If She Won't Stop the Affair?

[25yearsmlc]

Very sorry you are here. But it's a good place to be, for a painful reason.

To me it is clear you have NOT read the books that form the basis of this appraoch to marriage problems. You have to do that asap b/c you are making a lot of rookie mistakes (no offense. We have all been there). See below...

But get the Div Busting book OR the Div Remedy book and read it NOW and THEN Come back and post here so you'll maximize the use of this board,

and for now around your wife, back way way off,

I'll post some newbie rules for you later but get the book! THE first chapter of one of them is around here online...good luck

I'm at a crossroads I never thought I would come to in my life.  My wife is in a physical and emotional affair with a co-worker.  She has said she will not stop seeing him, but she is not sure about a future with him.  

Stop asking her anything about OM and stop challenging her choices.

The more you do that the more you force her to defend her choices instead of examining them.

She wants me to stay until she is sure she know what she wants.  I almost started the divorce process, but could not go through with it as I don't feel ready.  

Read the books and stop talking about divorce or filing. If you need to see a lawyer to know your rights, so be it. I get that big time. But you need DO NOTHING at the moment.

Back off...


She is still in a torrid affair with him, and I don't know what to do as we have two children.  This is the hardest point in my life.

I should go back and explain our situation.  WW and I were married 14 years ago.  We were in love and had 2 children in that time.  I got layed off five years ago and had to work longer hours.  She and I fought more often and dos not get along as well, but we were happy a lot of times as well.

    Then last year, she had to move her work location to a two hour commute.  She would have to get up at 5 am to make her car pool and felt she might have to quit her job.  She became very depressed and would stay in bed late.  I would keep the kids busy and hold her, telling her there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

This year, she finally perked up.  She got used to the commute and became very happy.  She was able to work from home three days a week.  She would chatter incessantly every day she was home.  After a while she appeared too happy.

I started to get worried.  I asked her about drugs, but she claimed it was her new vitamins.  

then you know the affair is like a drug; it's intoxicating to her. Don't argue with her about it. It's like telling an addict that being high is wrong...have ANY of them quit b/c someone else said to? NOT MANY...but affairs do wear off...and if she's smart enough to already know there isn't a big future with him you may need to back off and let this run its course

while you work on YOU - b/c you are all you control in this. STop worrying and obsessing about her or what SHE is doing/saying/thinking.

If you read the Div books that form this site's focus, you'll learn some strategies to help you improve as a partner to become the man you were meant to be, a man only a fool would leave.

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When I was running the phone bill, I noticed a lot of calls to a coworker.  She claimed they were working on an important project.

Then came her conference to Florida.  She was chosen to go for a week.  I asked if her coworker was going as well, but she said he could not make it.  So I watched the kids while she went to the conference.

When she got back, she was calling the OM every day.  She was coming home late.  I caught her on the phone with him that Wednesday and she tried to hide it.  Finally, on Friday, I checked her e-mail.  It was D-day, 5/18/2012.  They had been together on multiple dates and they planned on the conference.  He bought his own tickets and flew there.  She loved the view from thier balcony.  I was devastated.

That night I confronted her.

why? If you knew, then what was the point of confronting? You want to "Win her back" right? Then stop harassing her and pleading, and obsessing and just

be the better choice.

 She denied, then confirmed an emotional affair.  She denied a physical one.

Over the next six weeks it was crazy time.  I checked her phone and hired detectives.  I uncovered the physical affair.  We went to marriage counseling together.  At one point it appeared they would end it, but she came back to him.  At our forth MC, I asked if she would agree to NC.  She said no.


STOP FORCING THE ISSUE>..you've barely been here 2 months...

I then set up mediation to start the S.    She asked me to cancel it, that we did not need to.  I went back and forth, and in the end I could not do it.  I cancelled the night before.

It seemed to help at first.  She told the OM that they had no future.  He sent her sweet nothings, she melted again and now will keep seeing him.

If I wait, is there any hope?  Can I 180 her, or must we be in R?  I don't want a D, but I don't think I can do this for long.  I think her heart is gone.

Slow down and take a lot of slow breaths. She is confused.

Your focus needs to be on YOUR own work and what role you had in this, which you do NOT need to discuss at this time. Do NOT bring up the marriage at all right now.

Figure out what you want from this day forward. Is there really a light at the end of the tunnel for you two financially? What do you think your wife would say is wrong with the marriage or you?

IF any of it is valid, work on it. Counter her negatives with positives.
Dig deep and make some real changes in your life so she can believe in them.

For her to come back home for good, she has to believe ONE thing -

that marriage to you can be better/different than before.

Show her that it can be, with the changes YOU Make. Not words!

And please do yourself a huge favor and read the Div Remedy book asap.

Most of us who do reconcile, take a lot longer than a few months to do so. But we tend to last longer too.

Hang in there.