This sad story started for me about 6 years ago. Shortly after my step-daughter left for college, my then H started pulling away and eventually dropped the bomb and moved out. After that, I came here and tried my best to DB. Sometime after my H moved out, he started coming around again however he couldn’t really make up his mind if he was coming or going. I always believed that he loved me but eventually got frustrated waiting for him to recommit to the marriage so I pushed for a D. My H, who is an attorney, filed the papers with a stipulated judgement so we didn’t have to do anything other than wait the 6 months...however, he kept telling me we could stop it if we want to. He apparently didn’t stop it so the divorce went through even though we stayed together. We still kept 2 places but most nights we were together. So, we have been divorced now for 1 ½ years. At first after the D, he seemed to really try to reconnect with me, he was very loving and sweet…but still most everything had to be on his terms. He said he still needed his space at times and he wanted to do what he wanted to do without question. I have done a lot help him out over the years but he never really reciprocated much and it appears he never really appreciated much. He could be very generous in a few ways but extremely selfish in all others. If I ever expressed my displeasure about something, he would latch on to it and use it against me when it was convienient. He would ignore me on the rare occasion when I would discuss my feeling about the relationship and wanting more of a committment. Recently, I sensed him pulling away again. I tried to let him know as nicely as possible that I wasn’t feeling happy with the way things were between us and that only seemed to make things worse. He told me I was needy and difficult. One night a few weeks ago when he was at his place and I was at mine, I let him know I was feeling depressed (mostly because my son recently left for the military and now I am an empty-nester). He replied that sometimes life is boring. The next morning, I thought he might call to check on me but he didn’t so I called him. He acted annoyed that I called him and during the conversation I got so hurt, I lost it and told him I wasn’t sure if I wanted him in my life anymore then I said goodbye and hung up. We have had very limited contact since and only initiated by me. When we have talked, the conversations have not gone very well…I’ve felt like we were back to where we were when he left me all those years ago. He has said some mean and hurtful things to me, even said he sees the bad things about me.
It has been a few weeks now since he “left me” for the second time. I’m still trying to process all of my feelings…relief, anger, hurt, stupidity etc. I am so confused…I was the one who wasn’t happy…he had everything his way and I went along with it. He couldn’t even be here for me when I was sad or hurting. Most of the time now, I don’t really even miss him that much and I am ready to move on…but for some reason, it still hurts. I just keep telling myself I deserve so much better and I do deserve so much better. I am not saying I am perfect and I certainly haven’t handled everthing perfectly but this time around, I know where most of the blame lies. I tried my hardest to make him happy but it would never be good enough because he isn’t happy with himself. I know I wouldn’t have been able to go on like this forever so this is the inevitable. I had been feeling very lonely even when I was with him…it wasn’t a real partnership. This man is now so emotionally defective, he isn’t capable of emotional intimacy…however, I must still love him somehow because it hurts so much to think he doesn’t or just can’t let himself care about me.
I can no longer DB. I had thought that things would eventually change for the better and he would become more like his old self…not the case. I tried so hard and I can not give this man anymore of myself because what I gave him was never good enough. I can not take him back again because he will only continue to hurt me. I need to move on and not look back.
