Needing some guidance... 5

[25yearsmlc]

JKS, I'm sorry this hurts you so. But as someone else said, you knew this already. And I would NOT feel "betrayed" by his parents. Don't assume they were comfortable at all with any of this. I'm betting they were mortified.

But here's from your FIRST Post when I think a lot of information was put there but you didn't see it from HIS perspective. You seemed to think that his not telling you how miserable he was, is somehow the equivalent to how you helped him feel that way. It's just not.

You wrote:

Over the years I have struggled with depression and have had major anxiety in getting things done... i.e. cleaning the house, running my business... I was basically living in chaos ALL the time and feeling overwhelmed. Continually felt like I was drowning and just trying to keep my head above water, especially when baby #3 came along.

My husband has been my rock. He would ALWAYS pick up the slack for me... cleaning, taking care of the kids when he could, organizing, cooking... everything. Call him amazing... he is!!

Okay JKS, THIS^^^^ is A WHOLE LOT of stuff you took for granted. But see how it gets glossed over or summed up in the next sentence by you.

However,[b] his downfall is that he never had a serious talk with me about how all of this was affecting him. In fact, he was still showing me in little ways that he loved me and so when it all came crashing down, it was very, very confusing.[/b]

So if he'd mistreated you, or been ugly or unloving, that would have been so much better? Really?

Well, change of plans...

Drove past H's parent's house on my way to my brother's house and guess who's car was there? Yup, OW's. I stopped immediately and went to the house and walked right inside the house and there they were all (meaning his mom, sister, OW and H) sitting on the couch just chatting away. OW's face was pretty priceless.

I just looked at my H and said, can I talk to you? So we went outside and talked for a while and he basically said all the same things he's said before about how his connection with OW will never be like his connection with me but he's still so confused. He just wanted to go to his therapy session tomorrow and lay it all out and get a 3rd party's perspective. He was really looking forward to it because he says he struggles everyday with what to do.

ever think, "gee, he's confused. That makes sense"??

I said, you're already making the decision by continuing to hang out with her and your family. Why is it that when you're trying to figure things out that you have to have her around? You're just making it harder on yourself and harder on her. Maybe try finding your own happiness and finding yourself rather than trying to find it through someone else like you once said to me.

I don't know folks... I mean, really? How much longer can I put up with this?


Well that is up to you. But in my opinion one thing is clear. He fears that your changes are not real or lasting and that if he goes back to you, the marriage will revert to the one it was, and he left THAT marriage. And it made sense, didn't it?

Didn't he need to get out of there? IF he had not left, would you have worked on your life nearly as hard as you are now?


It got so bad during the conversation that I actually FAINTED!! Yup, totally lost it and was completely out of it.


I'm sorry you were not able to handle the situation YOU put yourself in by entering the house and "losing" it like that. You state you are "glad" you went in. I'd rethink that.

It's one thing to confront him but a totally different matter to just collapse. I'm sorry it hurt you so much that you fell down and I hope you did not physically get hurt.

I also hope you won't enter situations that you are not able to handle, anymore. I don't mean to kick you when you're down, but fainting is a bit too Scarlett Ohara.

I KNOW, IT JUST HAPPENED, but don't wear it like a badge of valor or "Wounded in Action" Purple Heart. It looks weak and it seems literally out of control.

It does not prove your love for him. Do you get that?



I sat there on his lawn thinking, I have no where to go. He gets to walk right back inside and has OW to comfort him and make him feel better along with his family and I have NO ONE!! The worst feeling in the whole world.


but that^^ is not HIS responsibility. What do you mean you have "no one"? You have zero friends or family members? Come on now, don't wallow so much you can't see the abundance in your life. That's not healthy OR HIS fault.

THis is yet another reason we hammer the point about GAL. IT's crucial to OUR well being.


---More and more I'm seeing a different side to him than I've ever seen. How can I want to be with someone who could care less about what I do? He doesn't appreciate me.

who said he doesn't care about you? Why the mind reading? And

given how you described the marriage, tell me why you are the better choice.

Please leave out being the mother of his children, which IS a reason but I want to hear what is great and special about you as a partner to him.


How have you become a woman only a fool would leave?



His connection is so strong with OW (or so he thinks) and I am not going to compete with that.

Why not? Because your ego is wounded and it feels "too insulting"? Or b/c you don't think you'll "win"? Why won't you?

I have so much more dignity in myself than I ever did before and although it makes me sick to my stomach to end things. I'm really feeling like we will not progress into anything while he's cake eating and I'm allowing it. OW is not going anywhere and I am the backup.


didn't HE suggest the c? Why would he do that? Does he seem happy or confused

b/c he sure acts confused. If he were "cake eating" I don't think OW would be around so much b/c he'd hide her as long as he could "cakewalk". I don't think he'd suggest mc.

He seems in pain and confused. If his confusion is too much for you to cope with, so be it. But you have to own some of this, dontcha think?

I cannot accept that in a M and will not accept it. I know without a doubt that I will be gone and he will regret all of these decisions he's making.

JKS, this^^^ is pure wounded pride/ego talk. I get it. I know it. Been there, done that. But don't let it guide your choices.

The fact that he's been questioning his decision to continue with her just proves that.

proves what?


But at this point, time for me to move on... it's getting old.


how long has it been going on? How long was the marriage? How long have your changes been made to counter the negatives that he perceived and that were real? When you think YOU really began DBing?

And we know that also means there were some backslides AND every time you get too emotional, it triggers a bad memory in him.

Someone here said it takes about a month of true change for every year of marriage, to get a WAS to believe in the changes...




Really having some major thoughts of just filing. There's only so much of this that I can take after he repeatedly tells me that he just wants his family back together. I do not feel bad about going to his house tonight. Their behavior is sooooo inappropriate.

what specifically was inappropriate? Your inlaws like you, right?

So OW came over and sat in their house. They were not making love, right?

What would you have them do, realistically?

IF they call her a "whore" for seeing a man who is separated from his wife (who MIGHT make their son happier than he was w/you)

he'll disconnect from them and they'll have lost him, you and their grandkids.


Food for thought.