TIME for a change

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks Brit and Valeska, I appreciate your feedback!

Brit,

I really don't think I'm angry, not toward my wife or anyone at this point really. Not even the OM, when it started out he was trying to get some loving just like any other guy. If it wasn't him would've been some other bloke I guess.


hey just a notation here^^^...it's about the 4th time in the past 36 hours you have told us you are "not angry" at w, or "at women in general" OR "At OM".

I don't believe that.
You're in an "anger management' class now for SOME reason, so maybe it's safe to say expressing anger is an issue for you.

Now I"m wondering if denying anger is. That's unfortunate, b/c what it really seems like TO ME, is that you are indeed angry but you are self censoring to hide it, though not well. AND

b/c you are frustrated that how you express anger has made your life worse and you still don't know how to healthily work through the anger...how to process it, learn empathy for the other's point of view, and then to let it go...

we all still seem to sense it. Think about it.

I wish I was more like you because you're one of the folks out here who seems to "get it", unlike myself...

I see your point, I am going to try to show concern with no agenda. For example just texted her saying "Hope you are feeling better, how are you and <sister> doing?" No response but I showed genuine concern without pursuit hopefully. I see your point that I can't just "run away", but that flies in the face of LRT/going dark which is where I seemingly need to be.

I hope she doesn't feel that way, as I haven't said anything remotely non-nice


really? Look again at your texts. I recall vaguely snide remarks in your texts.

Some of the "guess you don't want ME there" or "what? No visiting either???" and something about having someone else to take care of her instead of you, or you wished it was you "BUT" it's not, etc...

imo, that's not kindness.

since March, which was the last time I got spun up when we were talking. I'm going to take your advice going forward. Don't think I'll be able to validate anything related to the OM though, that would certainly come off as fake without question. If she is still involved with OM on 8/27, she will have a divorce decree with my signature on it to execute, that is my final boundary. Nothing mean about it, I fully expect this to happen at this point.

On your last point, that certainly isn't my primary concern. I can't do anything about how she is feeling or her recovery since she wants nothing to do with me. My point is, that this new scenario

which you knew was coming...

in my sitch is not going to help, it is only going to throw further variables in play and make things more difficult as related to my reconciliation hopes.



how do you know she won't have downtime to THINK? Ponder? Reflect?


That is my point here. I empathize with her and wish there was something I could do to help, but I can't because she isn't interested in my help or compassion I guess.

Valeska, thank you also.

I am really trying to just do things for her, a byproduct of these however is that I somehow seem to have to be involved.

explain^^^ please...Why can't you go clean a bathroom of hers, alone, or mow her lawn, or do an errand, to show her a gesture without her also being there to witness it, or what?

I really don't have any expectations of anything that I do. The only logical expectation that I have is that I expect we will be getting divorced.

Unconditional Love for my wife to me would look like anything I can do to make her happy or her life easier. That is the type thing I have been doing.

then don't make anymore comments about her that are critical, which you make HERE and

don't say how you are not angry AT HER but you ARE ANGRY AT HER "CHOICES"...anger is anger and it shows!

And that doesn't help you b/c no one wants to be around it. Hence the need to process it, empathize and LET IT GO...for real.

if you are man of faith, turn it over to GOD...let HIM handle it.

Unfortunately since we don't really communicate my only avenue to do that is to try and help her financially. I don't know what else to do.



see comment above. You seemed to think, still, that HER love language is gifts but its clearly how YOU GIVE love. So your love language that you give/express is gifts.
BUT
That might not be how she receives it. She may say "Oh nice. Thanks"and think little of it OR think it's a bribe...whereas you fixing something that is broken, taking her child to the doctor,

or spending time with her might well be how she FEELS LOVED...
[b]
We each have at least one love language we GIVE and one love language we receive,

sometimes more. What are her receiving love languages? What makes her FEEL loved?[/b]


On a side note, my considering filing on the eligible date was brought up as an idea by DB coach Cheryl whom I have spoken with 3 times. She had noted that if the sitch doesn't change that could be a final indicator of my ability/readiness to move on. I know that some people have carried on this battles for years and eventually reconciled. I also know some WAS/MLC have had to become divorced before seeing the light and wanting to work on things. Since "that" marriage is obviously over I am trying to look at the whole final divorce action as a paper exercise anyway, since that's all it is.


I don't know when I'd have felt truly done. But I do have 2 family members who divorced and remarried their exes, years later. They had kids, so contact was on going tho' not consistent. They ALL changed/improved and I don't think any of them expected to reconcile but wanted to do right by the kids...

and eventually became their best selves and what their exes, most wanted/needed. They were happier the 2nd time around. It happens.

But how would marriage to you in the future or even today

be different/better than before? Be specific. If you cannot tell us the answer

then you are not likely to be able to show it to her

and it probably means that it really would not be better/different.

So how can YOU make that possibility (ie it being better/different)

a reality?

