Swimming with certain Turtles

[zig]

i think i get it labug - but i'm still not sure about who the irritated one is. in a way it doesn't matter...

journaling
i feel i had a really rough day - not even sure what was going on, but i'm left with the feeling that i simply don't know how to interact with h and my brother.

they've both made me feel as if i did something wrong, and i can't quite put my finger on it. i talked to my sweet friend about the interactions with my brother and halfway through she got really upset and said it makes me crazy angry to hear what he's saying to you.

just finished this long interaction with h on the phone - wasn't very positive - first time we've attempted to deal with a financial issue that is quite sensitive. i had to get off the phone for about 10 mins, to get myself to a better place.

the same type of interaction i had with my brother earlier, started and i was like - no not twice in the same day, i won't get pulled into this.

when i called back it was a bit better and we finished the discussion with h asking me specifically to do the work. it seems as if he simply does not want to deal with anything directly. after that we both spoke at the same time - him - you're mad at me" me - "you seem a bit upset"

he didn't hear my question, so i said no i'm not mad, i just asked you at the same time if you were a bit upset. he immediately chilled out a bit, and said that this was too much and he was just really really tired. i didn't volunteer that i myself was really exhausted - just stayed quiet and let him deal with it.

then he abruptly said i've got to get off the phone as if he was overwhelmed.

so i am very tired today - i can see that there is something in the interactions between me and these two people that makes me feel really insecure. when i took the break in the phone call with h - i first sat there, ready to feel helpless and then i stopped myself and said 'zig - there is nothing wrong with what you are doing and don't let him make you feel bad because he is in an uncomfortable place. stand your ground stick to the point and don't let him take this detail as an opportunity to create a really negative interaction - because he doesn't want to deal with the reality of this and he's uncomfortable"

so i am improving in the way i see myself and moving in a more healthy direction. my friend helped me to see that i don't need to be railroaded by h or my brother. while talking to her i realized that it often happens and then in spite of that i forgive them and all i want to do is be nice and i am.

it's hard to be audacious when one is being railroaded - hmm - just occurred to me - maybe that's what i should aim for - definitely a step up from where i've been

s comes back tomorrow morning- so it will be wonderful to have him around - suddenly feel it's been a long week without him.

zig