Swimming with certain Turtles

[zig]

If we look like a depressed, frumpy lump with no interests, we probably are a depressed, frumpy lump with no interests.

hey there are none of those ^^^^ around here are there? if there are 'fess up right away and the rest of us will whip you into shape pronto!! we ain't havin' none of that round here, no way!!

thanks labug

oh ya - and that pride thing - hey how about a discussion about that? explore that and how to work with and around that? is is a male or female thing or both? do males show it one way, females another? what other emotions play into the picture and is pride an emotion or a character trait?

i think it's worth exploring - especially for those of us whose lbs's may be too proud to come back...

thanks labug
zig

[zig]

thanks reaching - hope you're doing well?

zig

[reachingHigher]

Thanks, zig. Yes.

Just so inspired by the confidence and appearance issues.

I wrote in my journal one year ago that H & I discussed improving my appearance. The next day he bought me a people magazine to look at hairstyles.

At that point he had been 3 years of discontent after his only sibling dying. And just about one year ago, best as I can figure, started his MLC with a vengeance, as it were.

Back to appearance. So I've gone with a curly girl style, all natural, below shoulder length, dyed natural color. We both love it. I'm doing biking and working out, only a couple pounds below my target weight. And I feel great! Sort of, anyway.

I just want to get a better handle on clothes. You are about the same difference age-wise as I am to my H. I totally can't be frumpy, but haven't settled on a decent style for myself that I'm happy with.

For this summer it's tank tops & long flowing skirts. Love it & apparently H does too. Just wish I felt more confident.

I told my IC when H & S12 & I went to the waterpark a coupla weeks ago I only stood up straight when I thought he was watching me! Lol!

I'm attracted by the confidence you have and I haven't even seen you! Wow!

[Brit45]

this is why we are instructed to look nice, smell nice and GAL. Not to impress WAS but to impress ourselves, to boost our confidence.

I love this!!! and it's so true!

For this summer it's tank tops & long flowing skirts. Love it & apparently H does too. Just wish I felt more confident.

confidence sneaks up on you and all of a sudden you're like hang on I'm not doubting myself anymore. My H loves that look too I think because it makes us appear soft and feminine.

[Brit45]

Oh and I am sitting here in three quarter length jogging pants and a tank top...so a bit of a frump but hey it's Monday night I'm home from work!

[bustingout]

Hey zig, just stopping in to say hi :-)

[zig]

thanks reaching- it's nice to know that i am exuding confidence through my posts (grin). that's quite a new one for me - the woman who didn't have the confidence to leave the house about a year ago!! so i relish what you say and hold it close to me - it means more than you can imagine! Thank You:)

i will tell you though - i have worked hard to get it - i have never ever experienced this before - didn't really understand that it existed. i don't feel it all the time - still have to talk myself there, but am noticing that the last few days i have to talk myself to it a little less frequently.

as for you - i hear the slight discomfort about yourself. i have to say that i read your post the day it was written , and have been mulling a bit over what to reply - i have the "feeling" about what to say but not sure if i can articulate it.

i think it comes down to resolving one's inner core issues. the more one works towards doing that, the more one's confidence in oneself begins to grow. what i found really helped was to start appreciating myself and to begin being amazed at what i was capable of, during this sitch. i had never imagined i could be capable of some of things i have been able to do

so i used every difficult interaction with h, where i could act as if, as fuel for that. if i could get through some horrible conversation with him where i didn't lose it, or a family dinner at his parents where i smiled and acted completely fine, an hour after he had dropped some mini-bomb - i would come home and stand in front of the mirror and say - you are way more than i ever expected you to be. i started to become impressed with my own abilities to hold it together under what i perceived as really trying circumstances.

and as the weeks and months flew by, as i watched myself consistently able to keep doing it, i appreciated myself more and more and my confidence grew slowly. then it took leaps and bounds just in the last few weeks as i went through resolving so many of my own issues.

so take whatever little thing you do successfully each day - and congratulate yourself on being able to do it. appreciate yourself and acknowledge to yourself , for yourself what little thing , everything you have accomplished (if it's as little as getting out of bed, because you just want to hide under the covers instead).