Thanks again for you guys feedback, I appreciate yours and any other opinions. Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[Broken74]

Thanks 25,

I swear I don’t think I’m angry at this point. Maybe I am but I don’t think I am, if I am I don’t realize it. I was at a point in time, now it’s more disappointment and sadness I guess. The reason I am in the classes is because of my confronting the OM since he didn’t have the stones to talk me to man to man/face to face. I have tried to let everything go. The only thing I think that angers me at this point is my job and I’m sure I’m not the only one who goes through this.

I see your point on how some of my texts could have been interpreted by her. I wasn’t trying to be mean, but I guess “trying to show that I care” could be interpreted by her another way. I was really trying to flatter her in a way which is also a mistake. By saying “I wish it was me”. When I mentioned the no visitors either, I said that because her sister didn’t want any visitors. I am trying to be nothing but kind to her, I guess her interpretation could lead her to think otherwise.

I appreciate your point, that maybe her downtime will give her time to Think/Ponder/Reflect. I put nothing but a negative spin on it, perhaps her downtime will be helpful as you suggest.

For most things I can think of to try and do to help her it generally require me to be present. I would love to do things you suggest for her, but it would require me to be present at her house.

Should I ask her “I want to do you a favor, not something that requires us to see each other but anything that will help you out. Getting groceries, taking care of an errand, whatever. Let me know something that will help you out and it will be done. “ That would be pursuit and should be avoided right? See this is my catch 22, there is really nothing I can do without it being persuit.

She said herself her love language is receiving gifts, that has always been the case. I have tried to spend time with her and my stepkids, declined…. I would do all of these other things you suggest, happily, again declined. Any attempts I make at expressing love seem to fall on deaf ears… That is what’s so frustrating.

So 25, in short, I hear what you are saying and I agree with you. The problem is, given where I am in my sitch, I can’t do any of these things. There’s really nothing I can do “on my own” without her involvement/blessing that I’m not already doing. That’s why I’m stuck and it feels like there’s nothing I can do but try to work the LRT, wait, and hope.

Our marriage would be different because I know although my stepkids aren’t biologically mine I am ready to treat them as my own. Our marriage would be different because I would never talk to her with a jaded tongue. Our marriage would be different because I have forgiven her for our past. Our marriage would be different because her and the kids happiness would be my primary goal. Our marriage would be different because I’m sober now.

If I hadn’t been drinking I know I wouldn’t be in this situation right now. I don’t know how to make her see this.

I’m still stuck because I can’t think of anything to do but wait and hope.

For me personally I’m fine though. I just want to progress my sitch and can’t do anything about it which is frustrating. Patience I guess.

Thanks again 25 I appreciate it!

[Broken74]

Hey DB's!

So I think I was baited today... Text from W:

W: Did you send me something today? A webkinz?

Me: Nope, I don't know what a webkinz is. Hope you feel better and have a good weekend.

If she's going to bait me she's going to have to come harder than that... She tells me she may be falling in love with OM and I didn't react and then she comes back with a webkinz? lol

And with that my weekend begins... Hell week at work but I'm very much looking forward to a relaxing weekend and not dwelling on my sitch, effectively a three day weekend with a golf tournament and baseball game on Monday both work activities!

So I guess tomorrow starts day 1 of the new LRT streak since I don't have any better ideas. She knows I'm here if she needs me, so I'm not going to make mention of it anymore. Time to be patient again...

Have a good weekend and good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[Broken74]

Hope everyone is enjoying the sweltering heat!

Not of lot action in my sitch this week, aside from moving into 60 days to the eligible filing date. Did have some correspondence via txt with the W.

W: Thank you for the flowers

Me: You're welcome. I hope you are doing well and feeling better. I would like to do you a favor, not something that requires you to see me. Just something to help you out. Pick up groceries, run an errand, something to help you out while you recover. You name it.

W: I'm good. The kids are all taken care of. I just wish I could get back to normal routine again. I've been out of work for a week and bored to death cause I can't do anything. Wouldn't be so bad if I could sleep while I lay around but I haven't been able to sleep either. [censored]!

Me: I'm glad you're feeling better. I'm sorry you're bored and can't sleep. What can I do for you? I could be your sight unseen housekeeper if you like.

W: The house stays pretty clean. I know you don't believe that.

Me: Sure I do. I'd be happy to do anything to help you out. If you'd like your boredom squashed for an hour or so that could also be arranged.

W: SS1 and SS2 just got home. They've been gone all weekend so they're blabbing my ears off now. Lol

Me: They're just happy to see their Mom. Please tell them I said hello. <sent a pic of my new shoes>. I know you dig my Sperry's ;-) lol

W: That's funny :-)

Me: I'm a funny guy, hope you feel better soon. I hope you get some sleep this evening. Please tell squirt (SD) I said hey too. Good night.

COUPLE DAYS PASS

W: What's your new mailing address again?

I didn't respond and half hour later she sends ??? and then calls me I didn't answer.

Me 4 hours later: <Address> You do have an iphone right? lol
;-) How are you doing and how is <sister>?

W: I'm ok. Can't quit stressing over work. <sister> is good. Her feeding tube has to stay in another two weeks and it hurts her but she's ok.

Me: What's up at work

W: Same old same ole

Me: I hope things get better for you. I have to develop, document, implement, and present to executive management a new departmental quality process by 8/1 while still working my old job. I hope you get some good rest tonight.

