Needing some guidance... 5

[reachingHigher]

jks, wow! How incredibly disheartening and painful. Had you ever seen OW face-to-face? What a letdown after feeling so much progress with H.

I read your post at 3 am and thought about it for a while to let it sink in. I think I've read here to not make decisions quickly based on volatile feelings. Who wouldn't have felt the (totally understandable) way you did though? But maybe let it cool off a little while before making a big decision?

My H always used to tell me, when I found out something and reacted strongly to it, that nothing has changed except I know about XYZ. IOW, it's not a new thing. You just saw it and were there. And painfully there.

Being an emotionally un-involved outsider, I actually liked that he is confused. He wants to still give you a chance. He wants someone else to tell him what to do, so he doesn't have to do it? Too painful for him?

How is he cake-eating? You aren't ML are you? It didn't sound like it. (not that I think anything is wrong with that, certainly)

jks, you have such a sweet spirit. You are obviously so mature for your age and have been through a lot. A lot! Maybe decide to put off this decision for a little while? At least until you hear what the counselor and H say.

The counselor thing is new, right? Maybe let it give it some time to work, like a medicine that gets in your system (or H's system). Give this new angle, with the counselor some time. After all, if he did choose to leave OW, it would be great for you in the long run.

I'll be thinking about you today. I'm familiar with emotional pain. I'm happy to say it's only a visitor now not a constant companion. But I know you are hurting today and I want you to get through it!!!!

Hugs to you today!!!!

[2thepoint]

I have so much more dignity in myself than I ever did before and although it makes me sick to my stomach to end things. I'm really feeling like we will not progress into anything while he's cake eating and I'm allowing it. OW is not going anywhere and I am the backup. I cannot accept that in a M and will not accept it. I know without a doubt that I will be gone and he will regret all of these decisions he's making.

You've answered your own question here and you are absolutely right!

The fact that he's been questioning his decision to continue with her just proves that. But at this point, time for me to move on... it's getting old.

Do you really believe this? The "questioning" is nothing but script. He's having an affair, pure and simple and it is like a drug for him and he can't pull himself away. He has to get his fix and will say anything to make it happen. You need to understand this and accept that this is the way it is for now.

Really having some major thoughts of just filing. There's only so much of this that I can take after he repeatedly tells me that he just wants his family back together. I do not feel bad about going to his house tonight. Their behavior is sooooo inappropriate.

He may very well want his family back but his actions sure do suggest otherwise, don't they? Have you at least consulted a lawyer so that you understand your rights?

Here's the thing, Your H is having an A and he likes how it makes him feel....enough so that he dumped you for the OW. That does not make you any less desirable, it simply makes him an adulterer. He may one day wake up out of his A induced fog but it isn't going to happen any time soon.

This is only my opinion so take it for what it is worth. In order for you to know if there is ever going to be a chance to R with your H, you need to set him completely free. No strings, no if's and's or buts. He has to know that you are moving on, with or without him. Dropping in on him does not send that message.

Will filing send that message? Perhaps. Is it your only solution? Not necessarily. You need to go way dark and stay there. Go GAL like you've never done before. Start doing things completely for the benefit of JKS and no one else. Become selfish for yourself and see where that leads.

You've got to let go and let God as the saying goes.

Can you do it?

[adinva]

JKS sending you hugs and strength. You can get through this.

It's awful to feel alone but you've got to find what you need inside yourself. You can't get that caring and support from H right now, and as hard as it hurts it will be good for you to learn to take that care of yourself.

What do you do when you're extremely stressed out? Something relaxing or physical exertion? I'm doing combinations of those things - planning fun events to look forward to, getting exercise even when I really don't feel like it. More sleep? Healthy food? Manicure? How about meditation tapes or yoga?

You've got to do it, because H is not going to be shaken out of his foolheadedness out of concern that you fainted. And who knows what he's said to his family to get them to accept ow sitting on their couch? It -censored- but you've got to be your own support, for you and so you can be there for your kids.

I wish I could help you more. (((hugs JKS)))

[25yearsmlc]

JKS, I'm sorry this hurts you so. But as someone else said, you knew this already. And I would NOT feel "betrayed" by his parents. Don't assume they were comfortable at all with any of this. I'm betting they were mortified.

