How many licks does it take...?

[2thepoint]

Thanks friends! I don't know if it is new found confidence, a new tone or if it is merely an acceptance of my reality and then taking steps to move forward with my head held high. Whatever it is, I don't want to go backwards. There is too much pain back there...

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Saw my IC today, among the various topics of discussion was the idea of the LBS becoming the WAS after so much time has passed and no movement whatsoever is seen on the part of the WAS towards any kind of reconciliation. I told him that I had read here and elsewhere that it is not uncommon for the LBS to become the WAS and that in some cases this is the desire of the original WAS so as to shift the burden of guilt from themselves and onto their spouse.

I asked if this was a possibility in my sitch and he responded sarcastically, "would your W like another piece of cake?" The point being, that of course she would be happy to alleviate herself of her guilt. After all she has not moved towards a D, has not asked for one, has not even mentioned it. And yet she is happy to have me move out of the house, separated from her and the kids. So what else do we conclude from this. That she is happy to remain in limbo forever? I think not.

We then talked about how people often feel the need to maintain the upper hand, (i.e. be first to say no, be first to file, be first...). But when guilt is at play and there is an opportunity to shift that guilt onto someone else, then the need to have the upper hand becomes less of a motivation. Well... they still kind of have the upper hand in that they get what they ultimately want - a break from their spouse and removal of their guilt all in one tidy package. So it is kind of a conundrum but I get the point.

We also revisited our discussion from last time about the time it has taken me to reconcile my feelings with my reality and begin to take back my life and move forward. He stated that he knew that for these many months I have been grieving the loss of my M and that how long it takes varies from one person to the next. We talked about how grieving the death of someone vs. the loss of a M are in many ways the same and yet very different. He made this comment that I thought summed up the difference very well. "There is a merciful element of finality to death that just isn't there with the loss of a marriage."

So I continue to move forward, no longer looking over my shoulder. Hoping and praying that better days lie ahead. I think this is true.