While trying to still be upbeat and happy around her, I do think I have allowed myself to let her know that I'm always there. That reassurance perhaps acts like a safety net to her - and while she explores other venues she always knows that her husband would take her back if things did not work out. The backsliding I did I am sure did not help either.
My W keeps telling me that she's just not sure whether she wants to end things or to go on trying. She says she is waiting for some feeling to help her to move in some direction, and meanwhile I live in limbo waiting for her to figure things out.
Our therapist warned her that there is no "butterflies in the stomach" sort of reaction that she's going to get with someone she's been with for 12 years - married 11. It will be different, and she needs to watch for that rather than some romantic ideal.
As the limbo continues I have begun to look more outward. She continues what is essentially an emotional affair with the man she works with - from whom she gets attention and claims they have fun conversations as friends. I don't seem to have any outlet for the things that I'M missing, so in my bitterness I wonder when I get to have my EA. It's not a healthy way of thinking, but without feeling desired or getting outward expressions of love for a long time it feels pretty bad. I can find hobbies until the cows come home, but they won't replace that.
When I presented to her last night my thoughts that I feel myself fading and putting up defenses, she did say we can work on things but take them slowly. Now that's a mixed message - not sure what I want to do about the marriage but we can work on things slowly. She admits she's confused, but if she does want to work on things it would HAVE to involve the both of us together, correct? Makes it harder now to detach if that's the case.
Just all so confusing.
M = 44 W = 47 Mar = 11 years T = 12 years S8, d10, ss22 ILYBINILWY June 26, 2012 I need to be free and live July 10, 2012
