I'm sorry for your pain. I have been there myself, and although my own marriage has been recovered for five years now, there are STILL times when painful triggers can happen. This will, in all likelihood, be the most difficult thing you've had to face up until this point in your life.
On the bright side, it also has the opportunity to be THE DEFINING MOMENT in your life up until this point.
How old are your children, by the way?
Other than probably disagreeing somewhat with her "affairs don't last" (many do -- they are basically addictions, and like most addictions they simply don't end on their own, and in fact usually escalate, first, and can be incredibly destructive in the meantime), I agree with just about everything 25MLC has told you and you'd be wise to follow. There's not much I can add, other than this:
You seem to be a "rescuer/pleaser" type. (I know, cuz I am one, too ). I see it in statements like this:
Quote:
She became very depressed and would stay in bed late. I would keep the kids busy and hold her, telling her there was a light at the end of the tunnel.
I'd advise you to STOP rescuing her from the consequences of her choices -- even when they're destructive -- and let her "put on her big-girl panties (BGPs)" as we say around here. Sadly, you can NOT reach her emotionally right now, nor can you reason with her, because her brain is all aflush with endorphines from her affair (just google "PEAs love lust brain addiction" and do some research on this). Work on YOU -- protecting yourself legally and financially, and on self-improvement physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Your wife will have a choice to me, but so do you: you have to decide if you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with YOU. We can't answer that for you. I chose to FIGHT for my wife and for my marriage, with every ounce of strength I had and with every tool at my disposal, and was successful. But I've also seen the "let them go" approach work very effectively as well. I do feel very strongly that unless and until your wife sees you ACTUALLY MOVING AWAY FROM HER, emotionally, she will most likely continue to try to keep both her "Plan A" and her "Plan B" thing going. Unfortunately, YOU are 'plan B' right now.
Have you given some thought as to how long you want to fight for this? I'm not a fan of external (communicated) deadlines, but I am of INTERNAL ones. 3-6 months, with some strong boundaries in place which we can discuss, might be a good range.
). I see it in statements like this: