reflection that I received the answer I was looking for - I finally knew that I would give my life if it meant my W could keep hers. Coming to that conclusion made me cry because I couldn't believe how selfish I had been my whole life. Love wasn't about what I wanted or doing things because my W did something for me, it's so much more. I would give my life for my W, not suicidal, but more like donating a vital organ or hostage situation. This doesn't mean I'd just welcome her with open arms IF she wanted to come back. I'm a different person and my heart has lost a lot of trust, but I believe there's no better person to raise our kids - when she's not fighting against me
Where do I go from here? I don't know. Still reading, still learning. Am I wrong about my W? For her sake and the kids, I hope I'm not. It hasn't gone unnoticed by me that many people will finally muster the courage to trust their heart again to someone special only to have the MLC person resurface with all kinds of appologies or desire to reconcile. I've read where we should give ourselves a due date so that we'll have a mental stopping point where we can be honest with ourselves and put reconciling behind us. I set mine some time ago. I knew this wasn't going to be a short trip. I look for validation in me, my W looks for validation from others. I set my due date with the idea that she would take a long time to finally look inside for happiness.
The thing with the IL's is a bit perplexing at times. I know they believe I'll do what's right for the kids, but blood runs thick and I'm not blood. They know I'm a stand up guy, but I don't know what they've been told or will be told. I honestly don't think about it other than when she would tell them of her decision. It's on her to explain it, not me, so I don't think about it. My IL's recations, for me, are their way of telling me they disagree with the decision she's made. I'm okay with that and I'm not going to push myself on their lives. I'm not looking for their acceptance of me, only that they know that I appreciate all they've done for me as a person. They are concerned and concern only goes so far before we forget why we're concerned. I don't do concern very well. It's why I haven't told anyone about my diagnosis other than one person. There's more concern from that one person than I'm willing to accept from others. Concern makes me worry when I have no interest in dedicating time to worrying.
I know we can't do everything ourselves and that's why I'm here in the forums and spending an occasional hour with a therapist. I don't much care for my therapist, but that's because she's not giving me what I'm looking for but that's because I don't know what questions to ask to get those answers. I know that time is the ultimate test of whether or not I'd made the right decisions. It's just that sometimes I feel like a prisoner in a cell with a few distractions, but nothing that can hide the clock that slowly ticks away. GAL, I know and I'm working on it. I'm trying to do new things I've not done before, but nothing is quite fitting right yet.
