I am having a very lazy Sunday morning..catching up on everyone's sitches, watching bad reality tv, perusing ebay, and berating myself for not cleaning the house and going for a run since it's not raining. I'll give myself 20 mins and then I'll do it!
I haven't heard from H since he dropped me and S off on Thursday after taking us to dinner. I did send him that text on Friday and haven't heard from him. *shrugs*
I was watching a bad reality show and this girl said for the first time she was stepping into a healthy relationship..thats what she wanted and that's what she deserved and she hadn't let herself have that her whole life. And I thought about all the times in my life I made concessions on partners. yes, like my sister said I improved on each BF and H was a good guy....but he still wasn't the partner I deserved...I made concessions on the proposal, the wedding, his lack of ambition (saying it was a good thing because in my job I may need to move around a lot), he wasn't "my type" and I said but that doesn't matter because he's dependable, romantic, sweet, funny, etc. And now I think actually I deserve a partner who is all those things AND doesn't half-ass weddings, proposals, his career, the lawn work, vacations, etc. Someone who is decisive and independent.
When he brought up the whole "easily led" thing the other day I had to bite my tongue. I couldn't say "I always worried that you wouldn't have moved out of your ex GF's house if you hadn't met me and didn't history just repeat itself...me forcing you to be independent?" Perhaps him making that statement means that he's recognizing it, growing, I don't know.
I don't think he's happy half assing this...just like I wasn't happy when I was overweight and insecure (a 180 from the girl he met and married) So I do think he can learn and grow and change.
But all this goes back to him....his choices...his decisions...his life.
I know the partner I want...and I might not be him. On Friday I just felt like the world is so so so so so big....
