Thread #7 - What goes down, might come up.

[Navyguy]

This^^ implies that a 'friends only' r is okay with you, but that you want her to be a "nicer friend"....but I thought you wanted a marriage?

I do want a real marriage, more than anything. But, TBH, I have been bouncing back and forth with being ok with a "friends only" R and not being ok with it.

you mean where she's not rude or self absorbed and interacts like she's part of the family? THOSE expectations?

Yes, those are the expectations. I don't think they're ever going to go away - even if we just live as friends. If she can't handle them, this isn't going to work. Hopefully our upcoming MC provides some clarity on that for both of us.

THIS^^^ belief is a problem...b/c YOU are not the reason she acts this way.

Does it really happen w/a lot of others in your life? At work or church, are there a lot of folks who avoid you? Really?

Why must you assume you are the cause? You just aren't.

She's not active or happy elsewhere, is she? REALLY? And I don't mean after 2 bottles of wine...I mean genuinley content.

You assume you are the cause and I don't buy it. BUT I DO BUY That a root of your issues is you assuming far too much responsibility for HER happiness...and it has backfired on you.

No, it doesn't happen anywhere else in my life. W pretty much doesn't have a life outside of our home. She blames me for that. She is not content with any aspect of her life, and she has told me that. I have assumed a lot of that responsibility and I know I need to stop.

so how is this belief system and the path it creates, wherein YOU are the "be all" of HER happiness/sadness pattern, and how YOU MAKE HER behave certain ways, working out for you?

Horribly. Absolutely horribly. I have tried to lift W's pain off her shoulders through my actions, and it just doesn't work. Like you said, it just backfires on me.

Is it helping/working well? Is it even accurate? IS it possible you just need to own YOUR STUFF and not one bit of hers?

That is a tough one - in her eyes, everything falls into the "your stuff" category. Maybe I am being self-centered here, but anytime she's upset about anything, whether I caused it or not, she takes it out on me and nobody else.

so ALL of ^^^ this is still your fault? Wow, Navy I can't decide if it's self centeredness or a martyr complex but my friend, you have to get the blinders off...

I don't know. I guess I just need to end our conversations and walk away when she starts blaming me for her actions. I get it beat into my head that I did all these terrible things and then I start trying to explain myself. I have to stop that.

No you do not really "need" to talk to her. She knows she's mean to you!
She does not care to change...which means she's not going to be kind.

SO Just don't tolerate it anymore and get the heck out of Dodge. But dont' hold your breath about her "Waking up."

Even if she does get it, it may simply be too hard for her to look inward. She says she has been miserable for 6 years but hasn't done a thing to improve HER LIFE, let alone the marriage.

Do you have Asperger's? Are you a fool or unhygienic? What is it that is so odd and annoying about you? My GUESS is that it's not you and that you do a lot of false analysis based on your premise that HER behavior is caused by you.

And btw, even for a roomate, she's just a drag. She's rude. And for a woman who is technically your wife, she and you are setting a bad example for the kids. For the life of me, idk how it can be better to live the way SHE wants to and say that is best for the kids?

Yeah...talking has gotten me nowhere. If I'm unhappy with the situation, I need to change it. I know that. I'm still not sure what stops me from doing so.

Lol. No Asperger's or being unhygenic that I know of. One might be able to make an argument that I'm a fool though.

IDK how this sitch is better for anyone. Hopefully MC will clarify that for us.

The words did not matter. He could not "hear" me...

my actions were a lot more noticeable.

By actions...you mean when you filed for D?

WTH??? Stop that wacky thinking. You are NOT to blame for her actions. You can stop "needing to tell her" THE OBVIOUS=

Having endless talks about her being a witch to you, but you "expecting more" is not helping. You seem to think that you wanting a real marriage, or even friendly behavior, needs explaining. It doesn't.

I agree...and I guess my actions need to reflect that. I have to choose not to be treated like crap.

small example of you, again, taking on the job of getting HER a c appt. I mean, really? This is part of your cycle. You take on HER needs and never fill your own, which you resent, but deny.

And that denied need converts into overt neediness and clingling and she pulls farther away. BE a tad indifferent. Let her make her own dang appointment and if she does, good. If not, so what?

You go to yours...that's it. From there, see what develops but get out of this cycle.

While I think a good mc is usually a positive,

I do not expect a c to help this b/c you want a marriage but imo, your wife wants a roof over her head, a clean house with bills paid, and a babysitter...sorry

The C is for both of us, together. Since I am already working with an IC, I offered to ask for us to be referred to a MC. If W wants IC, she knows the phone # to call.

I also don't think that this MC will save our marriage. I told W that last night. We may find out that what she wants is impossible, but I'm willing to go see if we can find a way.