The boys and I had a great time at the beach this afternoon. It didn't feel like someone was missing and I was a mom going it alone. I felt continent. We packed a great picnic, took sand toys and a frisbee and really enjoyed ourselves. Of course, who should text S15 right in the middle of it just to remind him that he's available whenever he wants to do something.
Today was a reminder of all the times when I wanted to do something as a family, but my H wasn't interested. I realize now that he was likely depressed. Spending a day at the beach wasn't exciting enough for him. So now the boys and I can do whatever we want. We no longer have to feel disappointed because my H doesn't want to join us. I planned many vacations and day trips for me and the boys. My H always claimed he couldn't get away from work or didn't feel well or had other things he wanted to do instead. It's amazing how clearly I see things after three weeks of no contact.
I'm really working on streamlining my life so that I spend very little time on errands, cleaning, etc. I'm going to enjoy doing enriching things with my boys once again. I don't need my H to enjoy my life. I'm really starting to feel happy. It sure took a lot of tears and suffering to get here. I anticipate some setbacks, but know there are many more good days than bad. The bad come from the static that my H creates, not from sadness and loneliness so much.
I am so glad that I have spent the last seven months praying, reading, learning, talking, writing, reflecting, meditating. I've grown, and continue to do so. I've taken responsibility and I've started healing. This is a long, hard road, but so much better than self-medicating. My H is living proof of that. He's still back at square one, justifying his actions to anyone who will listen.
