I sometimes look at my life and wonder how I got here? Or how I am in such an imaginable situation? but then I realize that perhaps, although my situation is quite unique, I am not alone.
So on Tuesday H was home and asked me to sit with him while he took a bath (he always does this). We got into a arguement over something, probably something to do with the OW, but we got a lot off of our chest-- I know I shouldn't have, but I asked if he wanted a divorce or to be separated, and he said no, he wants me, he loves me, but he needs time to do this the right way. He says he knows the OW is cheating on him, and he is trying to find the evidence so he can walk away,with it all being her fault because otherwise she won't leave him alone. I don't know if he is just snowballing me, or playing me, but he seems honest. He told me he hates his life, that if he could go back and undo this and never have met her, he would. He is afraid of losing me, but at the same time he got himself into this mess and he has to get himself out of it. But for me, its like-- are you just saying this to buy more time? I don't really know to be honest. He says he is weak and doesn't want to argue because they are always arguing and he misses me and loves me so much. But again, like the books says-- believe half of what they say, and only believe what actions say. For now, I am just taking a breather. As much as I want to just have a decision made, I think I just need to take a step back and focus on me. I kind of scared myself the other day. My H told me he would meet me for breakfast, and he always does. So when he didn't show up on Tuesday, I was concerned. I called his phone and it was off, this is not his typical behavior. So I told myself, I would just drive by the OW's house and see if his car was there to make sure he was okay. So I did, and his car was there. So I kept driving headed back to work, but then H texts me "sorry busy at work, I love you"- oh man, that set me off. So I drive back to her house, and sit in his car and honk his horn for him to come out- and say, busy at work huh? He was actually pretty calm, but was like baby, we were up arguing until 4 am- I didn't get any sleep, please don't drive back to work upset, I love you and will meet you for lunch today. Again, same story of how he doesn't want a divorce, he doesn't even want to be separated, he just needs time.... Am I stupid guys??.... ugh.... Seriously.. sometimes, I swear people hear my situation and think DOORMAT... RETARD... PATHETIC... am I being too hard on myself? so anyway... we had a good day today, we worked in the yard and got sunburnt... and I kind of left him alone the rest of the day... I was kind of sad when he left, but he said trust me, I would rather be spending time with you, seriously..(is he lying?I dunno anymore).... He won't be around for a day or so... and I am kind of looking forward to the break.. because I don't know if he is playing me or being honest or if I am being stupid...
anyway like I said... going to go to bed early tonight, despite the fireworks... my boss is back to work tomorrow after a month of being away, so I will need the extra energy... I have started donating my plasma for some extra money, I don't really need it need it, but it takes up about an hour of my time twice a week, and I catch up on my reading and make a few extra bucks to spend on new clothes or my speeding ticket i need to pay or my school fees or gas... so tomorrow after work I plan on getting some dirt for the yard, and donating plasma, and then coming home to just relax with my dogs and just enjoy my day. I ordered a new workout routine on Amazon, so it should be here soon and once it is I will make a new workout schedule and stick to it... I also want to start going to my neighborhood pool to swim some laps a few times a week, I think this will be a way to relax and releave some stress all at the same time. I started reading a book today called "You can Heal Your Life" and it has some affirmations. The first chapter is about thinking positively and changing your life perspective. So that is my focus this week. All is all, I am okay. Feel free to add comments about my crazy life situation, I want to be honest about how things are going, and get honest feedback from people who can offer advice or support.
Happy Fourth of July all!
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
I don't think you're a doormat. As crazy as it sounds, if you read around here, you won't find many husbands saying what yours is saying. I believe him - he got himself into a situation and he's too weak and brain-addled to man up and break up with her. Or he's doing drugs with her.
Either way, you haven't got much to lose by giving him a little more time. He's sick - you know that. This isn't about you.
I'm sorry, it does look like he's lying to you. But don't beat yourself up. He could just break it off and not miss dates with you and lie right to your face about it.......
