25 asked me recently how I "knew" that I was forgiving my w.
My answer has always been - because I check myself.
With my w, I do my best to chose love over anger. I do my best to not act vs. react. I do my best treat how I want to be treated vs. how my negative feelings want her
To me - that seemed like a person trying to forgive...
But I wonder if the reason I haven't truly detached is because I am not truly forgiving...
... don't get me wrong - I DO think I've taken steps in the right direction...
But why do I get upset with contact? Why do I think the worst of her? Why do I not know when or how to communicate with her?
Why I can't be me around her??
I think of this because I am on a film where the amount of sh!t that is hitting the fan is unbelievable. People are upset and very stressed.. and often I am getting the brunt of it...
.. yet I'm calm. I don't assume the worse of them. I show them grace. And I forgive them easily.
I think this is because I'm not emotional attached to them, but I also know that is who I am becoming...
... so why not with w? She calls me yesterday to tell me about a car insurance piece of mail. She thinks it may be the final check needed to separate finances (I haven't told her that it doesn't matter to me anymore). She doesn't know its most likely confirming the separation of our car insurance.
She asked me to call her back to discuss.
Part of me thinks "that's nice of her to tell me."...
Another other part is "wow.. just another way for her to try to get me to talk about the D.
Another part just questions "why?".
And it is always the 2nd or 3rd reason why I don't contact her.
And maybe if I truly detached and I tried working hard to forgive her... it wouldn't matter what we talked about.
It wouldn't matter if she asked how I was or reached out to my friends.
It wouldn't matter when she is passive aggressive or down right a b!tch.
And it wouldn't matter if this last phone call was a tactic to get me to talk about HER agenda.
And that not caring would be awesome. No more stress for me and I can be myself in alot of ways...
... so why the hesitation?
I think it's because if I want to truly forgive my w... I'm gonna have to work at it.
My truth is my marriage did alot of Damage to me. My w said alot of things that cut me deep...
... and I keep looking for resolution in her works and her changes instead of my own.
And even though I feel that I have changed alot of my behavior to make sure I never enter that kind of relationship again.
I still do alot of blaming. I still feel alot of anger and hurt.
I wonder what would happen if I responded in absolute kindness to every conversation with her.
I feel like it would hurt like hell in the beginning... but doesn't most growth?
It's late and I'm starting to ramble.
I just wonder why I can forgive a colleague who I have not emotional invested in... but can forgive someone who I still continue to chose to love.
What is the madness behind my choice there??
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
