He seemed very sad yesterday. He asked me not to leave him, that he was at the end of his rope and he needed me and didn't know what he would do without me. . . .
He told me he is scared of losing me, but again actions are not matching words. He said that he is trying to catch her cheating on him, to make her the bad person because he couldn't handle being the bad person. The way he explained it to me, was that he already felt really guilty and bad about hurting me and what he has done, and he wishes he never met her and that it never happened. I asked him why couldn't he just be honest and tell her that he loves his wife and wants to work on things. He explained that he is afraid she will say things so hurtful to him, that it will cause him to hurt himself, because he already hates himself for what he has done. Whereas, if its her fault that the relationship failed, its easier for him to walk away without her putting him to the point of hurting himself. He told me he needed me to be there for him to get him through this. . . .
84, I'll be honest, and say I never made it all the way thru your post (yet), but as for the above, bluntly:
Is this the kind of man you even want as a husband? I'm wondering if you shouldn't say something to him like "Look, I will always care for you, and I hope you can clean up your mess and figure yourself out, but listen to you -- how weak and pathetic you are. I need someone much stronger to be my partner in life going forward. What you're doing, frankly, is VERY unattractive."
Most women have as their top (or near the top) emotional need "feeling safe"/security. Do you really think you can feel safe with a man who is so incredibly WEAK???
btw, this:
Quote:
He asked me not to leave him, that he was at the end of his rope and he needed me and didn't know what he would do without me. I assured him that he would be fine, and that I do love him and want him to be happy, but that as far as I was concerned that as long as he had someone else in his life, it was telling me that our marriage was not a priority to him.
was an EXCELLENT response!!!
84, you are absolutely correct -- his actions aren't matching his words. Maybe just point that out to him as a truth dart, and end these covos. Such as:
Husband: "I don't want to lose you, and I don't want a divorce."
84: "Well, your actions say otherwise, and until your actions start matching your words -- over time and with consistency -- I just can't feel safe in this relationship."
