Time and patience Mab1. WRT friends and family, they will give you bad advice, they don't want to see you in pain, and not having walked in your shoes, they'll think the quickest way through is to give up. They simply cannot empathize or sympathize unless they've been through this.
It can be helpful to talk to *someone* about your sitch when you need to -- particularly when you're tempted to reach out to W. Just choose wisely. Choose someone who is a good listener, and doesn't keep telling you what to do, just commiserates. Tell them you're not looking for suggestions, just to be heard.
I had an old friend visiting me last weekend and he knew some of my sitch and wanted to understand more of it. I spent some time talking to him about it and his immediate response was "you should leave, you can do better."
I said "wait a minute -- I have 3 kids. If I leave, all three of their lives will be worse. Mine may be better, or it may be worse, there are no guarantees. Is it fair to trade my potential happiness for 3 lives of unhappiness?" When he thought about that, he saw my point. They don't get it unless they've done it.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Also, once you've told a couple folks who can be your support system, stop there. Each time you retell it you're going to feel worse, and then you'll have more people asking you for updates. Rein it in, keep it close.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Also, once you've told a couple folks who can be your support system, stop there. Each time you retell it you're going to feel worse, and then you'll have more people asking you for updates. Rein it in, keep it close.
Accuray
Second this suggestion. That same support group that you blab all your crap to, will reflect these viewpoints to you for a long time to come. It can help get you stuck there and also have them label you as a drama king/queen.
If you need to talk to someone talk to a marriage counselor, db coach or deacon/preacher in a private session.
Sorry guys I need to vent, anger is really starting to kick in now. I'm so fed up of being all over the place. It's friday night and I have no idea where my wife is. I'm lonely, tired and frustrated. If she rang me right now I don't know if I could be civil to her. I had an absolute breakdown in IC earlier. I feel like I'm being completely trodden all over and I'm starting to lose respect for myself. It's really starting to wear on me now. Vent over!
Mab1, I am where you are right now. I am not sure if the pain is worth it. But I have decided that my dignity and self-respect are two things that are important to me that she can't take away. However, they are mine to lose. I think what everyone has been trying to tell you (and me) is that the goal is to improve yourself, with your W coming back to the R as icing on the cake. But if she chooses not to, then you still win.
M-31, W32 S12, S9, S8, D3 M 12 Years Bomb dropped: 4/30/12 ("I need to be happy") EA discovered: 5/8/12 W denied PA unsure Moved out 7/6/12
Why am I not GALing? Because I know no one in this city who isn't either in their late 30s and settled with kids or are on holiday or plain just doesn't want to go out. I went out and walked around the city and there was plenty happening but it's all bars when I'm not drinking or gigs from bands I don't want to listen to. Classical concerts I'm not into. Restaurants and I'm not hungry. I can't even talk to my best friend in the world because she has suddenly decided that she doesn't like me any more. All the socialising groups I could find had nothing planned or were booked out. I want to do things, meet people I just don't know where to start.
So, I've booked in for a social evening on Tuesday. Tonight I'll go to a comedy gig. I've got volunteering in a few hours. I just can't believe I'm having to do this. My wife may have turned into a different person in a month and a half but I haven't. Damn, I'm missing her!
