Navy, what's the point of these accusations and confrontations? It's already a GIVEN that your wife lies to you, and is in contact with this guy. You know it; she knows it; she knows that YOU know it.
So what's the point, other than to get into cheeseless tunnels with her fogged-out self, and make yourself feel like KRAP in the process? What is your goal in these confrontations?
Damn good questions. And I wish I had a better answer. W firmly insists that she absolutely does not want to be anything more than friends with this guy...and she says that she has seen nothing from him that tells her he wants to be anything more than friends.
I think my reaction was due to the fact that she lied to me and was trying to cover it up. So I wanted to know if it was a "date" or not, and decide if I can be ok with her doing this or not.
Last night was definitely another cheeseless tunnel, and I feel like total krap today. You couldn't be more right.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
I think my reaction was due to the fact that she lied to me and was trying to cover it up. So I wanted to know if it was a "date" or not, and decide if I can be ok with her doing this or not.
And if it was, you're assuming that she'd tell you the truth???
all the talks that "make her feel bad" (b/c you comment on her mistreatment of you) are such a drag....but you pay the bllls and help with the kids...
but FB listens and validates and blah blah blah (and has no idea of the baggage she carries, what a drag she is around you, or how rude she can be or how "overworked" she feels based on...whatever)
and THIS silly stupid "BOY", may be what finally tips you over. It's ironic but frankly, at this point,
if losing your "downer of a roommate" to OM is what it takes for you to see how far off track she is from becoming a wife to you in this decade, then so be it.
I'm truly sorry. I'm sure it'll hurt and your ego will take a wallop
EXCEPT
you already know what the lucky LBSers know, and or have done. You know in your heart of hearts you have given your best. Never forget that.
You have to leave the results up to God and stop "trying too hard," and all the rest of the crazy stuff SHE causes.
i saw this prayer in a book by Marianne Williamson on "The Gift of Change". I thought of you. I hope it'll guide you in this time of pain my friend. "Dear God,
I lay this problem on your altar and ask that you shed light on this trouble.
Please interpret this situation for me.
Please guide me so I can see what I need to see.
Please strengthen me w/courage & faith, to do what I need to do.
Help me to forgive and raise me above my fears,
so I may move towards you and a happier more loving life."
Go be happy Navy, you deserve it. You may not believe that, deep down, but it really is true. I hope your IC helps you see that. And check into "Essential Experience" as a long weekend workshop. You may only need to take one day of leave. IT's Quite profound and not for couples, per se. Mostly it's individuals who go and it's life changing.
You'll feel better about yourself and act w/more clarity and intent than you ever have before. It's on the east coast and it's not cost prohibitive given what THIS life is costing you, it's drivable and housing is offered...(I've attended flying in from Alaska...h went, after he saw MY changes...) Just give it a shot. I want to shake the fog from your eyes and restore your heart and self esteem. Not sure an hour a week, even with a good t, will do that quickly enough.
I think you need it to clear your head and see this for what it is my friend.
Again, I'm so sorry.
Amen 25. Thank you, thank you, thank you. There is an EE workshop at the end of this month. I am going to see if I can make it happen. I just called W to make sure the dates were good, and they are.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
I think my reaction was due to the fact that she lied to me and was trying to cover it up. So I wanted to know if it was a "date" or not, and decide if I can be ok with her doing this or not.
And if it was, you're assuming that she'd tell you the truth???
Starsky
I think it's more than that, Starsky.
I think that he has been treated so poorly by his wife for so long, that it probably stings a little when she makes an effort with someone else. The same effort she doesn't make or won't make with Navy.
I'm not saying that justifies the confrontation, but I believe it's certainly a part of it.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
I think my reaction was due to the fact that she lied to me and was trying to cover it up. So I wanted to know if it was a "date" or not, and decide if I can be ok with her doing this or not.
And if it was, you're assuming that she'd tell you the truth???
Starsky
I think it's more than that, Starsky.
I think that he has been treated so poorly by his wife for so long, that it probably stings a little when she makes an effort with someone else. The same effort she doesn't make or won't make with Navy.
I'm not saying that justifies the confrontation, but I believe it's certainly a part of it.
I agree that may be the dynamics of it. I'm just saying it serves no purpose: it aggravates her, and it agitates Navy. If she lies to him, he gets to deal with more deceit (and most of us who have gone thru this stuff report that the deceit and the disrespect are worse than the actual act of cheating), and if she tells him the truth it will just be another blow to his gut.
Meeting a "guy" when you're married is inappropriate, whatever it's called. The question of whether it was a "date" does not even make sense.
I think you will have to set some boundaries for yourself.
We had another exhausting talk last night. Some of the "low-lights":
SS - I told W this last night. She refuses to see it that way. To her it is just dinner with a friend who happens to be a male. I asked: isn't that how all romantic relationships start?
She continuously insisted she doesn't want a R with him. She says he is someone that has been through the ringer just like her and can help her laugh about it. I asked how she can have a stronger emotional bond with a guy she just met than me. She said it was because he's never hurt her like I have.
I don't think she's lying...but I also don't think she has any respect for my feelings or a clear view of his intent...and she could change her tune at any second. She knew meeting him for dinner would hurt me. She did it anyways. Then she tried to lie about it "to avoid me getting upset and having to talk to me about it".
I told her I think it was inappropriate. All I knew was that she was pissed off at me, told me she needed a break, and went and had dinner with some guy that she just met. That's all I knew and that's what I reacted to.
She then told me that I'm still trying to control her and tell her who she can and can't be friends with. I said this is the first person I've ever had a problem with you being friends with.
She doesn't understand how I can acknowledge our marriage is over and not be ok with her R with this guy. Even if they did have romantic intentions. She said she tried calling her 1 GF here in the area first and she didn't answer, so she called him. She sees him the same as she sees Ohio BFF. This great person that will never judge her on anything and help her through a tough time.
And now, all she sees is that I am selfishly taking that away from her because I don't want to deal with the pain that it causes me.
I said before that if I had to bring this guy up again, it would be followed by D paperwork. Now we have this MC planned. I don't know if I want to wait until after that, or just pull the D trigger now.
The pain has to stop.
This just all needs to stop.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
I told her I think it was inappropriate. All I knew was that she was pissed off at me, told me she needed a break, and went and had dinner with some guy that she just met. That's all I knew and that's what I reacted to.
She then told me that I'm still trying to control her and tell her who she can and can't be friends with. I said this is the first person I've ever had a problem with you being friends with.
She doesn't understand how I can acknowledge our marriage is over and not be ok with her R with this guy. Even if they did have romantic intentions. She said she tried calling her 1 GF here in the area first and she didn't answer, so she called him. She sees him the same as she sees Ohio BFF. This great person that will never judge her on anything and help her through a tough time.
And now, all she sees is that I am selfishly taking that away from her because I don't want to deal with the pain that it causes me.
Navy,
You're still not understanding correctly the difference between "ultimatums" (controlling) and "boundaries" (healthy).
Let me see if I can find something in my notes that might help you. Be right back in a jiff . . .
Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.
Your wife can do whatever she wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling her what to do.
But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.
She's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because she'll be outside your circle. She's free to go on and draw her own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.
She can do WHATEVER he wants. She's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices she wants. BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.
That's all. Not about trying to control her at all. Tell her she's totally free. She has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever he wants.
If she's saying you have to let her into your circle no matter what, then THAT is about HER controlling YOU.
