I'm a new person

[2chiquitos]

I've been reading up on other people's posts and I'm noticing that I have been very slow in the DB path. I believe it's because of the events that occurred after the affair was discovered.

I would constantly text him very very mean things for a few weeks.Aug. In Jan he said that he would still get freaked out when he saw on his cell that I had text him. He still worried I would send the same mean texts.

I spoke with OW. This is how I discovered the affair. For 2-3 weeks we talked daily and exchanged info on his lies before I discovered the affair. She would actually comfort me and tell me he'll come back.

I confronted OW at the gym.Sept. She had secretly started pursuing H again a month after I discovered the affair and they got back together. H hid it from me. I went psycho and sent OW and I would send each other mean texts back n forth.

After he confirmed they got back together, I thought I was DB'ing for a few weeks but didn't do 180s or GAL. I didn't even do "act as if" really well. He saw through me.

I gave up. Oct. I stopped and went dark. I didn't see a change in him for a month. Now I know why. He saw the same person I was before and I didn't really change much.

I started to take a hard look at myself but to win him back. Nov-Dec. I did 180s and GALs for him, not me.

I snooped. Dec. I found out he had vacationed with OW/GF and I confronted him, yelled at him, belittled him, and left the state with the kids for 2weeks.

I made empty threats. Jan. I said we shouldn't see each other during the week and he should only see the kids on weekends. I did this to hurt him but to cut him out of my life as much as I could. (we were seeing each other everyday).

I finally got it! Feb. I practiced his LLs and GAL for ME! and did 180s for ME!

I sometimes beat myself up with I shoulda, coulda, woulda but as I've read before, everyone does this at their own pace.

I had a DB Coach from Nov-Feb but it wasn't until I stopped talking to my coach that I really started working it.

So it's been about 5mos of DBing and every month I learn something new about myself and about H.

I can say that this month, I'm learning to express my anger in positive ways. I used to lash out, then I completely shut down, but now resentment is creeping up and I realized I need to work through my anger.

I also learned that H wants me to be happy and he knows he can't do that for me. I need to do it on my own. So I seriously need to do more GALs but it's just so hard when I have a 1yo that nurses. I will be patient. I tell myself, in a year D1 will be more independent and I will be able to do more. Til then, I need to meditate, enjoy my children and live in the present.