Some of us wher alluding to the fact that NO amount of romantic guestures, being sexxy and attractive, thoughtfulness, love languages will be enough to make certain LD partners want to be sexually active.
I didn't say you are "alluding to" it, you guys have outright said it. And I agree that it's true in SOME cases. I don't think it's very common that the man has nothing to do with his w's low sex drive, and surely he ought to rule that out as well as he can.
I'm saying what are you going to DO about that? Venting is only so helpful b/c it CAN lead to being stuck in a rut of whining and nagging, which I recognize in myself on other issues.
Some people have it set in their mind that they just are not going to do it, and there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot convince them to be reasonable, to put someone elses needs above their own. Sometimes it is a physical and hormonal issue that makes them not WANT or not able to FEEL like it, other times it is psychological.
We have to construe that some cases it was the HD partners "fault", and many times it was NOT the HD partners "fault". That it may well be some buried evil intention ( for example the case of the woman who married the guy for the green card. And the other case the man who married her just because she was financially well off... ) that there never was love or feeling for the person in the first place. That it was a trick. not to quibble but that's^^ just fraud. It's not "low sex drive", per se. I thought we were discussing sexless marriages, or marriages with too little sex for one of the partners, on a chronic basis, and NOT for a physical reason. Correct?
We pretty much have boiled this down to something very simple.
After a certain amount of time, even if you do not WANT to do something or don't feel it. What about your partner? Does it really make sense to go even one month without providing intimacy, or even simple physical affection to your partner. I thought that's^^^ what I boiled that down to. I have done what A LOT of women (and men I bet) have done. Make love b/c I want to, b/c I love my h, or b/c he wants to and his needs matter enough to me to say yes, even when I don't really "feel like it". In my mind, and in many of my close friends', you have to have a pretty decent reason to say no. And decent reasons are usually obvious..."I've been vomitting all day, sorry" and most h's don't ask at times like that. Make sense?
you guys claim, vigorously, that in your cases you are in a situation that is untenable and that is unlikely to change. IF SSMs assessments are accurate, then his wife is NOT being loving enough to him in a way that means a lot to him. Period.
MY QUESTION is, what are you going to DO about it?
The only case I can see not, even in a "LD" situation is if the "LD" partner was molested, raped or had a traumatic incident create the condition. In this case, they would take therapy to get over it.
I wish you all the best. But at some point to remain in certain situations, you will always be in a "martyr" position and it is IMPOSSIBLE to be in another position due to the way the other person looks at you.
I don't know who you mean or what you are saying here. Please explain.
Are you a martyr or your wife is or what?
Do you want to be?
25yearsmlc,
I'm done with the situation that put me in DB-land in the first place. I will never again be with someone who is not thinking about me and my needs unless it is for a short period of time and I'm on the way out.
I learned a lot from my situation. I wish I learned it much earlier in life when the costs where not as high.
I'm now alot more choosy of who I will partner with but it's for a very good reason.