So really nothing going on here, aside from my lightly stupid pursuit. I assume she was asking for my address to send the car payment, which is now 4 days late since it was due on the 26th. I haven't mentioned this in any way which is a 180 for me, I figure it will probably show in the mail today but I won't know until next week b/c I'm enjoying another weekend on the road! :-)

<MindReading Alert> She is still using my music streaming service and constantly playing the "woe is me/I messed up/take me back titles". She apparently puts Unchained Melody and Best I Ever Had on repeat along with a number of other "I messed up titles". That got me spun up at a point in time now I just find it somewhat humerous.

Sunday is my SD birthday. I got her a simple gift and plan to drop it at their mailbox either Sunday or Monday. Otherwise no reaching out from me, we'll see when she hits me up the next time.

I'm happy and having a great time. I think when I've looked back I always viewed our relationship in rose colored glasses. It's pretty awesome doing what I want, when I want, 100% of the time. I ran 20 miles this week and had two ladies strike up a conversation on the trail. I've definitely got my mojo back and am in the best shape since I met my wife. I can honestly say I'm not worried about this anymore, I have reached the indifference state. Should she have a change of heart it will take significant thought on my part to consider it now. I have four solid female suitors pretty much chasing me. This has given me a new perspective on women in general. I am not entertaining these women, but it is amazing to see how indifference/showing no interest in their advances makes them go crazy! Women are a trip... The divorcebusting principles also apply outside of DB I guess... I wish I would have figured this out 20 years ago... I'm still just doing me for now, looking forward to a lot of relaxing and the pool this weekend.

I'm glad to see all of you are doing well, good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[Broken74]

No More Mr. Nice Guy...

Wow!!! Read it cover to cover last night... So hard hitting I am going to read it again. Would be a good one to see if the W would read as it explains many of my past behaviors, but I won't suggest this obviously as it's against the 37 rules. Never thought I would get pegged by a self help book but this one did it. It's a great read that I highly recommend.

Nothing new in the sitch. Dropped off a simple birthday present for SD yesterday and that was it. No new communications from my wife. On a side note only 6 more DV classes until graduation and a clean criminal record at which point I can entertain more lucrative career opportunities!

I'm doing great and I have a plan that I am ready to execute, T-minus 55 days.

Good Luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[Broken74]

So I tried to brighten the W's day in a non-pursuit fashion this morning, had no expectations but to see the reaction and mindset of a WAS to the simplest of things really puts a flashlight on where there head is at.

So a friend of mine has this really cute tiny poodle I had taken a picture of, my wife loves cute dogs so I thought it may make her smile. I sent here the picture and a text:

Me: Hey, Happy Friday!

W: Don't send me pictures from your girlfriends house.

This baffles me, I sent a dog sitting on an ottoman on a hardwood floor with normal furniture in the background. I am not dating anyone so I am not sure where this assertion came from on her part, just weird really so I don't read anything into it.

Me: I don't have a girlfriends house... I was just trying to brighten your day. It's Friday put a smile on your face! How are you doing?

W: I'm ok

Me: Well I hope you get better! How's <sister> doing? If there's anything I can do to help you or her out just let me know. I know you have helpers (e.g. her kids) but does <sister> need her grass cut or anything?

W: She's fine. She gets her tube out next week.

Me: How much weight has she lost? You are still funny to me, why on earth would I be sending you pictures "from a girlfriends house" lol. You're goofy ;-). I hope you have a good weekend!

This really was a pointless exercise, just basically wanted to let her know I was thinking about them and see if there was anything I could do... At least I didn't persue right? Hell I haven't seen her since Valentines day I should be off the pursuit hook I think lol

I'm not mindreading on it anymore but it is funny that her music listening habits continue to be a constant barrage of woe is me/take me back tunes. Unchained Melody, Remind Me, I told you so etc over and over again... If only the saying were true that the lyrics of a woman's favorite song is how she feels....

Big golf weekend/catching up with my buddies this weekend. I'm lucky that this whole GAL program comes naturally or me.

Everyone enjoy your weekend and good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[scaredsilly]

Sorry but the exchange looks like pursuit to me. You initiated.

[nhmom]

Broken,

What happened to your 'no-contact' streak?

Yes, you did pursue. You need to stop that.

[Broken74]

Thanks ladies, you are both right... This was extremely stupid, not well thought out and was totally on a whim... Back to NC land for me. I think I'm feeling the pressure to make something happen since the eligible filing date is fast approaching... 10 months of this crap and counting.... Lol. Thanks for your feedback and setting me straight! :-)

[Broken74]

So got a random text from the W this morning:

W: <SD> came home from <her XH> last night and loves her candy land game. She wanted to thank you but it was too late to call so I told her I'd tell you.

I don't really see any reason to respond to this. She didn't ask a question. Is that not utter BS? lol I guess it would have been extraordinary to instead consider letting her call me today to say thank you.

So no response is the best response to this right?

Thanks in advance for any opinions on this little gem, and good luck to all in your respective sitch's!