Getting ready to take a short family vacation and I got a book to read on Patience for the trip! Hopefully it's a good one.
You can choose for it to be a good one.
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
With regards to listening, I've been trying more to listen as we learned in retrovaille. I'm typically a 'fixer' so I'm really trying to avoid coming up with solutions unless specifically asked to do so. This takes focus at this point, but it does make you really think about what's going on with your spouse. Instead of fixing, I ask about her feelings toward the topic.
You can practice listening with anyone. It doesn't have to be with your wife.
Pick out anyone in a grocery store that has the 'Gift of Gab' , and strike up a conversation with them. When you talk with them, you can practice listening, you can practice validation, and you can practice not being the 'fixer'. And it is certainly a lesson in patience. Talk about anything except your situation with them, and let them do the majority of the talking.
Originally Posted By: BD
For the judgmental piece, I didn't really think I was like that until I took a hard look at myself. Turns out that I was...big time. I think I've done a 180 on this one, but I haven't really spent a lot of time thinking about where it came from. If I had to answer, I'd say three things drove it:
1) I came a long way from my where my family was so I did have a bit of a superiority thing going on. I was the first one in my entire family to graduate from college, did so on my own dime, and got a good job, which I excelled at.
2) Kinda tying in with #1, I think I had to build myself up when I was younger to get thru some of the hardships. Clearly, it got out of hand.
3) Insecurity. I think I constantly put other people down in order to make myself feel better. As I've gotten older, this took on more of a logic based judgement, but at the end of the day, it was still judgement.
One of the things that I would ask myself was....
How is what I am saying, being perceived by the person listening to me ? , and would I want to have a conversation with myself on this topic ????
It really opened my eyes when I thought of things in that regard...
The Family stuff...
It seems as though you have been seeking validation from your family. There is a difference between being superior, and taking Pride in what you have accomplished. Being proud of what you have accomplished is a very good thing. But it doesn't make you superior to anyone. Part of that really ties in to accepting people as they are, and respecting their choices, although they may be different from the choices you have made.
(What you can also learn, are the triggers that make you feel superior to them, and dig into those things, to find out WHY you feel that way.)
When that happens within a relationship, over the years, it really comes across as controlling to another person. It comes across as anything EXCEPT unconditional love.
I'm not asking you this to peeve you off...
Are you really that much better than anyone in your family ? Are you a "better" person than the guy sitting on the corner who is homeless ????
Are you a better person than your wife ???
Have you taken any time with your family now ? With a fresh set of eyes , and new listening skills ?
A really good way of overcoming this, is to volunteer at a homeless shelter, or spend a day working at the food bank. Even to organize a Food Drive at your work. Then see the life in these people, who don't want your charity. What you see, is a human, with life, and emotion. Some are there because they choose to make crappy choices, some are there because they have circumstances beyond their control. And all they want is a chance. ALL of them have a soul, and really are created equal...
It really is a very humbling experience...
What are some things that you can do ?
Food bank ? Habitat for Humanity? Homeless shelter? Animal shelter ?
Originally Posted By: BD
I remember my wife and I having a discussion about beer. We both enjoy craft beer and I'm a bit of a beer snob. Whenever we had friends that would drink bud-lite, I'd always say something nasty about it, like "you didn't have to bring bud-lite, we have water." She really didn't like the judgment and in hindsight, it's pretty ugly to be like that, even when it was in a joking kind of way. I think I've made good strides on this one though, whether it's about beer, or marriage, or whatever.
I think a lot of that plays into the judgement thing that you eluded to.
Judgement comes from control. And it is one area that I would like for you to recognize. I'm not saying that you are, although I can see certain aspects of that.
Control is a BIG issue with the WAS, and I haven't met too many LBS that haven't heard that. Learning about control, and how it plays out will be an eye opener for you.
One of the BIGGEST forms of control......is criticism...
I'm sorry it took so long to get back to you. It was partly due to not having power for 4 days, and partly because I wasn't sure if it was my turn yet....lol
I wasn't sure if you were still pondering some of the questions from above....
