XYZ here again...

[Accuray]

Ok, I was going from the kids ages in your signature. Sex versus parenting is a BS choice. How about, do you want me to spend time talking to you, or do you want me to be a good parent? You have to both have sex and be good parents, it's not either or.

I predict that your put it in the backseat strategy won't lead anywhere good -- she won't even notice and you will just get more resentful.

Are you doing all the SSM prescriptions?

-- spend time every day talking to her and listening
-- figure out her love language and speak it
-- figure out her top emotional needs and ensure they are met
-- make yourself as physically attractive as possible

If so, then have the discussion.

Two strategies that helped in my sitch:

1). I agreed that I would not escalate physical affection. If H wanted to hug, hold hands, whatever I would not view that as the first step in foreplay. Mirror but don't escalate. Tell her that's what you're going to do. It creates a "safe" environment for affection that will be good for her.

2). Tell her you need sex to happen on a certain frequency -- once a month, twice a month, whatever you can live with and feel good. Tell her she's in charge of deciding when, as long as you adhere to the frequency. Tell her you don't like being rejected, she doesn't like rejecting you, so the best solution is if she decides when.

3). Look at everything she does to take care of the kids and take on some of it. It could be doing their laundry, making their lunch in the morning, taking them to school or to the doctor, arranging playdates, whatever. The key is that you have to entirely own it. Don't wait for her to tell you their laundry needs to be done, make a habit of determining that yourself. If you just do the action but she has to do the planning and management you haven't really offloaded mental cycles and that's what makes her tired. Plus, pay someone to clean the house on some schedule.

Accuray