Whatever you do, I hope if you are not having sex wih him. He lies about a lot, and there is a good chance he is lying about this just being a pa. Not a risk willing to take if your know what I mean. You need to protect your health.
I think maybe it's time to set some boundaries with him and ow.
I not only agree, I thought we had all discussed, and AGREED on that? Starting at LEAST with "no more talking about OW to me" ????
Never make someone a priority who sees you as an option.
Thanks Starsky and everyone else. I have had a long time to really process this all, and really do think a long break is a good thing for me right now. I am going to take the weekend away, and just enjoy myself and not worry about anything.
Just time for me and to work on my goal setting and getting a life.
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
I just drafted a separation agreement for my husband and I. Basically I asked him to cover the mortgage payment (which the Army covers anyway) and I will pay for the rest of the house expenses, while I take temporary residence and he lives with the OW. I also told him I would forward his mail to her house, lol. I asked for a visitation schedule to be set up for him to come see the dogs three times a week, but no more than an hour at a time, and he has to come alone.
I used lawdepot.com, to make the separation agreement legit.
I also researched mediation, which it looks like we can do a half day session with a mediator for $375, but to be honest, we don't have very many assets or debts, it should be a simple division and once agreed upon we can file papers at the court house, 61 days later as long as no contesting occurs, which I already decided to do irreconcilbe differences, then we go before a judge and he grants us or denies us a divorce.
I think I will leave the area. I mean, I have a good job here, with potential of becoming a manager of the place I work one day, but its all I have here. I have no friends, only him, and this whole damn city is now tainted with their crap.
I literally think I would only take my clothes and bus back home or to live with a friend while I start a new life over, from scratch. I don't know what I would do about the house. I think if I temporarily live here, then once we do the divorce, I would sign the house over to him, or atleast ask for half of the profit when he sells it down the road.
I already know he will try to call me tomorrow at work, which my boss hates, so I already plan to turn off both of my phones as soon as I get to work tomorrow so he will leave me alone. Well this won't stop him from coming to my work, but I don't think he would make a scene.
So I grew some balls, finally...
On a side note, any plans for the weekend guys? I have a routine going where I clean the house most weekends, I need to get my oil changed, and take care of my dogs vet visit as well as start looking for the documentation I would need to start the filing process. The neighborhood pool is open, which I pay for with 2 HOA fees, so I plan on using that. I am also super excited about how I ordered Jillian Michaels body revolution, so I can start focusing on that too.
I ordered a book called "Getting Past The Affair: A Program to help you Cope, Heal and Move On together or apart" Don't know if anyone has read it, but seems fitting.
Thanks for always being there guys, I know my story is probably way bizzare, but it means a lot.
I am not seeking out a divorce, but I do think right now, while he is obsessed with her, it is not wrong of me to ask for a break or separation. It was a long hard process to come to this conclusion, because I do love my husband. But he does take me for granted, doesn't think I will ever go anywhere, but I felt like I really had no option, unless I filed for divorce, but I am still not ready for that.
Becca
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
H wasn't too happy about the separation agreement, but it did seem to be somewhat of an eyeopener to him that I was moving forward towards a life without him.
We discussed some things he would like to change about the agreement and I have made those changes and we are supposed to go over it early next week.
He seemed very sad yesterday. He asked me not to leave him, that he was at the end of his rope and he needed me and didn't know what he would do without me. I assured him that he would be fine, and that I do love him and want him to be happy, but that as far as I was concerned that as long as he had someone else in his life, it was telling me that our marriage was not a priority to him. He told me he didn't want to be divorced, or separated, but right now he still has the OW, which is where i get confused.
