I just want to be friends...Pt3

[breakdownbill]

Hi YC

Sounds like a lot of good stuff is happening on your trip to Greece.

A couple of things that you mentioned about your H and your family in that post and in a few previous posts, got me thinking a little.

on the day that they were all arriving (he was coincidentally travelling with my mother, brother, and another family member on the same flight), my mother called me. Yep, my mother called me on her mobile and said, "Here, let me give the phone to H." i found it to be silly for my mother to have to call me just to hand the phone over.

You are right about this not being a coincidence, your H travelling with your mother. If I remember right your H has had dinner at least once or twice with your mother recently, so he's rekindled that R with your mother, why?

IMO he's laying some groundwork, now it might not be the conventional way or type of groundwork that you'd hope for, but he's doing a couple of things here.

1. By getting close to your mother, he'll feel accepted within the family group dynamic, family occassions spent together will be more enjoyable (he won't think he's being judged or over-analysed).

2. I really think he sees this as a step to getting closer to you, and that he can leverage mum's influence to move things along (positively move things along)without any R talk.


OK now back to the trip

There was no touching or physical affection on the first day. The second day, once again - really lovely, and enjoyable - almost back to our old active and bouncy dynamic. (a slow start - but progress every day)At night on the second day, he held my hand in bed - something he used to do a lot when we were together. Slowly, affection was rising.... I definitely recognized my H again. We talked and discussed everything as we always did, and I felt we had such a good relationship. My own feelings were right at the surface. In fact, I was beginning to wonder why at all we had split up - great friendship, dynamic, attraction, and I could feel his own feelings and love coming up to the surface too. He even said a couple of times to people here, "I am with my wife." I was like WOW.

Yankee!! I can't emphasise the significance of this... This is your H saying to Joe public, we are an item, this is my wife - he was happy, you were happy - things were working out organically on their own - no R talk - this is awesome!!

I could see us dating again back home, and continuing to have a good time.

Again, a really fantastic active third morning. We ML twice and it has been fantastic.

When we got back, we sat down with my parents and had a long morning talk about this that and the other. After that discussion, something changed in him. He grew quiet, and stayed that way for the rest of the day. He retreated into his cave, and I could feel him thinking, thinking, thinking. I asked him if he wanted to talk about anything, and all he said was, "I'm just pondering." Subsequently, his affection decreased and he was 'separate' again.

The only thing I could think of which might have set him off was that we were talking about my cousin's upcoming wedding in Italy. My parents asked me if I was going and I said I really should. I didn't ask him if he wanted to go simply because I don't know what our official status is yet (we haven't talked about any of his issues at all - there has been no R talk whatsoever).

OK Yankee, you need to put H's shoes on for a minute and look at what actions he's been taking. It's really important for him to feel included within your family, he invited himself round for dinner, happy to take a long flight with your mother etc.

Things are going great on this trip, it feels like you are back together in some ways, for your husband it also feels like he's accepted again & part of the family group... Then wham!!

A future family wedding is discussed in Italy and you put the brakes on and excluded him, because you haven't had verbal confirmation in an R talk where you stand.

He must have been scratching his head thinking, 'I thought things were going great, maybe I read it wrong'. Now his head is focused on that instead of enjoying the moment, because the future in the form of an event was discussed & he wasn't in the picture.

To change this picture, and if you want your H to go to that wedding anyway, bring up the conversation again... but play it safe & bring it up when you are having a meal with your mother together & just act casual & say something like, 'It will be lovely, hey you can take me out for some real Italian food H'.

This way you aren't directly inviting him, it's a familiarity that will give your H some needed reassurances, which if it were me I would respond positively.

R talks are all well & good, but actions mean much more, you might feel like things are being brushed under the carpet at the moment, but don't worry about that. You need to enjoy this moment - make your trip a positive memory & deal with the R talk if you need to later.

Hope the rest of the trip goes well.

Bill