your mind set is a huge factor in this process. Not only this process but in life in general. Negativity breeds negative.
If you have an Iphone, down load the inspiration app and the suucess app.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
So Gritter, how long is this journey? What do I have to look forward to? Where should I focus my attention now? Any suggestions?
If you are comitted to the process of always being better?
It never ends until they chuck clay on you my friend.
You should focus your attention away from your W.
Missing her. Her choice not to be with you. What she is doing what she isn't doing.
This is a process and if you give up in the middle you won't reach your goal.
Your goal?
Maybe you are realizing you aren't getting what you wanted when you got here which is for your W to come back and work on your M.
Well that isn't up to you. There is no magic trick here.
If it was guaranteed then there would be a whole lot more people signing up here.
What you do have is an opportunity to use the tools and advice given on this forum to turn adversity and tragedy into a catalyst for change in your life.
When you do, you take responsibility for your own happiness.
You stop laying it at the feet of your W.
Then you can focus on being the best person you desire to be.
Then maybe, just maybe, she will see that guy and decide to be with him.
Then it will be up to you to see if she is someone a man like you will consider letting back into his life.
My thread is in MLC. We are divorced as of 12/29/11. My W had a childhood trauma that became a very distructive force as it came home to roost in her adult life. My tread is long and spans over two years since I signed on here.
There is a point that everyone who comes here must face:
When you don't get what you came here for (your spouse back) then what?
What is the worth in keeping the faith?
THAT is a question I can't answer for you. I can only tell that my choice to stand beyond that apparent reality was the best choice I ever made in my life.
But you have to decide for you.
If you are done then you would not be asking me these questions.
Don't you want to find your own answers?
That only comes from deciding for you and not because somone says that don't want what you want.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
What you do have is an opportunity to use the tools and advice given on this forum to turn adversity and tragedy into a catalyst for change in your life.
When you do, you take responsibility for your own happiness.
You stop laying it at the feet of your W.
Then you can focus on being the best person you desire to be.
Then maybe, just maybe, she will see that guy and decide to be with him.
Then it will be up to you to see if she is someone a man like you will consider letting back into his life.
Great Post Grit.
PW- I urge you to not waste this opportuinity. Don't give up now. Dig deep. You will not regret it. We are here with you and for you.
I can only tell that my choice to stand beyond that apparent reality was the best choice I ever made in my life.
I can validate this, the personal growth and knowledge I have gained from this experience is priceless, and not just in the R arena, but has flowed into dealing with EVERYone...at work, the store, the kids, my parents...and life itself is no longer negative, scary or a chore to just get through (though there are those times, they pass quickly).
You mentioned working on your negativity...I hear ya...my career has trained me well to anticipate what COULD go wrong...works great at work and for engineering...but personal relationships...eh, not so much...so you have chosen a great thing to improve about YOU, which I believe will pay off in ALL areas of life...
I had/have a laundry list of things to work on improving, what works for me is to make the list, prioritize one or two and focus on those til I knock 'em down into a new habit, then go pick a couple more and so forth...for me, trying to work on them all at once was just too overwhelming and...depressing.
You will do it!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
W came over with S for steaks. Then she invited me over to her place to play at the pool with S and watch the fireworks show from her balcony afterwards.
I had a good time playing with S. I am glad we were able to spend the day together.
I wanted to grab W in a familiar way a few times as she looked great. But I restrained myself.
S asked me to stay over because it was late and he didn't want me to die in a "disasterous crash" (where do they get this stuff?) I said thanks buddy but I should get back so I will be ready to go to work tomorrow. And with that I left.
I'm proud of myself for keeping it "professional" with W (for lack of a better term).
I wanted to text after leaving to tell her how great she looked and what a good time I had.
I didn't.
One of her complaints was that I didn't compliment her anymore. When we were dating and on up into our marriage I flattered her regularly. Somewhere along the line I quit. I thought about making that a 180 but I don't think it's time for that 180 yet.
I'm still faking it till I make it in regards to moving on. Compliments could be perceived as persuit. I think?
I don't know why but I couldn't sleep at all last night. For some reason I find myself feeling the pain of heartbreak again. Perhaps it was seeing her new place for the first time. IDK. I'll get over it. Just wasn't expecting to feel this way.