He told me he is scared of losing me, but again actions are not matching words. He said that he is trying to catch her cheating on him, to make her the bad person because he couldn't handle being the bad person. The way he explained it to me, was that he already felt really guilty and bad about hurting me and what he has done, and he wishes he never met her and that it never happened. I asked him why couldn't he just be honest and tell her that he loves his wife and wants to work on things. He explained that he is afraid she will say things so hurtful to him, that it will cause him to hurt himself, because he already hates himself for what he has done. Whereas, if its her fault that the relationship failed, its easier for him to walk away without her putting him to the point of hurting himself. He told me he needed me to be there for him to get him through this. I of course feel confused, if my husband loves me, like he says, and wants me like he says, wouldn't he drop the OW and be home?
I know my situation is so bizzare, and sometimes I get embarassed being honest with you guys on here about it, but really you guys are all I have. My friends don't understand, they think he should have stopped as soon as I knew, if he really loved me, he wouldn't risk losing me for someone who he knows isn't worth it.
My husband told me yesterday, as he held me-- that he loves me, and he wants me, and he knows he can be happy with me forever-- but he has to have time to get rid of her. To me its like, he just wants to keep us both, and I am to the point where it seems like he wants her more. He would reach over to hold my hand several times yesterday and in the middle of shopping at wal mart he would just pull me close and hug me and say he misses me.
Today he came over and we took care of getting our maintenanace done on our cars. We went furniture shopping, he seems to be talking about a lot of future projects on the house lately, but I am hesitant because our future is so up in the air. We did some yardwork together and he kept telling me how he had such a great time with me. There was a point today where we were headed to tan at the gym, and she called and he took the phone call. It was like 20 minutes, so I Just left. He was upset, but I told him that I was tired of her being the priority and that it was hurtful that he continued to not put our marriage or me first. Of course he said its not like that. He kept grabbing for my hand after that and telling me he was sorry things were hard right now. He says he hates his life and the situation.
When he went to leave I ignored him, which he didn't like. He said I can't have a hug or kiss, and I said no. He said I love you, and I said I know, and I love you, but right now you don't love me enough, not like I deserve. He was like, don't be that way and kept looking at me sad and telling me he missed me and loves me. He called as he was driving and I ignored it. He left me a voicemail that said "Hey baby, I love you and I miss honey, I hope you have a good day and a good night and i hope to talk to you again soon. I really did have a good day with you today, and I know everything is really hard right now but I am trying to do the best that I can, I am trying to fix things, and I am trying to make things right, I love you baby, and I miss you. muah"
This is where my heart aches for my husband... because he sure knows how to make me smile and feel loved, with those words... and when he hugs me, and holds me and reaches for my hand, I think its sincere and real... and when he looks at me, there is still love there...
BUT....
his actions are saying that she is more important... so for now, I think its fair to make a separation agreement... and to prepare for a life without one another... whatever that may be... I have to prepare my heart for a future without him... because right now, despite those moments of clarity, he still has another person.... I know he loves me, I know he is hurting... but I don't understand why he wouldn't just be back home, the minute he thought he was going to lose me, when he knows he wants me... that's where I have to start separating myself, and protecting my heart...
I won't be seeing him probably until Monday evening... so I know I will have some time to myself. I already plan on sleeping in tomorrow... and donating plasma... then cleaning the house and going to my friend's house for dinner.. .I also need to do some shopping/returns... and definitely clean my car... so tomorrow I will be busy, which should keep my mind off of things... I don't expect any word from him... and then Monday I can throw myself into work...
Sorry this is so long... and I do appreciate you guys taking the time to offer your opinions... even if you think I am doing things wrong... I am about half way through DR... I am reading, and trying to apply what I can and alter if needed to fit my situation... I do think for now, my husband needs me to be his friend... and not give up on him... I think this is crucial because of his depression/combat issues/suicidal thoughts... I do need to get a life and do goal setting-- which will be in full swing soon when I get my exercise videos and start my online college courses in a few weeks-- oh, I got my degree this week-- it was so AWESOME to see my name and "Bachelors of Science" underneath it-- I was totally smiling! and H wants to take me out for dinner to celebrate...
