My point is, you said you couldn't care less about the fan. So why don't you respond in that manner? Not flippantly but graciously leaving it up to him.
Why have this struggle if you really don't care?
Scared, I was trying to get off of the details again. I DO care about the fan. I'm spending one heck of a lot of time and money on this deck for H to stick some obnoxious fan on it. When I said I didn't care, I was speaking to KD about the point I was trying to make, that it didn't have anything to do with the fan or about what process H has to go through to figure out his idea won't work. What you're suggesting, I do. All. The. Time. There are many times that I do exactly what you're suggesting when I only mildly care about something, because I care more about avoiding the exchange with H than getting some thing I only sort of care about besides. Where to eat, what to eat, when to eat, what movie to rent, how many movies to rent, what he wears, what time his kids come over, what to do with them when they come over, should we give them gifts, what to get them for gifts, how much to spend on the gifts, when to give them gifts, which car to take, whether now is a good time to fill the gas tank, which gas station to go to, what kind of gas to put in, should we bring the dog, should we bring s, should we stop and get milk, what are we doing tomorrow, what are we doing this weekend, what are we doing for vacation, what are we doing for Christmas, etc. In fact, I've started saying, "Whatever you want, dear" so much, H is getting aggravated by it.
In fact, the ONLY time I offer an opinion anymore is when I really care or have a personal vested interest.
Now, can you answer my question? What do you suggest I do when I DO care about something.
Originally Posted By: Accuray
If you make your opinions or desires known, in whatever way that happens, H will either refute your views on the spot, or disregard them later.
In short, whatever you say or request just doesn't seem to matter to H in the details, and that makes you feel disrespected and disregarded.
Yes.
Originally Posted By: Accuray
It does seem to me like there are a ton of things about H that bother you, but that if you felt respected and listened to, I would bet many of them would become non-issues
Or better said, the fact that he doesn't respect and listen to me are the only problems, and all the other things are just manifestations of that.
Originally Posted By: Accuray
WRT the fan example, here's a suggestion -- you got into an argument about technical details. What would happen if you said "I don't like that fan, there's just something about it I don't like." How is he going to argue with that? You're not telling him *what* you don't like, only that you don't like it. Then, look at the fans yourself, and suggest some alternatives, and let him select from your choices.
If he keeps pushing you about *why* you don't like it, just say "I don't know, why does it matter? You can't convince me that I DO like it, I just don't"
What would happen in a scenario like that, where you didn't give him any details to argue about, and engaged in suggesting alternatives?
I used to do that. That's why I developed the approach of telling why I don't like something, because my opinion held no validity whatsoever. My opinion can be argued against and disqualified. Facts are external to me have and some inherent value.
Quote:
I was interested as well that you referenced a parallel to my sitch. I've been thinking about that for two days -- what do you think the parallel is?
Accuray, I believe your reference is to: "he's got a great attitude, a very positive and empathetic approach to his W's shortcomings. But...." I meant that although you're interacting in a very positive way, doing everything that you can regarding understanding and accommodating your W's shortcomings, I think you're not happy. I know you want more. I'm not sure that you're sure it's enough, long term.
