I don't think walking away was enforcing your boundary because you didn't make it clear to H why you were walking away.
He knew why I was walking away. I didn't say he was an idiot.
Originally Posted By: Adinva
He sounds like a big goofball. He snores and eats everything in sight, can't do fix-it projects but tries anyway, attends counseling and really wants to get better and just can't get it right. Even though we only hear your side of things, CV, the sense I get is that more of the people who read you sympathize with him. Why is that?
I don't know, perhaps you could tell me? But it reminds me of "Everybody Loves Raymond." Just not as funny.
Originally Posted By: Adinva
I have noticed you're extremely smart. You back up your opinions with examples, and you really seem to have given this a lot of thought and effort. Yet you come across as unpleasable, inflexible, and a bit mean. Why is that?
Because I'm the WAS. I might just be all those things. I think maybe I've just been trying for too long. Like I said, we've done counseling the better part of our M, with several good counselors. We've done books, seminars, weekends away. We've discussed things between the two of us for countless hours. I really feel like I've done it all. I am every one of your WAS's that just decided they couldn't deal anymore. I suspect a lot of what I'm saying is things other people have had said to them by their WAS.
I get that I'm in the wrong forum, but I knew I wasn't looking for people to back me up and tell me to D him. I can already get that from my BFF/mutual friend that knows both of us intimately (er, in a healthy way.) She tells me she doesn't know how I do it, says she would have killed him long ago, calls me about stuff that he does to her. But I wanted to be among people that wanted to save their M's, people with ideas of what would work.
I tried. I'm happy with that. I wasn't expecting a miracle.
Originally Posted By: Adinva
You and H have a fundamental disagreement. He thinks he is fine and you think he is unacceptable.
I agree. But I would add that I'm also tired. I could do what you suggested with the fan. I HAVE done that. But I would have to be willing to commit to doing it every single time we had a discussion, and I just don't have it in me. M shouldn't be THIS hard. It's easier to let him be as he is and me just walk away.
I heard a saying once that said, "It's easier to drag a person downhill than it is to drag a person uphill." I'm too tired to carry the R. I'm not sure I really even have the desire anymore.
Quote:
What makes your side so unsympathetic, to me, is that you rigidly stand by your opinion as though it is fact, even when your H doesn't agree. The fan is an example. It's going to flatout ruin your idea of the deck because you're so set on some other kind of fan. You don't want to shop because the deck's no good for three months but H is trying to implement something to make it usable now. You just seem unwilling to look at him as anything but completely, obviously, totally wrong. At least in the examples you gave.
You can see it that way if you'd like. It isn't that way, but I'm not sure it's worth explaining. Does it matter that the deck will be done in about 2 weeks, but the fan can't legally be installed for 3 months because of building permits? Does it matter that he has completely bailed on the expense of the deck because he can't afford it, but then wants to purchase a fan 3 times the amount of money I budgeted? Does it make any difference that when we were picking the ceiling boards, that all he had to say was he didn't like it and I would move on to the next option? Does it matter that he was completely fine with the discussion about the fan because I did it in a pleasant, friendly, joking manner? It's the reason I don't like to give specific examples, because you can't possibly know all the intricate details. The fact that you're inserting the details that you are says more about your perspective than mine.
H knows where I stand. He knows my plan. If nothing is done in the next 6 years, we share the burden equally. I'm no worse because I choose to do nothing just like him.
I'm feeling like my time here has run its course. Most everyone has been absolutely wonderful and I can't express how much I appreciate the time and effort spent on my threads. I'll take away a few words of wisdom and apply as I have the energy. And I'll still check on a few posters that I feel I've come to know. But when this thread locks, I think that will be it for me. I've consumed far too much time on this board with my sitch and need to wrap it up.
I wish all of you the best in your own sitch's and thanks again for stopping in.