But here's from your FIRST Post when I think a lot of information was put there but you didn't see it from HIS perspective. You seemed to think that his not telling you how miserable he was, is somehow the equivalent to how you helped him feel that way. It's just not.

You wrote:

Over the years I have struggled with depression and have had major anxiety in getting things done... i.e. cleaning the house, running my business... I was basically living in chaos ALL the time and feeling overwhelmed. Continually felt like I was drowning and just trying to keep my head above water, especially when baby #3 came along.

My husband has been my rock. He would ALWAYS pick up the slack for me... cleaning, taking care of the kids when he could, organizing, cooking... everything. Call him amazing... he is!!

Okay JKS, THIS^^^^ is A WHOLE LOT of stuff you took for granted. But see how it gets glossed over or summed up in the next sentence by you.

However,[b] his downfall is that he never had a serious talk with me about how all of this was affecting him. In fact, he was still showing me in little ways that he loved me and so when it all came crashing down, it was very, very confusing.[/b]

So if he'd mistreated you, or been ugly or unloving, that would have been so much better? Really?

Well, change of plans...

Drove past H's parent's house on my way to my brother's house and guess who's car was there? Yup, OW's. I stopped immediately and went to the house and walked right inside the house and there they were all (meaning his mom, sister, OW and H) sitting on the couch just chatting away. OW's face was pretty priceless.

I just looked at my H and said, can I talk to you? So we went outside and talked for a while and he basically said all the same things he's said before about how his connection with OW will never be like his connection with me but he's still so confused. He just wanted to go to his therapy session tomorrow and lay it all out and get a 3rd party's perspective. He was really looking forward to it because he says he struggles everyday with what to do.

ever think, "gee, he's confused. That makes sense"??

I said, you're already making the decision by continuing to hang out with her and your family. Why is it that when you're trying to figure things out that you have to have her around? You're just making it harder on yourself and harder on her. Maybe try finding your own happiness and finding yourself rather than trying to find it through someone else like you once said to me.

I don't know folks... I mean, really? How much longer can I put up with this?


Well that is up to you. But in my opinion one thing is clear. He fears that your changes are not real or lasting and that if he goes back to you, the marriage will revert to the one it was, and he left THAT marriage. And it made sense, didn't it?

Didn't he need to get out of there? IF he had not left, would you have worked on your life nearly as hard as you are now?


It got so bad during the conversation that I actually FAINTED!! Yup, totally lost it and was completely out of it.


I'm sorry you were not able to handle the situation YOU put yourself in by entering the house and "losing" it like that. You state you are "glad" you went in. I'd rethink that.

It's one thing to confront him but a totally different matter to just collapse. I'm sorry it hurt you so much that you fell down and I hope you did not physically get hurt.

I also hope you won't enter situations that you are not able to handle, anymore. I don't mean to kick you when you're down, but fainting is a bit too Scarlett Ohara.

I KNOW, IT JUST HAPPENED, but don't wear it like a badge of valor or "Wounded in Action" Purple Heart. It looks weak and it seems literally out of control.

It does not prove your love for him. Do you get that?



I sat there on his lawn thinking, I have no where to go. He gets to walk right back inside and has OW to comfort him and make him feel better along with his family and I have NO ONE!! The worst feeling in the whole world.


but that^^ is not HIS responsibility. What do you mean you have "no one"? You have zero friends or family members? Come on now, don't wallow so much you can't see the abundance in your life. That's not healthy OR HIS fault.

THis is yet another reason we hammer the point about GAL. IT's crucial to OUR well being.


---More and more I'm seeing a different side to him than I've ever seen. How can I want to be with someone who could care less about what I do? He doesn't appreciate me.

who said he doesn't care about you? Why the mind reading? And

given how you described the marriage, tell me why you are the better choice.

Please leave out being the mother of his children, which IS a reason but I want to hear what is great and special about you as a partner to him.


How have you become a woman only a fool would leave?



His connection is so strong with OW (or so he thinks) and I am not going to compete with that.

