Wife of 7-Years is Divorcing Me, but Yet Not pt. 9

[25yearsmlc]

I'm sorry but a 3 1/2 year old needs a mother, too, IMO. I don't understand how she can leave him, either.

JUST addressing this comment and the whole motherhood thing, for now...I am married to a physician and we married in college. I have seen what it takes to get into medical school and then to try and get the residency/speciality you want (If you want ALL specialities taught in all states, tell Congress b/c for some reason THEY decide this..)

Most candidates spend 4 years in college and have to do well with their GPA in a tough major (no joke majors), AND score well on their MCAT.THEN they go to medical school and compared to veterinary school, which my h had done, and compared to law school, which I did, med school is the most time consuming. Period. THEN you do your internship which begins your residency.

That is an 8 year path she has completed to be able to choose the residency she wanted and

Alamo married her, knowing she had an 8 year path to this.

She has achieved a goal very very few people achieve, despite all that has gone on between them.

Saying she is a lousy mother b/c she won't just give up her residency (and for which she probably owes 6 figures in school loans) is a tad too black & white for me. (She may be a lousy mom, but that isn't why)

Alamo, can she DEFER her residency? IF so, what does she do while it's deferred so she doesn't lose the skills she JUST gained? It's so easy to lose your edge.

Is there an internship in general or family medicine there where you are now? Is she open to switching fields if she has to? Almost a third do.

Those are options she may have that do not require her to drop it all and declare bankruptcy.

In case anyone has noticed, SHE was to be the main bread winner here so it's not in everyone's interest to drop all financial matters b/c we think she's a lousy mother to want a career...


With the hours she will be working (despite her claims to the contrary, I see residents working "overtime" all the time. it's not all that much "gentler" today than it was a decade ago). I think it's possible E- will be better off with you anyhow.

The idea that "BECAUSE SHE IS HIS MOTHER it's best for E to be with her" sort of ignores the

criminal/pathological lies she has told,

the nuclear weapons she has launched at the father of her son,

AND her brazen & deceitful attempts to rob them of each other. That is not a mother their son must have around all the time. Maybe she needs to get well.

On one hand, I cannot imagine even Alamo wanting his wife to stop the medical career AND THEN pay off med school loans.

(My h owed $175k so as much as I detested his unrelenting hours, I could hardly tell him to just quit to "prove his love/commitment". It just wasn't realistic or mature).

Just telling her to quit b/c she's a mother, isn't as cut & dried as some suggest.

Alamo, I'm glad the legal issues went in your favor. btw, OF COURSE she has to pay for the lying. She's damn lucky you didn't sue her for alienation, defamation and libel and more if I spend time thinking about it!! .



But please, Don't assume she'll hit rock bottom AND THAT it will translate into her wanting to reconcile...

It's ingrained in her to lash out when she hits rock bottom.

For all I know, some day soon, your brakes won't work, or she'll say you raped her...

As terrible as that sounds, I am warning you. While I actually feel sorry for her b/c I know how hard she worked and how damaged and hurt she was by your actions IN the marriage-truly I hear you when you recount your marital history and there is real pain in her--

but I gotta stand by you b/c you're the DBer who is really trying AND she just went way too far with those allegations.

In my world, those are not words you merely apologize for or "take back."

"Them's fightin' words" and if you use them & YOU LOSE...YOU LOSE, period.

You Alamo, must realize she is free to renew her allegations unless she put in writing that it wasn't true, which I seriously doubt she did.

What "proof" is there that you are innocent? ANYTHING in writing?


She did something few people are bad/angry/scared enough to do and it was so very wrong. If anything is unforgivable, this is Pretty close to it.


You can speak to her privately BUT I'd want all conversations witnessed w/someone in sight of you two. You are on notice that she's armed and dangerous. And you my friend, are stuck holding onto a past that has been gone a long time.

Time apart MAY help you. More of this yo yo stuff won't.

Also to be clear, you need to BE CLEAR. I don't know what your boundaries are.

You mention possibilities, and goals in vague terms but I don't know what you want, other than a vague "happy ending".

What would that realistically look like? Are you willing to move to South Carolina? IF so, how? Does SHE know how? IF not, have you told her?

Could you maintain custody here, and then in a year consider a move there, and share visitation? NOT necessarily to reconcile but to have shared custody and build on that type of r?

I hope in time you'll Have a specific goal, please.

Be mindful if you move there, without a decree from your present state, she can take you to court there...and begin all over again with her increased income...

Maybe give it a year apart with you having him and then see if YOU WANT to move there to let son be with his mom more and to see how you two get along without her family there and with your progress continuing...

but be specific and clear. The boundaries you speak of are blurry to me.

Can you explain?

And I would NOT TRUST an attempted reconciliation now, after her outreach and withdrawal so close together and so recent. She's "sorry IF you got the impression" that she'd want a reconciliation...wow, makes you want to video all interactions with her (hey, not a bad idea... )

She has a long way to go to forgive and let go. Truly, maybe being away from her family AND having an upbeat r with you on the phone, and during her own visits with son, will help.

If you manage this well, I don't see how things won't improve. She'd see you raising your son, paying your own way with your new job, and being the man she fell in love with.

MAYBE, MAYBE then you can talk about moving there but with what she has launched against you

I would not even dream of it for at least a year...

Congrats on the court events. I'll keep praying for you and yours.