Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[LIO]

Journaling: Contradictions or just seeing things?

Remember this?: "I was hung up on when I said I had an office space for him and that I would respect his boundaries if the door was closed (something I didn't do before). He said he was 'considering it'." from 6/29 post

He went in there last night, shut the door and did some work. I did not interrupt. He stayed the night (downstairs) a first in 1 month, and then after making S and I breakfast, he went back into the room this morning and shut the door (I did not interrupt). I kept my word. (180).

I've been keeping conversation down. My thoughts lately have been:
1) he has made his choice. I can't do anything about it.
2) he's an adult who can make decisions.
3) I find my mood changing when dealing with him - so now I try to smile internally before talking. That lifts my tone, and my mood so I don't go downhill too.


He's made some comments on Thursday to me about how I'm being nice to 'win' him back. I said I don't need to. I am who I am. This is me. I make mistakes - I know I'm 'needy' according to him. I don't hold grudges, and I forgive too much. But I like who I am. And quite frankly, there are other men who think I'm pretty great as I am. but I choose him because I think he is creative, funny, and generally pretty awesome (usually).

He came home that night. I have no expectations on how long *that* will last. He wanted to be intimate that night, and the morning after.

Today... I'm keeping my distance. Giving him space. Avoiding talking too much unless about house or son (like I've been working on) and not rushing (thank you Kat!) or volunteering info.

So in the meantime, I love sports and exercise, so I resumed a sports hobby of mine... and here is where possible dangerous ground comes in. There is a guy who is definitely interested in me. I thought at first he was just being nice... but no... he is very interested. (I'm looking around the room like 'who? me?' lol).

When I've gone through something like this before, I did not want H to feel threatened... I spoke highly of H to other men, I referenced him, brought H to events so I wouldn't be 'alone'. Basically avoiding any improper behavior or situations... I can see how easy it is to go down the 'affair' route... that's why I've empathized with H. I can see how easy flattery and attention can pave a road down that route.

If I live my life like H is not coming back, then does that mean I date? H has made it clear that I *chased* off his OW (umm....because being a 'wife' doesn't). I don't 'feel' right about that. I am a very loyal person, and I try to avoid situations like this...