Thread #7 - What goes down, might come up.

[25yearsmlc]

Yep. Intead of "boundaries," you've got "geeIreallywishyouwouldn't's."

yep...and for me the saddest part was when you were going to decide "if it's okay" with you

for her to have a R with OM. As in dating him...I mean, what would it take for YOU to be the one to want out of this nightmare?

As for what I DID to change my situation, I protected myself. And I GAL.

I took the kids to Italy for our wedding anniversary b/c I knew h would be gone. Lo and behold, a few DAYS before we were to leave he announced that he could

"go for part of it" and it would require changing a bunch of plans and I said, as gently as I could, "too late, never thought you'd join us since last year you just sent flowers", etc.

It bugged the heck out of him but it was an excellent trip and I barely thought of him the whole time. There was almost no conflict on the trip too.

Also I applied for jobs that would take me overseas after d1 graduated...NOT to where h was living. He realized I was planning a happy life, without him...

I also filed for a sep, NOT a divorce, mainly b/c my Godsent lawyer told me she had hope for us and

all I really "needed" to do was protect our assets from h "investing" with his heroes on the tundra.

He had already gone thru 6 figures in savings of ours to finance his venture, which did NOT pan out the way he hoped, at all.

It cost us a fortune but we did not lose our house. 2 or 3 years ago, which is about 2 or 3 years after I had filed for the sep, he mentioned how happy he was

that "WE DID NOT MORTGAGE OUR HOME TO FINANCE THOSE GUYS" and seemed to have no recall

how that occurred. I don't care if he recalls how I protected our assets, I just did. But a part of me was amazed at his amnesia.

The Italy trip must have bugged him but he did not criticize it (how could he?) so much as sulk. At some point or level he knew it was his doing.

And when he finally left to "check out Alaska" on his own, alone, I stayed behind to help our kids and oldest d graduate.

And I did not want to go. He was a lot lonelier than I was. I'm an extreme extrovert and he's not, and he got depressed and lonely.

I flew up to surprise him for his 50th in part bc I felt sorry for him but also b/c he was saying a lot of things I needed to hear. It seemed like a loving thing to do and it was on my own, not b/c of his asking. It definitely surprised him.

He cried when he saw me. It took another year for him to convince me to join him which I did FOR ONE YEAR and when it did not pan out for HIM

or HIS JOB or HIS ADVENTURE, we jointly agreed to leave.. The question was when. Then his mother got terminal cancer and the decision was fast and swift to leave then and there.

We began piecing, (harder b/c his mom was dying and WE were caring for her, which meant, ME a lot of time) and then we went to Retrovaille after about a year of it, and that gave us some new tools. Dealing with a dying relative is extremely stressful, needless to say. Heck of a time to reconcile and piece.

I also went back to EE for a refresher on communication without heat and also to clarify MY LIFE goals, apart from h. That helped a lot. I'm THRILLED you are going. If you can, if you are comfortable, let me know your first name and I'll pass it on to make sure you get what you need. Sometimes they fill up.

The big downside to my marriage now, is his reserve unit deploys next month so we'll be apart for quite some time with zero physical contact. I hate that and I know he does too. His LL is touch. Not so easy. Mine is quality time together...also not so easy to do 6000 (8000????) miles apart.

But it's an external cause, not a marital one. I know I'll get through it.

Anyhow, enough about me. Just thought I'd give you examples of what I meant by DOING, not talking.

Hope this helps. I KNOW EE will. I cannot wait to hear what you discover and clarify...