H wasn't too happy about the separation agreement, but it did seem to be somewhat of an eyeopener to him that I was moving forward towards a life without him.
We discussed some things he would like to change about the agreement and I have made those changes and we are supposed to go over it early next week.
He seemed very sad yesterday. He asked me not to leave him, that he was at the end of his rope and he needed me and didn't know what he would do without me. I assured him that he would be fine, and that I do love him and want him to be happy, but that as far as I was concerned that as long as he had someone else in his life, it was telling me that our marriage was not a priority to him. He told me he didn't want to be divorced, or separated, but right now he still has the OW, which is where i get confused.
He told me he is scared of losing me, but again actions are not matching words. He said that he is trying to catch her cheating on him, to make her the bad person because he couldn't handle being the bad person. The way he explained it to me, was that he already felt really guilty and bad about hurting me and what he has done, and he wishes he never met her and that it never happened. I asked him why couldn't he just be honest and tell her that he loves his wife and wants to work on things. He explained that he is afraid she will say things so hurtful to him, that it will cause him to hurt himself, because he already hates himself for what he has done. Whereas, if its her fault that the relationship failed, its easier for him to walk away without her putting him to the point of hurting himself. He told me he needed me to be there for him to get him through this. I of course feel confused, if my husband loves me, like he says, and wants me like he says, wouldn't he drop the OW and be home?
I know my situation is so bizzare, and sometimes I get embarassed being honest with you guys on here about it, but really you guys are all I have. My friends don't understand, they think he should have stopped as soon as I knew, if he really loved me, he wouldn't risk losing me for someone who he knows isn't worth it.
My husband told me yesterday, as he held me-- that he loves me, and he wants me, and he knows he can be happy with me forever-- but he has to have time to get rid of her. To me its like, he just wants to keep us both, and I am to the point where it seems like he wants her more. He would reach over to hold my hand several times yesterday and in the middle of shopping at wal mart he would just pull me close and hug me and say he misses me.
Today he came over and we took care of getting our maintenanace done on our cars. We went furniture shopping, he seems to be talking about a lot of future projects on the house lately, but I am hesitant because our future is so up in the air. We did some yardwork together and he kept telling me how he had such a great time with me. There was a point today where we were headed to tan at the gym, and she called and he took the phone call. It was like 20 minutes, so I Just left. He was upset, but I told him that I was tired of her being the priority and that it was hurtful that he continued to not put our marriage or me first. Of course he said its not like that. He kept grabbing for my hand after that and telling me he was sorry things were hard right now. He says he hates his life and the situation.
When he went to leave I ignored him, which he didn't like. He said I can't have a hug or kiss, and I said no. He said I love you, and I said I know, and I love you, but right now you don't love me enough, not like I deserve. He was like, don't be that way and kept looking at me sad and telling me he missed me and loves me. He called as he was driving and I ignored it. He left me a voicemail that said "Hey baby, I love you and I miss honey, I hope you have a good day and a good night and i hope to talk to you again soon. I really did have a good day with you today, and I know everything is really hard right now but I am trying to do the best that I can, I am trying to fix things, and I am trying to make things right, I love you baby, and I miss you. muah"
This is where my heart aches for my husband... because he sure knows how to make me smile and feel loved, with those words... and when he hugs me, and holds me and reaches for my hand, I think its sincere and real... and when he looks at me, there is still love there...
BUT....
his actions are saying that she is more important... so for now, I think its fair to make a separation agreement... and to prepare for a life without one another... whatever that may be... I have to prepare my heart for a future without him... because right now, despite those moments of clarity, he still has another person.... I know he loves me, I know he is hurting... but I don't understand why he wouldn't just be back home, the minute he thought he was going to lose me, when he knows he wants me... that's where I have to start separating myself, and protecting my heart...
I won't be seeing him probably until Monday evening... so I know I will have some time to myself. I already plan on sleeping in tomorrow... and donating plasma... then cleaning the house and going to my friend's house for dinner.. .I also need to do some shopping/returns... and definitely clean my car... so tomorrow I will be busy, which should keep my mind off of things... I don't expect any word from him... and then Monday I can throw myself into work...
Sorry this is so long... and I do appreciate you guys taking the time to offer your opinions... even if you think I am doing things wrong... I am about half way through DR... I am reading, and trying to apply what I can and alter if needed to fit my situation... I do think for now, my husband needs me to be his friend... and not give up on him... I think this is crucial because of his depression/combat issues/suicidal thoughts... I do need to get a life and do goal setting-- which will be in full swing soon when I get my exercise videos and start my online college courses in a few weeks-- oh, I got my degree this week-- it was so AWESOME to see my name and "Bachelors of Science" underneath it-- I was totally smiling! and H wants to take me out for dinner to celebrate...
I also have been putting my foot down about not talking about the OW around me... I told him, that I understood that he thought I was the only person he had to talk to because he has no friend's other than me, but I told him that it was too painful to hear him talk about the OW... so now when he starts I change the subject, or I ask him nicely, "please don't"... and he understands... like he was starting to tell me something that she did that hurt his feelings... and I kindly asked him not to...
I just wanted to keep you guys posted... I don't really want a divorce from my husband, and i know he doesn't want that from me... but I am also not okay with sharing him... so for now I do think separation is kind of our only option, and I think making an agreement is a good step for us... and also, showing him that I am serious about not sharing him...
Again, sorry its long... thanks for reading...
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
