I just finished reading love must be tough. I'm afraid the christian side of the book didn't really appeal but there was a lot of other stuff in there which did make sense. Right now I'm still dark with my wife. Despite several serious temptations to get in touch I haven't rung, emailed or texted. I don't think I'll hear from her again until either I head to Canada (which I was going to tell her about) or she wants furniture for her flat. Firstly, if dark should I tell her about Canada at all? Secondly, in light of love must be tough if she contacts me before then what level of interaction should I go for? I'm certain an ultimatum, like D, such as suggested in the book will be reacted to negatively. However, I am reaching a stage whereby I am going to start standing up for myself. There were issues in our marriage, I have apologised and I am really working on myself. I have repeatedly held out the olive branch and she has chosen to wave it away every time, stating it's all about her and she's changed. I feel like I have to make some attempt to reclaim some respect back in our R. Any top tips? Thirdly, how helpful should I be in her move? My MC says to barely lift a finger it's hers to deal with. Does this fit in with DBing?
I don't think you necessarily need to tell her about Canada. I'm sure sooner or later she'll know that you went. Is it really going to make a difference if she knows? Just live for you right now.
Do not use ultimatums unless you're ready to take on the consequences. You have to realize that even though it seems like forever that you've been apart from your wife, I'm afraid there is still a long road ahead. I am almost a year into my sitch and things are slowly starting to turn around. But even still have not turned around completely.
I don't talk to my H unless absolutely necessary regarding the kids or other business matters. And at this point, I don't have a feeling of NEEDING to. I was very much where you are... where all you want is to talk to them, to tell them about how you're feeling and what's going on in your life.
These feelings will pass. You will feel it less and less as time goes on. But it doesn't necessarily mean that you're done... it just means that you're living your life for you now. Have you been reading any other threads on this board of people that are further along than you in their sitch's? It can be some of the greatest inspiration ever.
Respect will be given to you when you fully start to respect yourself and find happiness from within. It's a hard thing to grasp but when you get it, you'll feel like a new man... I promise!
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
I think you're right about ultimatums. I think I'll just stay with friendly but unattached. Right now, it feels like a corner has been turned. I don't particularly want to ring my wife for the first time in weeks. That worries me too, what if she feels the same? What if we end up just being two very stubborn people not communicating when (i think) we should be. That won't get us anywhere. I'll attempt to keep it up until I get back from canada and reassess then.
I have to admit that I am incredibly curious in a masochistic poking to see if it hurts, oh yes it still hurts kind of way as to what she is doing. I am forbidding myself from snooping though.
As you pointed out though it is very early in the process, although when I said that to my wife the shutters came down instantly. For her it isn't a process, it's a fact, she's done. As for reading other threads, I am doing it almost constantly. Litb's is particularly good.
My husband said he was done two months ago. Now he's saying he's not really done at all. Believe nothing of what they say.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Mab1, my H said there was no hope. Now he's "trying to figure out" what he wants and speaks about us in a future tense. We're going boating together next weekend.
Things change. People change. Work on you so you'll be ready for your future.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Thank you but it's not a done deal. It's a long road he and I have traveled. The destination is still not certain. It's a daily job. Some days I feel good about standing and other days, I just want it to be over with so I can get on with my life and not have to do this work!
But then I think about how much better I feel about myself and how I'll be a better person in any relationship I have in my future and I know it's worth it...at least, for today.
One day at a time. Get through today and be grateful for the lesson given. That's sometimes the only way I can make it.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Regarding your question about moving furniture, I suggest you don't help unless she ask you for help. But make it be specific and don't offer what she doesn't ask for. If she ask you to help move the couch, make her ask you to help move the loveseat too. This way you can show her you respect her need for space while not feeling like you are being walked over. when my W was moving stuff out I did not offer any help. But when she asked for help moving the washer I pleasantly said I would help. Not sure of this is good advice, but i feel like I showed her that i don't support her decision, but she left knowing that I am a nice guy. It made me feel better about the sitch.
M-31, W32 S12, S9, S8, D3 M 12 Years Bomb dropped: 4/30/12 ("I need to be happy") EA discovered: 5/8/12 W denied PA unsure Moved out 7/6/12
That's pretty much what I was planning on doing. I now have a new symptom of the process to deal with. To be blunt I am seem to be experiencing a huge hormone surge the likes of which I haven't felt since I was a teenager. If my W is feeling with something similar then things may be about to get tougher as if she doesn't contact me soon i foresee a PA will be on the way. I can't tell if it will be on her side or mine at the moment!
