How many licks does it take...?

[2thepoint]

More on my change of direction:

Went to the gym today with my friend. His W and my W were also there doing some dance jam type class. S10 and his buddy (my friends son) were in the kids club while we worked out. After the class was done my W and her friend stopped by the treadmill to shoot the breeze a little and W says she is going out to the gym pool with S10. I said I'd be down in a bit.

So we spent an hour or so sitting next to each other by the pool while the boys swam. Conversation was superficial, nothing deep. W asked me about our pool at home. I had decided that I would no longer maintain the pool and it has since turned green with algae. W would like me to show her how to maintain the pool since she would like to use it. I told her I'd see about a time convenient for us both and I would show her how to maintain the pool.

In the past, I'd have continued maintaining the pool if for no other reason than to be visible and present at the house. Now I don't care anymore about that.

This afternoon/evening family friends invited me/us over for BBQ and drinks. I arrived first, W and S10 showed up later. Had a nice enough time. It felt odd for me. It's kind of like my W and I are just acquaintances. No emotional connection felt at all. I'm not sure what to make of that. It is what it is I suppose.

Anyway, S14 was at a friends house and called his mother to see if she could pick him up at 11:30 pm. W told him that was too late, that she would pick him up no later than 10pm. After she hung up she said "of course if you wanted to pick him up at 11:30, you could." No thanks, I replied.

In the past I would most likely have jumped at the chance to pick him up to show my W what a nice accommodating guy I was. No more!

[2thepoint]

I meant to add that later I sent W a text message: "Let me know when you would like to attend my pool maintenance seminar. I'll see if I can fit you into my cramped calendar. Plan for 30-45 minutes."

[chatterbug]

2tp the first big time I went to a party with the W there was a jack and jill. It was strange to say the least. I did enjoy watching people watching us to see if we would cause drama. We were both civil and polite to each other. The only time I felt very uncomfortable was when she touched my arm. It just did not feel right. It was a moment that I would think about over and over down the road.

[nhmom]

I am hearing a new tone in your voice, and I like it!

[Starsky309]

Me too.

Now, let's work on REALLY filling up that social calendar, so it's not a "lol"/winkey-face next time!


Starsky

[ces67]

Good stuff 2! Enjoy your life and live it! Let her deal with hers. It will be interesting to see if/how she changes/adjusts to how you are. No expectations of course but still part of DB is to try different things and see what happens.

[sayitaintso]

I can sense that confidence is back as well, good work Pac.

[2thepoint]

Thanks friends! I don't know if it is new found confidence, a new tone or if it is merely an acceptance of my reality and then taking steps to move forward with my head held high. Whatever it is, I don't want to go backwards. There is too much pain back there...

================

Saw my IC today, among the various topics of discussion was the idea of the LBS becoming the WAS after so much time has passed and no movement whatsoever is seen on the part of the WAS towards any kind of reconciliation. I told him that I had read here and elsewhere that it is not uncommon for the LBS to become the WAS and that in some cases this is the desire of the original WAS so as to shift the burden of guilt from themselves and onto their spouse.

I asked if this was a possibility in my sitch and he responded sarcastically, "would your W like another piece of cake?" The point being, that of course she would be happy to alleviate herself of her guilt. After all she has not moved towards a D, has not asked for one, has not even mentioned it. And yet she is happy to have me move out of the house, separated from her and the kids. So what else do we conclude from this. That she is happy to remain in limbo forever? I think not.

We then talked about how people often feel the need to maintain the upper hand, (i.e. be first to say no, be first to file, be first...). But when guilt is at play and there is an opportunity to shift that guilt onto someone else, then the need to have the upper hand becomes less of a motivation. Well... they still kind of have the upper hand in that they get what they ultimately want - a break from their spouse and removal of their guilt all in one tidy package. So it is kind of a conundrum but I get the point.

We also revisited our discussion from last time about the time it has taken me to reconcile my feelings with my reality and begin to take back my life and move forward. He stated that he knew that for these many months I have been grieving the loss of my M and that how long it takes varies from one person to the next. We talked about how grieving the death of someone vs. the loss of a M are in many ways the same and yet very different. He made this comment that I thought summed up the difference very well. "There is a merciful element of finality to death that just isn't there with the loss of a marriage."

So I continue to move forward, no longer looking over my shoulder. Hoping and praying that better days lie ahead. I think this is true.

[chatterbug]

Them telling you that your getting fired and a D really means: You going through and doing all the work. You filling. You gathering all the info for the lawyers. You preparing and grieving the death of the marriage. You setting up the parenting plan. You dividing all the assets. You making all the sacrifices. I know what that is like. How dare you intrude reality and decisions upon a fantasy world.

Gotta love the lazy , entitled WS.

[2thepoint]

Andy Griffith died earlier this week. TVland is running an Andy Griffith marathon and I heard this quote that rings so true:

"Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution." - Barney Fife