I also have been putting my foot down about not talking about the OW around me... I told him, that I understood that he thought I was the only person he had to talk to because he has no friend's other than me, but I told him that it was too painful to hear him talk about the OW... so now when he starts I change the subject, or I ask him nicely, "please don't"... and he understands... like he was starting to tell me something that she did that hurt his feelings... and I kindly asked him not to...
I just wanted to keep you guys posted... I don't really want a divorce from my husband, and i know he doesn't want that from me... but I am also not okay with sharing him... so for now I do think separation is kind of our only option, and I think making an agreement is a good step for us... and also, showing him that I am serious about not sharing him...
Again, sorry its long... thanks for reading...
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
I think it's a good thing in that it shows him he can't just sit in the status quo forever. Setting boundaries, like not letting him talk to you about his R with OW, is good. It's also scary to me, the way he talks - he really sounds suicidally depressed and desperate. I'd definitely tslk to his psychiatrist about his meds. Also, please monitor how he's taking them - I'm convinced that the reason suicide rates go up in adolescents and young adults on anti-depressants, is because they miss doses. My daughter used to get totally whacked when she skipped even one or two days when she was on Prozac for her eating disorder.
The best thing would be if the two of you could meet with a good marriage counselor - that would cut through your H's denial and excuses I think. But I believe you said he couldn't go through the military for that because he'd get in trouble for having the affair - is that right? Seems counterproductive to me. Is there any way you could afford to see a private marriage counselor?
He seemed very sad yesterday. He asked me not to leave him, that he was at the end of his rope and he needed me and didn't know what he would do without me. . . .
He told me he is scared of losing me, but again actions are not matching words. He said that he is trying to catch her cheating on him, to make her the bad person because he couldn't handle being the bad person. The way he explained it to me, was that he already felt really guilty and bad about hurting me and what he has done, and he wishes he never met her and that it never happened. I asked him why couldn't he just be honest and tell her that he loves his wife and wants to work on things. He explained that he is afraid she will say things so hurtful to him, that it will cause him to hurt himself, because he already hates himself for what he has done. Whereas, if its her fault that the relationship failed, its easier for him to walk away without her putting him to the point of hurting himself. He told me he needed me to be there for him to get him through this. . . .
84, I'll be honest, and say I never made it all the way thru your post (yet), but as for the above, bluntly:
Is this the kind of man you even want as a husband? I'm wondering if you shouldn't say something to him like "Look, I will always care for you, and I hope you can clean up your mess and figure yourself out, but listen to you -- how weak and pathetic you are. I need someone much stronger to be my partner in life going forward. What you're doing, frankly, is VERY unattractive."
Most women have as their top (or near the top) emotional need "feeling safe"/security. Do you really think you can feel safe with a man who is so incredibly WEAK???
btw, this:
Quote:
He asked me not to leave him, that he was at the end of his rope and he needed me and didn't know what he would do without me. I assured him that he would be fine, and that I do love him and want him to be happy, but that as far as I was concerned that as long as he had someone else in his life, it was telling me that our marriage was not a priority to him.
was an EXCELLENT response!!!
84, you are absolutely correct -- his actions aren't matching his words. Maybe just point that out to him as a truth dart, and end these covos. Such as:
Husband: "I don't want to lose you, and I don't want a divorce."
84: "Well, your actions say otherwise, and until your actions start matching your words -- over time and with consistency -- I just can't feel safe in this relationship."
OK, I read the rest of your post, and I'll say this:
Your husband is either really clinically depressed and perhaps even suicidal, or he's not. If he isn't, you need to call him on his CB (crap behavior). If he IS, then you are not trained to be the one to help him deal with it. He needs professional help.
The landscape is littered with spouses who try to "heal" they're drowning spouses, and instead they get sucked underwater with them. You are not his therapist, and these convos are toxic to your own emotional health, in my opinion.
