Something The Boys And I Have Noticed

[AntoniaB]

Tad I have to agree with all these insights above. In every post you write, you say you think you are doing better, but then immediately vent about something else she did or ask if she's really unhappy, and that sets you off on wondering again if you were really as bad as she says, and it sets you on this loop that is really tied to the past and you can't seem to escape it.

Someone here said to me once that it's like we're on a highway and can't find the off ramp. Or if we see the off ramp, we are too scared to get on it and go a new direction.

There is a certain level of comfort, strangely enough, in continuing to be the victim of someone else's insanity and/or abuse. It's what you know best right now. You almost don't have to make decisions about your life because you already know the pattern. She does something terrible, you react, you vent, you get mired in it some more. It's not FUN by any stretch, but it's what you know.

Getting on that off ramp and getting out of that loop is very hard to do because you have no clue what will happen. If you just stop trying to figure her out, you know, what are you going to do with all that head space? Will it be awful? Will it be nice? Who knows?

Eventually you will fill that head space with other things. Thoughts about what you can do to make your life better, whether it's trying new things, meeting new friends, taking a career or hobby in a new direction. You know, GALing. But at first, yeah, it's tough. It's like in saying "I'm not going to focus on her anymore AT ALL" you are willingly jumping off this cliff, because the act of not paying attention to her is scary and unfamiliar.

I guess I just want to encourage you to face that fear. It's SCARY to stop being a victim if it's what you know and what you learned from being in a co-dependent relationship. But every person here who has given you brilliant advice has done this and they didn't just live to tell the tale, they are living IMMENSELY better lives and are in a place where their exes can't hurt them in the same way anymore. You notice how so many of us giving you advice don't vent much about our exes anymore. That's because our lives no longer revolve around them or their actions.

I'm telling you, Tad, it's a HUGE burden gone off my back and I bet a lot of posters would agree. You have to lift this burden off your back by emotionally divorcing YOURSELF from her. Only you can do it. You have to reverse your thought pattern and be the hero in your own story and not the victim.