I wanted to post yesterday evening, but I was very angry at myself and thought it best I slept on it. I feel better today and I've thought a bit more about what happened yesterday. Yesterday was my brother-in-laws wedding.

It was a beautiful wedding. I opted out of leaving town early in order to make the rehearsal since I knew my W would be there and I feel awkward already around her family and my frustration with being in the same room as my W would just make it worse. I also opted out of meeting up with the bridal party before the wedding even though I was a groomsman. I didn't want to be in a limo with my W even if my kids were riding in there too.

My W looked beautiful in her bridesmaid dress. I did offer her a heart felt compliment, but made no effort to look at her or make eye contact for the remainder of the wedding. I smiled as much as I could without seeming fake. I really was happy for my BIL and the vows that I hadn't heard in so long were very interesting to hear again. It did make it that much more difficult to look at my W. I have an aversion to quitting on things that are important, not for fear of failure, but because the level of effort defines who we are and my W quit on us. It agrivates me to no end because of how it affects our kids and I know that this is not my W or who she wants to be. I'm also reminded of how I'm supposed to quit if the both of us are ever going to find what needs to be found.

I found out at the wedding that my W had told everyone about moving out and pursuing a D. I was wondering when she was going to tell everyone, but I was hoping she would wait till after the wedding so it wouldn't cast a cloud on her brothers special day. I found that very selfish of her to tell them before his wedding. It also made me feel like a bull in a china shop. It felt like some people were avoiding me and others were overly concerned. So dang uncomfortable.

My BIL, MIL, FIL and my W aunt and uncle all reached out to me. I know I'm being treated like the last relationships my W ran away from, but I'm not like the others and their actions towards me only solidified my own feelings. When my W left her fiance 2 years before we had met, her uncle walked into bar and knocked him out. This very same uncle offered a sincere regret that it didn't work out and that he believed that something twice as good always comes out of bad things. Funny....I've been telling myself that for years. It also did not go un-noticed by me that my W's sister was avoiding me. She's the one who first told me about MLC a year ago and how she'd been trying to tell my W that that's what her issue is. I don't believe she was unhappy with me, I think that she thought I might want to say something and the wedding was not the time or the place. I didn't want to say anything about it and I'm not going to say anything.

I was amused at one point. While we were all sitting about in the air conditioning to cool off my W's mother got up from sitting by my W and came over to express her feelings about me and that her home was always open to me if I ever just wanted to get out of town for a few days. When my W got up to leave the area her mother only raised her voice even louder as she expressed how much she cared about me. I figured she had a dual purpose for doing what she did and raising her voice only seemed to prove that theory.

I was not in a festive mood so the wedding reception not happening for 4 hours after the wedding only helped solidify my decision to leave when everyone got into the limo to hit a bar first. That's why I was so angry with myself. They wanted me to be there and I made myself a stranger. There's no better group of people I want to be around, but I couldn't stop thinking that I would eventually have to tell them about my diagnosis. It was own personal dark cloud on the day, but since I still don't know all the fact about my diagnosis, there's still no point in bringing it up. I owe it to them to tell them, but not until I know more about it and have more facts.

I was 2 hours down the road on my way home when my SIL's husband called me asking where I was. I told him I was sorry, but I had stuff to take care of. I had already told the groom goodby and apoligized for not attending the reception, but I asked my "other" BIL to send my apologies to the bride as well. He was quick to understand. As I'd been told by others, he's been the most vocal about how P.O.'ed he is at my W.

So as I drove home with my tail between my legs my frustration with myself was mounting. S12 said some things to me that I couldn't really hear. I got that he's trying to get us back together. I also got some of what the EA/OM said to him the other day to get him so upset. He also said something about how EA/OM made my W cry and whatever it was, she wouldn't stop crying while taking a shower. I'm concerned, but will not get involved.

Here's the thing, I've always been a good judge of character. Call me egotistical if you like, but if we all had a super power, mine would be character judgement. I've only ever been wrong twice that I can recall, one guy turned out to pretty darn cool and the other is my W. I thought she was materialistic and high maintenance when we met and she proved me wrong on the materialistic part. She's high maintenance for me in that I'd never been good with expressing emotions and that was something she needed from me over the years and I failed to provide. I'm getting away from myself here...

So as I was saying, I'm very good at reading people's character. I see how they conduct themselves around other people and one-on-one. You can learn a lot about people just by watching them indescreatly. I know within two meetings with someone if I want to have anything to do with them. I've not been wrong very much. I was spot on about EA/OM's soon to be ex-W and I'm learning that I'm just as right about him as well. He's 40+ year old selfish child. I believe we select partners that reflect how we feel about ourselves. I've always placed my W above me as someone I wanted to be worthy of. I've learned that I am worthy, that knowing I'm able to live up to my potential and actually doing it, is the difference between how I had been living my life and how I "am" living my life today.

I have no fear of EA/OM. He and my W are no match and would never work. Him making my W cry, for whatever reason, is no suprize to me. I've seen how he treats his own kids and it's difficult for me to stand back and allow for him to do the same to mine. He doesn't lay a hand on them, he's just very rude and uses foul language. Very inappropriate in my opinion. S12 hates him and is getting less shy about telling him when my W is nearby.

I feel helpless. I know I have to maintain the house and me so that the kids always have a foundation they can grow on. I know what's important. I've been told by many folks, including a few therapists, that I'm doing the right things. That my approach, if I can hold onto it, is the right way to go in a bad situation. I will talk to S12 about whether or not he;d like to talk to a counselor like I have.

Anywho.....So I'm still overly reading into things. My judgment of character is what's keeping me from completely letting go of my W. I can see how the others in her life were treated when she left and me not being the same as them is what will make the most difference in helping her find her way. (AJ), you've brought up the possibility that my W may never find her way. You've mentioned it more than once. I agree to disagree on that count. I know you're not saying she'll never come out of the tunnel, just that it's possible she may not. I have read so much about MLC and have read a lot of good peoples stories here in the forum and still haven't learned it all. I see my W here and I also believe in what I know of my W. I know many if not most all of the mistakes I made that helped contribute to my W's MLC tunnel. I know I'm not the only one to blame and I know that I have no idea how to salvage a ship that's already sunk.

I know what you mean when you ask me if I've thought about the possibility that my W may never escape the tunnel and that's perfectly fine. I'm naive about a lot of things, I admit that openly, but I also believe that this is my path. I'm not going to always make easy decisions, especially regarding divorce, but if I'm supposed to take a few lumps I will. I'm not like anyone my W has ever met, I know it and my in-laws know it. So how does someone stand out in the crowd? Sometimes it takes being a village idiot, but having a purpose behind the act is what separates the idiot from the act.

You and others have said it and I believe it to my core, that God never gives us more than he believes we can handle.

I have a purpose. I'm doing a lot of guessing even though I believe I'll know that purpose when I'm supposed to know. Is it something I have to do? Is my purpose not about me, but my kids? Is my purpose about my W's journey? She will find her way out of the tunnel, I know she will. I admit that I can't say with certainty that I'll be there when she does.