I am definitely pulling away from this some things I can work on for me. I will say they're not quite the same as yours, SD, but I suppose most people don't need to work on the same things.
Accuray posted something on your thread way back about the Darma Triangle. I had read on it before but just refreshed myself with some articles. I believe I have a tendency between rescuer and victim, H has a tendency to be the persecutor. So I don't think my need is to learn how to accept and tolerate the actions of the persecutor, but rather to remove my self from the role of victim/rescuer. In the past, I believe I would peak at the victim role then switch places with him, which is apparently part of the dynamic. I can see that as the persecutor, I would take out my frustrations and pummel him with my need for his changes and punish him for his behavior, putting him in the victim role. After I cooled down, I would feel bad and skip into rescuer role, try to "help" him, he would resume the role of persecutor and I would shift back into victim, and nothing would change.
I believe I need to remove myself from that cycle and step out of both the victim and the rescuer mentality. I believe one necessary step to accomplishing that is to stop exposing myself to known dangers. (aka enforcing boundaries.) I've already done that in some areas and it's very freeing. It's very good for me, though not necessarily good for the M, because H is still operating fully from the triangle, shifting back and forth between victim and persecutor because I'm not filling the opposing role. If he never steps off the triangle, I doubt we have any chance. But that simply isn't my focus since I presume we're finished anyway.
I need to stop focusing on the M. I focus on it frantically, reading books, seeking counsel, looking for solutions, while H is seemingly unbothered. He certainly puts no effort into addressing issues. Whenever I approach him with an issue, he's put out by the conversation. 2x4 received! It's not my job to rescue this M. And to make it worse, I assume the victim role whenever my obsessive efforts don't pay off.
So I'm done with that, though I think it will take a little time to perfect it. Recognizing it is the first step. It helps that I'm completely exhausted, plus feeling like I've neglected myself/my needs too long. I actually need to see a doctor next week because the stress I put myself under is making me feel unwell.
I think all of that subconscious realization culminated at the same time as my desire to end this thread. Or perhaps it caused my desire to end it, I don't know. I hope I didn't offend anyone with my frustration with that. I'm still of that mindset though, need to GAL and stop focusing on the M. I think I'll schedule some personal counseling, having nothing to do with my M, but just to help me find me again.
Thanks again to everyone. There's probably a few "I told you so's" due, but I never said I was quick. Better late than never.