and reaching - as you do this - little by little you can see a shift in yourself - and instead of standing up straight for your h - you will just be standing up straight all the time - for yourself.

those skirts and tank tops you wear now with slight trepidation - as you grow more confident, will flow around you and be made more beautiful because of you, and you will feel it. go smile at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how proud you are to be you, and imagine how strong and confident you are.

i couldn't have said this a year ago - but i think the confidence is there within us - we just have to draw it out, to allow it to come out.

i used to be worried about h being so much younger than me - now, i don't care. love isn't about age nor is attraction - so let go of the belief that it is age that makes you not look younger. it's what we feel inside that makes us look a certain way.

i think that on some level, all of us lbs's simply didn't love ourselves enough, weren't confident enough - and on our journey now - that's one of the big goals we have to reach - loving ourselves tremendously and feeling confident enough that no matter what, we are going to be okay and we can handle whatever life throws us. (i'm working on that too, grin!!)

so big hugs -

zig

[zig]

hi brit and busting - sorry didn't reply on my thread for a couple of days and now groan - there are soooo many posts to catch up reading on, that i don't think i'm going to get through them all

hey brit - comfy clothes don't mean frumpy - but it's so nice once in a while to pull out something old and familiar and cosy!!

busting i've been following your thread and so glad that you are having such a wonderful holiday - good for you - taking off before h gets there. woohooo!!

(((((( )))))) both of you
zig

[needgrace]

dear zig,

your post above to reaching made me flat out bawl...

till i read your post, i almost doubted that much growth in confidence was even possible...to go from where you said you started to now..

thank you so much for sharing this with us, bc now i realize that it is possible for all of us.. i can not even imagine, reading your posts now that you ever struggles with leaving the house. what an amazing journey, what a wonderful example...

so thanks a lot for making me cry no seriously, thank you , my tears were full of hope. thank you.

[zig]

journaling-

got invited to in-laws for dinner yesterday for h's b'day. lots of little things - some +ve some not so much, but all in all held myself in a good place. came home and then talked to him on the phone fro a bit - actually had the confidence finally to very calmly, cheerfully ad easily tell him after 11 yrs that i preferred if he didn't tell me how i felt. i think he was slightly disconcerted, but i kept the conversation warm and friendly and light, and so it ended positively. he had done it again last night and actually added when i said i didn't feel that way - yes you do, i'm telling you that you do!!

today, i was a bit nervous about some of the things that had gone down last night between us, expecting total withdrawal. but s's weekend plans made it so i had to call and leave a message for him. didn't hear the phone when he called back, and got a voicemail - warm voice and the longest message he's left since BD - very friendly, co-operative and for him -practically long winded

so then i returned his call a while later . when i said so s and his friend don't want to hang out at your new house while you work (it's still gutted) so they can play here if you want (he's got s on the weekend). he interrupts me and says abruptly - i have to give up the house anyway. i said what house, quite confused - and he proceeded to tell me about how he had given up the rental aug 1st. then he says - i'm going to stay at my parents, is that ok with you? i didn't reply, so he rushed on saying well i have to do that, i don't have any choice do i? (WTF????)

i asked if he was okay and he said why do you ask? i said you seem a bit tense. oh i'm just fine everything is okay. he got a bit sarcastic about how it was going to take another year to get this house done - i laughed and said, oh my gosh are you saying you're staying with them for a year to which he replied oh no it will probably take another couple of months. then he asked why i paused after he asked if it was okay with me, and i said i didn't know what to say, as i don't expect that he would need my okay about where he was going to live.

then he complained for a few minutes about what a harrowing day he had today. i asked him if everything had been resolved and he gave some muddled answer.

the "i don't have a choice, do i" comment - was asked as a question. after he said it 3 or 4 times i asked if he was asking me if he had a choice or was it a statement - he quickly replied no he wasn't asking me. i just said- just confirming, wasn't sure what you meant

the conversation ended positively - as in - he noticed he was getting too comfortable talking with me. as soon as i picked up on that i said well i'm giving the phone to s talk to you later.