from the WAS to being walked away on

[strongerthanever]

KD and 25,

I appreciate the both of you walking with me through this. Such patience you have!

KD I did give myself time to think about what you said. Oh, and we have two daughters, ages 2 AND 3. Yes, you were right, that bold part had anger running through it, which is a stronger version of pain. My innability to let that go will only hurt the situation for everyone involved, esp our daughters. So yes, I do need to gut check my pride at the curb and work on being friends for our daughters. I did a great job of that today (more on that in a min)

25 I totaly get what you are saying. What I really really needed to do was let go, my every thought was wrapes around the sitch. I think that's where my inner peace has come from, knowing that I can be happy in this moment regardless of what is going on. Have I totaly hung up the M? Hmm, I love the man, but it is in God's hands. No I'm not pushing for divorce or begging to reconcile. I'm actualy proud of my ability to maintain an inner calm despite the world around me. Been pretty darn good about staying centered lately.

With that being said, I have some interesting updates. Just a quick glimpse of the past real quick...

June 1st-H opens up about wanting family back together
June 2nd-H does 180
June 17-H openly loving/flirtatious, says ILU
June 25-discover he and OW are over
July 2-initial status confrence at court
July 3-H opens up about wanting family back together
July 5-H does 180

Talk about a lot of flip flopping. During this time I had maintained the status of being there, waiting. I really felt taken for granted. His last 180 a few days ago contradicted everything he had said 2 days prior. I really had enough of his emotonial rollar coaster. Our last convo did end on a positive note. Although I felt detached I kept those feelinge sto myself and maintained a neutral position.

Today it started up again. He sent me a text asking what I would do differently if we were to try it again. We have had this talk a million times, he knows that answer. The following is our conversation:

H-hey if we decided to do this again what would change?

Me-Are you asking me to convince you to be with me?
Me-Cello I'm not about to commit myself to someone that does not love me and is not willing to put me first

H-No I'm not I'm just asking bc I wouldnt want you talking to anyone

Me-I'm not in a R with anyone. I would rather be single for the right reasons than in a R for the wrong. I'm single bc I dont want to be in a R right now.

H-So that means you wouldnt want me either?

Me-Why would I want to be with someone that only wants to string me along? Besides, in a few days you'll be saying things like "idk"

H-sorry I bothered you

Me-At one point in my life I was madly in love with you, but that chapter in my life is over now. I have no desire to be in a relationship with you. The girls have parents that love them and thats all that matters now.

H-ok

Now, don't go throwing stones at me. I am proud of standing up for myself. 25 I feel like you are going to ask me if I was trying to punish him . Honestly, no. I deserve someone that will commit to me and I feel good for standing up for myself. It wasn't said to get him back, make him suffer or anything like that. I really meant it.

Two hours pass...
H starts sending me pics and videos of us and our daughter's milestones (1st steps, 1st bdays...)I thanked him for the pics.

And then he starts to open up, but in a different way. He begins by talking about how happy we were, where did that go, he wishes he tried harder. I place myself in the friend position, as if I were an old friend he were opening up to. I'm proud at my ability to be friendly, supportive and not affected by the conversation.

He then talks about how he thought he was happy but that he isn't. He thinks he knows what he has to do to be happy but doesnt know if it's too late. Do I assume he is talking about us and manipulate the conversation? No. For all I know it could be a number of things. But I did tell him this:

If I could give you any advice, it would be this: On your death bed, what would be your biggest regret? And then live your life so that you wouldn't have that regret.

Again, am I assuming he is refering to me? Nope. I would tell any friend that. Yes KD, I said friend. I did a good job of being his friend tonight. What if his regret is leting OW get away? I would treat it as if his regret was not owning a snake, or going sky diving.

He did end the conversation in a unique way. He said goodnight Mrs. Garcia, sweet dreams. (our last name is Garcia) Interesting....

But still remaining peaceful, focusing on being his friend and not basing my emotions on his life decisions.

Two hours passed