OK, just read the stockdale paradox and it struck a real chord. So, I just have to accept things and be optimistic that life will get better. I think I'll be able to remember that for about 2 hours at my current rate!
In the spirit of facing up to things, what are good things to say when faced with the "I want a divorce" line. Is it best just to say OK then leave? Or something like "I'm sorry that you feel that way"?
Maybe it won't happen but I want to be prepared if it does.
You are allowing fear to be your guide. Fear is usually worse than reality.
It seems that you recognize that you are afraid of utilizing the great advice that has been given to you because of the way it will affect the relationship with your W. It is paralyzing you.
It is time for you to get into the game and begin to take action. Until you drop the rope and take control of your life, it will most likely feel like an insurmountable obstacle.
My children did play a big role in my reconciliation, however they are not the reason for it. My W living the consequences of her choices, in addition to me working on myself and becoming attractive made the bigger differences.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Please believe she thought about it for more than a week -- it may feel like it was spur of the moment, but it was more likely a "straw that broke the camel's back" that occurred in the moment. I guarantee that she had been unhappy and thinking of leaving for a LONG time, but she hid it from you. People almost always hide these thoughts from their spouse because of the fear that the spouse will say "me too" and boot them out, and then they're afraid they'll reconsider. Therefore, they will work everything through FIRST before they tell you that anything is wrong, and then it's too late for a quick response. That sux but that's how it works.
It's too late for a quick response, but it's not too late to respond at all, that's what 180 is all about.
If you get a divorce request, the best advice I've seen here is to say something like:
"I understand that you feel that way. I believe our marriage is worth saving, and I'm willing to do the work to have the best marriage possible. For that reason, I will continue to work on myself to be the best husband possible. That said, if you really want a divorce, I won't stand in your way. My expectation is that you will do the work to drive the process and I will respond when necessary. I wish it didn't have to come to this, but I do want you to be happy."
The bottom line is that if you dig in and resist, you will trigger their fight or flight response which makes them want to run and once again makes you the bad guy.
Many times, because they waited so long before leaving, they felt "trapped" for a long time, with you as the person holding the key to the cage. You need to be very aware of this and avoid behaviors where you would be perceived as telling them what to do, or limiting what you'll "allow" them to do, or trying to tell them what is best for them.
In terms of getting a handle on your emotions, which you are struggling with, the suggestions that have been offered on your thread are good ones:
1) Set reasonable goals for yourself, that only you are needed to achieve. Why is this valuable? (a) it restores your feeling of self-control and counteracts that "drowning" feeling and (b) it rebuilds your self-esteem -- it helps you to validate yourself by seeing what you accomplished
2) Exercise -- the endorphins help to improve your mood following a workout, and the activity itself helps you shed anger and aggression.
3) Look as good as you can -- lose weight, get in better shape, and improve your dress. This serves to both make the WAS take notice because you're doing something they wouldn't expect, and simultaneously helps with your self-esteem
4) GAL -- Get a life. Most important is to get out and meet new people. Volunteering or meetups are a good choice because you're in a context where interaction is expected. Taking a Yoga class may not be as good an idea because people don't spend a lot of time socializing with each other in that context. Trying to meet people in bars is probably also not a good choice, many people are looking to "hook up" in that context so people have an extra wall up in many cases. Volleyball, softball, sports teams, that kind of stuff is great.
If that's not enough and you really want to be "doing" something, think about this -- "people like to be with people who make them feel good about themselves"
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I just hope I haven't completely messed it all up. I haven't been in touch since she was round on Saturday and am not going to till I go to toronto for a break in two weeks. I'll let her know that the house is empty and that of course she's more than welcome to stay here if she wants. I've been exercising a lot (lost about 50lbs, want to lose about another 15), bought a whole new wardrobe, new haircut. Am volunteering, not drinking, trying to sort out my job, have been keeping her garden in check (more or less). I just find it really hard when she tells me not to get false hope, to take meals out with other people and things in that vein.
She is not telling you anything that any of us haven't heard. Realize that this is typical. Take some comfort in that and rise above.
From everything you've listed, you're doing great. Continue on with those things.
Accuray's advice is one of the best. I would read his posts over and over if I were you until it sinks in.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
I'm going to sound negative here again but how do you guild onto hope. Everything I read about this process apart from DR and maybe a couple of other things is negative. My friends, family and MC want to make me face up to the fact we are finished. I'm sure she is getting the same from her support. Seeing the pity in mutual friends eyes hurts hugely as I tell them what she said. I just want to tell them don't worry we're not finished yet, I'm working on it. Instead i have to put on a brave face, smile and relive the take from my side. She seems happier now than in our marriage and she looks to be totally emotionally divorced. Hence, why she won't deal with the money stuff, because that was then and her bright, shiny, work filled new world is now so much better than before that anything to do with that old world must be left untouched. For instance, when I'm away I'm certain she will bit stay here but would rather sleep anywhere else, because to stay here would be looking back. I can almost guarantee there won't be any physical contact next time we meet. So yes, I am letting fear control me a lot. I'm just really scared that I'll never fill the wife size hole which appeared in my life.
mab, I'm going to challenge you... start talking positively.
