i think i reached one of my mini-goals. h stopped by without calling and walked in (without knocking)
RUDE!
i guess i should have explained. the doorbell doesn't work, and from the beginning h always knocked as he came in (he started it, i didn't ask). a couple of weeks ago i told him that his knocking always made me uncomfortable and that i preferred he didn't knck but just walked in. he protested saying i needed my space and he needed his, and i replied that i didn't need him to give me any space as i was quite fine with my space. he half joked about well hope you'll be knocking on my door, and i replied that i surely would, to which he replied - you don't have to do that.
here's my reasoning - until a few weeks ago, i had some really strong boundaries in place from the beginning - a lot of them to do with this house and how and when he could be in it. granted i needed them at the time, but what i finally realized was that making boundaries with the house was giving h a very strong message that i was NOT happy with what he was doing. every time he lifted his hand to knock on the door, reminded him of what he was doing and put him into the shame/guilt/agony state, so his entry into the house was always in that state. now when he just opens that door and walks in, he walks in in a different mood, relaxed - not having just heavily reminded himself (thus associating it with me and the house).
i haven't seen anything negative since i changed it and he isn't stopping by all the time - just that once - when he was bringing over some clothes for s and stuff that had got left at his parents after the party so, its been several months since he sat at the table with us - i could see he wasn't agonized and uncomfortable, so may casually ask him over to dinner next week or ask if he wants to come and fire up the bbq.
sometimes, just putting things in motion is better than the convo....why not be in the midst of a bbq when he shows up...would that work?
don't know how to wangle that - he never stops by, especially at meal times. update for today - we had tow very positive conversations on the phone this evening . at the end of the first, i casually threw out that we're having burritos for dinner and if he wants to stop by so he can see s, he's welcome to join us. after a very tiny hesitation he said - sounds good, let me call you back because my dad is just about to leave. he called back a bit later to say that he'd decided not to come because he wanted to keep on at the house especially since the temp had dropped and take advantage of the cool (it ripped over 20 degrees today which was such a relief). i just said fine no problem and we had a really positive conversation for about 10 mins about taxes (see, i'm getting good, grin). i wanted to make sure he felt absolutely no pressure about me saying no.
there was a lot of stuff to work through this last week, some of it triggered by events around me, some of it actually triggered by this bootcamp project. Excellent--you are doing a great job...I enjoy working with you
thanks sg - and i look forward to your replies hope you're well zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
