from the WAS to being walked away on

[25yearsmlc]

My highlighter isn't working so I can't point out the way I see you go off track at times.

Over all you know your anger is a huge issue for you, even when you don't see it as anger. Even when you rationalize it or mask it'

but I know that intellectually, (although maybe not emotionally yet)

you get how bad the anger is for YOU and your d's, not to mention what it does to your marriage.

When your h asked you what would be different if you were to reconcile

I thought he asked the most reasonable & mature question ANYONE could ask,

It means HOW WOULD THE MARRIAGE BE BETTER/DIFFERENT THAN BEFORE?

and you instead took it as a challenge. Why not tell him how YOU would have changed? What your work is on you...how YOU feel you have grown and how you would approach things or problem solve differentlyl...b/c if you cannot think of one change YOU have made or would make

then what is the point of his efforts?


There is some sort of competititve thing going on I can't wrap my brain around.

Like each of you wants the other one to "Change first" which I see often enough. It's is partly ego, partly youth (sorry, you both seem to do the yo yo thing a lot, for a couple with two kids)

and partly b/c you BOTH FEAR BEING HURT AGAIN...

Do you feel as if you are the only one of you two, "entitled" to fear rejection?

Don't just blurt out "of course not!" --really think about it and see if you don't harbor a double standard deep down. OR a few...

Look, I think you are making headway internally, but it's NOT manifesting outwardly in your interactions with him....and isn't that important?

Also note how much of your last post concerned HIS words and HIS behavior.

Honey, you gotta take the focus off of him and your "score keeping" and measuring what YOU think of HIS PERSONAL INNER WORK,

and keep the mirror up on yourself to make the changes YOU can make b/c

again,

you are the only person you control.

And please slow your clock down. You look for changes and patterns in hours and days, and that's not how it works.

Also the progress and growth we hope you both will experience,

is Not linear. Okay?


2 steps forward, one or 4 back, and then 6 steps forward, etc