When it's a one-way street...part 7

[Accuray]

I get that Scaredsilly, if she truly didn't care about the fan, she wouldn't have offered any comment at all -- so she at least cared a little -- but I don't think the fan is the issue.

The example I saw highlighted here was that:

1) She didn't think they needed to buy a fan *yet*, but H insisted they go to Home Depot anyway -- CV is disregarded

2) She tells H the fan is too big / won't fit / whatever, and H doesn't engage in a discussion with her, just insists he's right -- CV is disregarded

3) They get home and H measures out the mounting area to prove to CV that the fan WILL fit. CV says that according to his measurements, the fan will have to be hung too low. H says "no it won't, that's not too low" -- CV is disregarded

I think we can argue all day that the fact that they're doing the deck project together is a good thing, the fact that H wanted CV to come to Home Depot with him is a good thing, the fact that H did not buy the fan on the spot is a good thing and at least went home to measure first, the fact that H bothered to tell CV that the fan WOULD fit before just going back to buy it is a good thing, etc. etc. etc. There's a lot of silver lining here, but to me the example of what CV thinks is wrong with her marriage is the triple-disregard up above.

I would imagine that if your opinion is asked and then constantly dismissed that's going to get on anyone's nerves.

I think the only two ways out of that are:

A) You teach yourself to care less by changing your perception and focus

and/or

B) You dig in harder and do not ALLOW yourself to be disregarded -- in effect you make your marriage WORSE in the short term to make it better in the long term. That's boundary setting and enforcement which has been discussed on this thread before. To do this, you have to be ready to take it up a notch and make a scene, and be comfortable with finding your own way home. It might mean making some irrational short-term decisions. i.e. if H buys you a van without rear A/C, you sell it and go buy a car yourself, if you take a loss you don't worry about it. If you tell H not to install a fan you don't like and he does it anyway, you hire an electrician to take it down and dispose of it. It gets worse, but when he sees that you're serious and what the consequences are, then it gets better.

Accuray