It's easy for other people to tell you that you should just look at your M as finished because it doesn't directly affect them. Do what feels right in your heart. If you don't want to be finished then continue on. But try to stop the negative thoughts. (I know it's hard, but put your focus on changing this.)
Make a list of the things that you're grateful for in your life.
If you look at the big picture, we really have a lot to be grateful for. 25 posted this to my thread and it gives a really great perspective...
SIDENOTE--
You hit the nail on the head when you realized in the grand scheme of things how lucky we are. This is key to making it thru our dark nights...
No one is shooting at us or raping us or kidnapping our son's to be soldiers in their "army". That is happening now, as you read this, to someone else.
We have shelter. A bad storm won't cave in our "home".
We have food and it's in our ELECTRIC refrigerators....we HAVE refrigerators...
and as financially strapped as we may feel, we know there will be some food in there when we open the door to our refrigerator and again, tomorrow there will be something to eat.
WE have access to health care, our children were vaccinated, and they are healthy. We are well too, with no deteriorating illness or debilitating disease nor are we amputees from war or maimed...(my h works with Wounded Warriors and it's a powerful thing to see a 25 y/o woman missing her hands, but feeling that they are "on fire", b/c that is what her nerve endings tell her brain).
We know our h's are alive. They did not disappear in the desert or jungle.
Despite the r problems we have, you know you are physically surviving this day...this week and this month.
These facts ^^^above, mean that our lives are in the top 3% of lives, worldwide....
think about that some time. In the grand scheme of things our pain is real but it's not eternal or fatal. We are far FAR more fortunate than the vast majority of women in the world.
When I hear someone say "this is so unfair" I just say 'Fair'? Go to Africa...
I hope what I'm saying is making sense...
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
I can't thank you enough for continuing to help me through this. I really do appreciate all the effort you are all making. I wish there was something more concrete I could do for you all in return!
mab, you can move on at anytime. When you're done, you're done. But moving on won't get you magically to a pain-free place. The only way through this is through it and it's often painful.
About the look of pity in friends' eyes when you tell them what she said. Don't tell them what she said unless you're looking for that reaction from them. They have no need to know what goes on in your personal life.
Quote:
I'm just really scared that I'll never fill the wife size hole which appeared in my life.
This is interesting wording. Are you more afraid of your wife being gone or of you being alone? Both are valid and being alone is difficult after being in a R for several years.
Either way, you need to create a bright, shiny new world for you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
What helped me the most was to stop talking to my friends about it. My W has said the same thing to me.
All that is important is what you think and how you feel. Naturally, if your friends say something, your feelings will change because you are aligning with what they think is right.
My W and I were talking the other day and this topic came up. We both talked about how we stopped talking to some friends because we didn't want to hear their opinions anymore. It is like you are being judged.
A mutual friend that was one of my groomsmen in my wedding, his first response to me when he heard was "F that, you are done. Get a lawyer."
One of her bridesmaids told me "She's done, move on. What the h3ll is she thinking".
My mom said "Move on. If she doesn't love you, you can't make her."
My best friend is telling me that I can't move towards R until I get an unconditional surrender from her.
Her sister told me to file for D because that is the only thing that is going to wake her up.
The list of what I heard goes on and on.
It was only after I started to live for me and make my own decisions based on what I wanted did I start to recover. My wife and I aren't close to R, but we are making progress. Something that wouldn't have happened if we listened to everyone's opinions.
"I'm just really scared that I'll never fill the wife size hole which appeared in my life."
This scares me too, it is natural. But to be honest, the hole is shrinking for me. I used to think I would never find someone like my W again. She is beautiful. But honestly, there are more beautiful women out there. There is someone out there that will want to love me and be with me. I know this. I know if there comes a day that I decide the M is over, I will find someone else.
The one sign/step that I want to see so bad right now is to talk to my W every night before I go to sleep. I miss my W being the first and last person I talk to everyday. We text each other good morning almost everyday, so we are making progress. But as I laid in bed last night, I didn't know what we would talk about if we did talk every night. This situation moved us apart. We need to rediscover each other again.
Time heals all wounds. In time, this hole will shrink. I promise you that. Your dependence on her will start to fade.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