It could be the four bottles of wine I saw in the fridge. Or the bell on the counter that says ring me for a drink. It makes my mind swim. This woman never stepped foot in a liquor store while we were together. Also her house was messy. She was a neat freak. Who knows.
"One of her complaints was that I didn't compliment her anymore. When we were dating and on up into our marriage I flattered her regularly. Somewhere along the line I quit. I thought about making that a 180 but I don't think it's time for that 180 yet".
I would try one small compliment and see how she reacts. If she bats her eyes...well.. u do it again. It's not a perfect science buddy. Try something if it's an epic fail u stop. Trial and error. The trick is to not come on as persuing or very strong.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
A lot of LBSs get stuck in that guilt over taking all of the blame for things. That guilt paralyzes the LBS into trying to fix, or think their way out of this.
Not gonna happen if your goal is to change the thinking of another person...
When a WAS walks, it is not a decision that they have taken lightly. I can't imagine the guilt that THEY feel over their choices. The blame shift, often relieves thier guilt for a while. Sometimes the WAS will take that look inward, and decide to be honest with themselves, sometimes they do not. The ones that are honest, will own their share of the breakdown.
IF...they decide to look back, there has to be something to see...NOT HEAR. IF they look back and see the same old same old, then there really isn't anything different. IF they decide to look back and see a different person, then that is what will intrigue them. But those things HAVE to be real. I can assure you that a WAS will sniff out fake changes, like a drug dog on a Cheech and Chong movie set.
What does detaching mean to you ?
To me, it meant loving my spouse enough to honor her choices. It didn't mean that I had to like them, but I honered them. It meant that I loved her enough to step back and find her own way through this. It meant taking the time to "own" the things that were real for me, and letting her think whatever she needed to think.
It meant taking a step forward for my life , while I respected her quest to do the same thing.
Detaching for me was when I started making choices...not to induce a reaction, but regardless the reaction.
I started acting and making rational decisions instead fo emotional ones.
With detaching, there came an internal peace over me. That regardless the outcome...I was in a much better place. I knew "my" truth, and until our truths started matching up, there was little I could do except learn from my mistakes, and strive to make better choices everyday.
First....
If you feel like she is the one, then why not really make a stand ? Do what works. DB101 bro....
That is your fix for her problems. IF she would just come back, we could fix this.
It is not what she feels or thinks. You should really try to honor her choices there, regardless of how you feel things could be different.
2- Whatever you imagine happening in that house. You really don't know the whole truth. What you imagine, would actually be a whole lot different than what your mind is telling you it is.
Once again, we go back to honoring her choice. You don't have to like them, but fighting that, will keep you right where you are right now. Stuck in your own head.
Where is the focus of your attention ?
How about some concrete goals that are for you, and only you. Some things that you CAN control ????
Anytime you place a goal on another person, we usually find our selves willing to seel out our character to acheive those. We attempt to control, manipulate, whatever needs to happen....right ?
Your goals should be for you. With your goals in line with the ultimate goal of being the better option if she were to look back.....
Once you can change your focus, your goals will follow
How about....
My bottom line goal is for me to be happy as possible whether it is together M or together as friends or something entirely different. and if she chooses to look my way again, I will be ready for that. IF she doesn't, then I will be ready for that too.
Quote:
Someone remind me why we fight so hard and endure so much pain for someone who does not want to be with us?
For better or worse....NOT for better, or until things become tough and I choose to bail out.
Detaching doesn't mean she can't come home down the road. It means that you never left. You just became a man that made much better choices for himself.
I found this from Mach1 on sayitaintso's 1st thread. I needed it so I brought it over here for focus and inspiration.
Hey things aren't bad. We are talking. Very friendly and respectful.
I have not had any interaction that I regret my actions in quite some time. My head goes bezerk, but I keep it in there. Now I've got to kick the craziness out. Pronto.
She invited me over. A goal I didn't write down in my journal but it was definitely a goal.
She excused herself for a few moments after swimming to change and applied some make-up while she was at it.
She has dressed rather frumpy during our contact lately, but was well put together yesterday.
