New to separation. Am I doing the right things?

[Accuray]

I feel no matter how many improvements I make, my W will always be complaining about so many things....Things are never good enough for W, she can never be happy with what she has.

Here's the thing about complaining -- it's usually a bid for attention, it's evidence that needs are not being met. What's actually being complained about is often inconsequential, the person is saying "pay attention to me!"

If you're doing things for her, but not in the way she needs them, you will get complaining despite the fact that you think you're knocking it out of the park.

Your challenge is to figure out what attention W needs, and how she needs to receive it, and then get good at that. It usually doesn't come naturally, because we're best at sending how WE like to receive.

You can't start doing those things now because it would be pursuing, but you need to spend the time to think about it and try to figure it out, and you can try to work it in as part of your interactions with her. i.e. if you were quick to offer suggestions, try just listening and validating and not offering ANY suggestions unless asked directly. Those are the types of things you can do. Commiserate rather than fix.

Here's the other thing I've noticed about myself -- when I feel badly, or things aren't good between W and I, I might have an inventory of 10 things that I would like to see different or that I think need work. The really interesting thing I've noticed is that if I get just one of them, the rest just melt away -- they are no longer issues. You'll find that with W too, if she's complaining about 8 things, you really don't need to address all 8. Find the one that matters most, address that, and you probably won't hear about the other 7 until her needs meter goes in the red again.

I think you did the right thing with your reunion, and I absolutely would NOT expect her to ask to come. She WILL think about the fact that you're having a good time without her, however, and that is GOOD. When you come back, do NOT volunteer any details, don't give her a play by play. If she asks, tell her it was good, you had a great time, and you really enjoyed catching up with everyone -- leave it at that level. The more mystery you can project the better.

Accuray

[roughenough]

Accuray, thank you for the feedback regarding complaining. I read your response a couple times, so hopefully it will sink in. I am really trying hard to implement a lot of the great feedback I am receiving on this forum.

D had oral surgery the other day. D previously had this type of procedure and my W hates going to these appointments because it’s tough for her to see our D in pain. I stepped up and offered to take D to the appointment, I think W really liked that I took care of it.
I never took D to her dentist appointments in the past. I had to take time off work but it was much needed and important to take care of. W thanked me and appreciated it. I guess you could call it a 180.

I had the kids on the 4th of July and we had a lot of fun however it was the first time in 14 years that I wasn’t with W. My W left me a voicemail after the 4th saying how hard it was without her family, (meaning us). I feel I made the mistake by not addressing or validating her feelings that she expressed in the voicemail.

From reading some other posts I’ve came to the conclusion that it’s quite common to over analyze everything our WAS says. I think a lot of us are looking for signs even though we aren’t supposed to believe a lot of their comments or actions.

Today she has the kids back and she just sent me an email saying “The 4th of July was really hard on me... missing my family! I have a feeling our birthdays are going to be harder”

The reason W mentioned our birthday is because her and I share the same birthday. I then left her a voicemail regarding some logistics for our kids. I also wanted to address her comments. So I said, “I understand that it’s hard, I agree. I feel the same way, I also miss our family. It makes sense that you feel this way”.

How should I view these comments? The fact that I ignored it the first time and she brought it up again makes me think that she really wants to see if I am feeling the same way. I JUST DON’T KNOW if it was good for me to say “I feel the same way and I also miss our family”. That might have been a slip up? I wouldn’t have made those comments without her initiating the topic. I am kinda kicking myself. I am wondering if it could’ve come off like I wasn’t strong. What do you think? Do you think I said the wrong thing? Did I use my words in an incorrect fashion?

Finally, I am going flying with a friend tomorrow. It will be a couple hour flight in a tiny Cessna 172. I love flying, it should be a blast!

Me(M):37
W:42
Together: 14 Married: 11
D: 4 S:8
W wanted separation 5/5/12
Stopped living together 5/5/12
Currently in DB stage

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”.
Thomas Jefferson

[roughenough]

I have always held a job however I might not be the richest man. I love my wife and kids, I am not an addict, I am not an abuser and I don’t get violent. I don’t yell or criticize my W. I am loving, clean cut, well dressed, attractive and in shape.

Let me be clear, just because I am patting myself on my back I am truly a humble person.

I JUST DON’T GET IT!!!! I am sorry but a lot of people struggle financially and husbands don’t always do the dishes and clean the house. I am not lazy. I have always been busy working, giving W attention, taking care of the yard and giving plenty of attention to our kids. I have always worked FT and W has always worked PT. I messed up for years not meeting a couple of my wife’s critical needs. Since the critical needs weren’t met, it’s come to this!!!

[Accuray]

Yeah, you can be a great husband according to your own scorecard, but if you miss a couple of your W's *critical* needs, it doesn't matter. The good news is now you know how that works, so you can figure out how to address those for her, and if she doesn't give you the chance, you can do it for someone else and be a "marriage expert" -- that's empowering right?