Why not? Because your ego is wounded and it feels "too insulting"? Or b/c you don't think you'll "win"? Why won't you?

I have so much more dignity in myself than I ever did before and although it makes me sick to my stomach to end things. I'm really feeling like we will not progress into anything while he's cake eating and I'm allowing it. OW is not going anywhere and I am the backup.


didn't HE suggest the c? Why would he do that? Does he seem happy or confused

b/c he sure acts confused. If he were "cake eating" I don't think OW would be around so much b/c he'd hide her as long as he could "cakewalk". I don't think he'd suggest mc.

He seems in pain and confused. If his confusion is too much for you to cope with, so be it. But you have to own some of this, dontcha think?

I cannot accept that in a M and will not accept it. I know without a doubt that I will be gone and he will regret all of these decisions he's making.

JKS, this^^^ is pure wounded pride/ego talk. I get it. I know it. Been there, done that. But don't let it guide your choices.

The fact that he's been questioning his decision to continue with her just proves that.

proves what?


But at this point, time for me to move on... it's getting old.


how long has it been going on? How long was the marriage? How long have your changes been made to counter the negatives that he perceived and that were real? When you think YOU really began DBing?

And we know that also means there were some backslides AND every time you get too emotional, it triggers a bad memory in him.

Someone here said it takes about a month of true change for every year of marriage, to get a WAS to believe in the changes...




Really having some major thoughts of just filing. There's only so much of this that I can take after he repeatedly tells me that he just wants his family back together. I do not feel bad about going to his house tonight. Their behavior is sooooo inappropriate.

what specifically was inappropriate? Your inlaws like you, right?

So OW came over and sat in their house. They were not making love, right?

What would you have them do, realistically?

IF they call her a "whore" for seeing a man who is separated from his wife (who MIGHT make their son happier than he was w/you)

he'll disconnect from them and they'll have lost him, you and their grandkids.


Food for thought.

[labug]

We often think D is the answer, that somehow that piece of paper will make out lives easier. But will it really? The pain will still be there, until it's not and the only way to overcome that is to keep moving forward, taking care of your self.

You may need to file to move on emotionally, I don't know you that well. But if your filing is based on this belief,

I know without a doubt that I will be gone and he will regret all of these decisions he's making.

then maybe you should wait a while.

[sayitaintso]

JK- I'm sorry to hear about your most recent interaction, that had to have been very difficult.

IMO their are some steps you can take instead of just filing for D but if that is where you think you are then you will get nothing but support from me and most others on here I would imagine.

Give yourself at least a couple days to make sure you are making that decision from a more rational and less emotional mind state.

From the outside looking in I see a lot of positives in your sitch that I don't see often in others on here. I know thats tough to see from your vantage point in the moment.

You've received some great advice ^^^^^.

I agree w/ 2 & Vina that you need to go dark/er and really GAL to try to detach further emotionally from your h's actions and behaviors.

You are not alone JKS.

[Accuray]

JKS,

If there's one thing I'd take from this, it's to stop driving by his place, OW's place, and his parent's place -- that's triggering you and you're going off.

Righteous indignation won't bring him back, give counseling a couple months, the fact that he agreed to go was a major positive step, he's only gone once with you and hasn't gone at all by himself yet.

OW is an addiction, it's going to be very hard for him to put it down, very hard. The counselor can help, but it will take time.

I definitely would not storm in there again, you're going to make them all resent you for making them feel badly. You may feel that you won a battle but you set yourself back in the war.

Accuray

[jks]

My head is pounding. So much crying and confusion.

I just want to end my pain. I'm so tired. Thanks for all of the advice. I can't think today. I just feel depleted.

[scaredsilly]

So sorry for your pain. We are all here for you. Listen to the caring advice you're getting here. You will get through this. Sometimes it's just one hour at a time.

[2thepoint]

JKS - It's time to recharge in any way that normally works for you. Is there a way for you to get away for a few days by yourself so that you can sort things out? During periods when I've been feeling particularly low, I've been able to get away. Once was to Madrid, Spain for a week, another was to Sedona, AZ for a few days. Find what works and do it. You'll feel better when you do.

((((JKS))))