When it's a one-way street...part 7

[scaredsilly]

[/quote] Yesterday, we took S to a movie. Afterwards, we stopped by Home Depot to get a few things. H wants to look at ceiling fans for the deck (he's obsessed, we can't use it for 3 months.)
he likes to plan ahead and is excited about the project.

He could have gone to look at them himself while I shopped some other things, but he insisted that I go with him. "Come on, come on, well just look."

your first boundary should have been here.

H: What about this one? (huge, 58" fan)
CV: It's too big.

you just invalidated his choice.

H: No it's not. (then why did you ask me?)

because you took a negative approach to his choice. you could have said something a little less confrontational, i.e., i don't know...what do you think? do you think it may be too big?

CV: Look, see this picture on the box? It shows that we would need to drop it more than 48" inches to clear the ceiling.

(look, see, i'm smarter than you, can't you see this picture, i told you so.)


H: No we wouldn't. That shows it mounted on a slanted ceiling. We'll be mounting it at the peak.

(he needs to defend himself and his choice)
CV: Right, which means we have two slanted ceilings to consider (vaulted ceiling.)

(you're so f'ing stupid. why do i have to keep telling you the obvious?)

H: (pause) Oh. Well I still think it would work! We have that much clearance.

(he has to prove you wrong. you have to prove him wrong.)


CV: You can keep looking, I'm going to lawn and garden. (and walked off)

what you should have done in the beginning so you wouldn't have had resentment.


Later when we got home, when I was out on the deck, he measured the ceiling and showed me that it would come just below the side beams.

H: See, it would drop to about here.

(see, i'm right.)

CV: I know, that's too low.
(no, i'm right.)

H: No it's not.

(no, you're not)

CV: Whatever.

(F--k you)

H: Just think how much air it would move! We could sit out here.... (blah-blah)

(i'm really excited about this fan. i can't wait to experience the benefits.)

I feel like the bad guy all the time. He wants me to be happy with what he's happy with, but if I'm not, he has this look like I'm raining on his parade. I'm not entitled to have a different opinion.

and YOU want him to be happy with what you're happy with and he's not entitled to have a different opinion.

So yesterday I tried to engage, but it does not make me feel good to look back on. Personally, I would have felt better if I had declined and went my own way in the first place. Sorry. [/quote]

and you should have instead of then feeling the resentment of going along.