I think you handled W's comments perfectly -- no response the first time. Second time you validated. I know it's very tempting to say "This is your choice! It doesn't have to be this way, if you miss your family then come back to it!" That fact is obvious, is right in front of them, but they don't seem to see it. Why? Because she still needs space. Give it to her. Be a good friend, be there for her and available to talk. If she initiates, make conversation. If she doesn't, leave her alone. Don't fear she'll think you've given up. If she starts to wonder about that, it's good, it will draw her back.

Accuray

[Accuray]

FWIW, it's a good sign that she's saying these things to you. My W didn't, she talked to other people, but not me, and she never told anyone she missed me. Those are all positives.

Accuray

[roughenough]

NOW I REALLY COULD USE A SUGGESTION OR TWO. (I don’t know if there’s any good ones though)

Accuray, I am glad you agree that I made the right moves on that one. Even though you didn’t initally get positive signs from your W at least you’re working on reconciliation, right? I really hope it’s going in the right direction for you. You obviously did something right and it’s very clear you’ve done soooo much to make things work. It’s very refreshing to know there’s others out there that truly want to repair their broken marriages.

I feel like you’ve taken me under your wing in a way and I want you to know that I am very grateful for that. I know there’s a lot of people on this board that have a lot of respect for you, me included. I know you don’t have the time to give input on everybody’s sitch and I am truly thankful for you deciding to contribute to my sitch. Hopefully you can tell that I am listening and trying to implement your advice.

Unfortunately a major change has happened since your post.

One term I hear on this forum from time to time is “backslide”. Today I found out that I will be taking my first backslide and it’s a MAJOR BACKSLIDE.

I had an old credit card that was neglected. Well, I just found out today that I will now be garnished for 3,900 until the bill’s paid off. The good news is it won’t stop me from paying my W the same amount I’ve been giving her every month. The bad news is my W has me email her a copy of my pay stubs because sometimes I get bonuses and my paychecks can very. It’s her way of making sure she’s getting the right amount because we agreed she would get part of any bonuses I receive.

Now that I am going to start getting garnished it will show up on my paystubs that I show my wife, just great!!!! Financial issues is one of the biggest 180’s I need to do. It’s a major pet peeve for W. According to W, financial irresponsibility is one of the factors that lead to our separation. Now this!!!! This DOES NOT HELP MATTERS. Things will not be looking good. I know it’s my fault but I just can’t believe it.

[roughenough]

Ok, I have an idea. Please let me know what you think. Recently I’ve been trying to work out payment arrangements with some of these creditors (that’s something I didn’t do a good job at in the past).

This one creditor that’s garnishing me wouldn’t be flexible on payment terms. They wanted a payment close to 300.00 a month which wouldn’t work with my budget. Since I couldn’t make that large of a payment that’s why it’s come to this garnishment.

Through my wife’s eyes she won’t be happy knowing I am getting garnished but at least I am working on getting these past due accounts taken care of. What do you think, is it ok to address it in that fashion or would it not do any good and not make a difference?

[roughenough]

I will be turning 38 in a couple days and I am really looking forward to putting 37 behind me. Let me some up 37.

Father died
Home is in foreclosure
W wanted a separation
Paychecks getting garnished

So far 37 was my worst year ever. Hopefully it will only get better from here! I am going flying for a couple hours today, it will be a lot of fun. I am still very worried though, I am not feeling good about having to tell W about my garnishment. There’s no way around it. At least I have a week or two before I need to tell her. I just want to ease the frustrations she will have towards me. (Not that she’s doesn’t have frustrations already) I would appreciate any suggestions.

[scaredsilly]

is there any way you could earn an additional $300 a month to offset the garnishment? can you sell something? can you get a small part-time job?

is the flying costing you anything?

if you tell her about the garnishment and have a plan to offset it, i would think she would handle it better and you would be showing her that you have it under control. your financials have not been under control so that might be a 180?

[Accuray]

Roughenough,

I think you have to sit down with a financial planner or a lawyer, look at your whole portfolio of debt combined with your income and work out a payoff plan and a budget for you to live by. Your 180 will be adhering to it.

I don't regard the garnishment as a backslide because there's nothing you can do about it. You're paying for the sins of the past as it were. I think you have to accept the things you cannot change, and that may be one of them.

Just like your marriage, your debt problems will not be solved overnight, it's going to take time and consistency, but you can do it, there's no reason you can't.

Focus on the longer term and make it right. You might want to send W an e-mail and give her a heads-up. Keep it business-like. Something like "I'm working very hard on sorting out my financial situation -- unfortunately that's not going to happen overnight. One of my credit cards has resulted in a wage garnishment, you will see this on my paycheck, but it should not impact the money you receive. I will work with a financial professional to put a plan together to get this sorted out and to come up with a budget I can live by, so this should not happen going forward."

That way you head it off and set her expectations. Longer term though you have to get that sorted if you're to convince her that you can offer financial stability, and that is a need she has.

Accuray