LRT - Checking Progress

[LostIn407]

I know. I don't see the OM as a threat alone. I am better than him. What the threat is right now is the mother of OM. She has my W's ear. Who knows what she is advising the W to do. And her spending time with the mother means she is spending time around OM.

I went crazy last night thinking she was with OM because she had dinner with the mother. Tonight W told me she was back at her apartment working out at the gym at 10pm, so she wasn't with him.

I am not in any position to say that I don't want her to talk to the mother. I just have to stay the course which is being me. The person my W fell in love with. I think I am doing good here.

We had our first dance lesson tonight and I think I did a great job. W agreed. Dancing is a 180 for me as I was always too scared to dance.

Must go back to detachment and not caring what she does when we are not together.

[LostIn407]

So very confused. I don't know if I am doing good or screwing up.

Monday
We did our dance class. Lots of fun. Driving her home, she mentions she needs to get home because she has plans. Whatever. I don't ask about her plans, but inside it is tearing me up.

Tuesday
She texts me if I want to come over that night to practice (our dance instructor said we needed to practice for at least 20 mins so it stays fresh). It is my night without the Ds. I ask her when she wants to do it because I have things I need to do. She texts back we don't have to practice, its no big deal. I tell her I can do it, just later in the night. She says that is fine.

I go to her place and we practice a bit. Our Ds think it is the funniest thing. I end up staying for a while. We watch a movie and then a tv show. I play with her hair during the show, something she used to ask me to do in the past. She says I can stay the night, but have to sleep on the couch. I decline that offer saying I have to get home to finish some things. We make plans for the 4th and I tell her I will be over in the morning.

Wednesday
It looks like rain so we scrap our plans to goto the beach with the Ds. I take the Ds and tell my W to enjoy the free time and we can meet up later for dinner and watch fireworks.

She calls me later to tell me she slept the entire time since I left. I invite her to a movie before dinner. She seems cold during the movie. Doesn't want to hold my hand, something we have been doing. Just seems 'off'.

She comes over after the movie and we have dinner/wine. We practice some more which she really seems to enjoy. Neighbors up and down the street are lighting fireworks so we decide to just sit in the driveway and watch while the kids play.

As the night goes on, she is more receptive to physical contact.



It seems like the more time we spend together, the closer we get. It always starts slow but usually ends up with flirting and some contact.

This weekend we are going away together. It will be the first time we are sharing a bed in over two months. I am not expecting/anticipating anything sexual. All of our meetups in the past month have been in short time periods, usually just a few hours. This is going to be a long time together.

I am scared I am going to screw up this weekend. Any advice to keep me from doing that? I can't take her on a trip and be distant, but I don't want to rush into being too close.

I think this trip will be really good for us. I don't want to get my hopes up because that can lead to bad things, but damn if my hopes aren't sky high right now.

[jks]

IMO you guys are moving back into things too fast. She hasn't even told you whether OM is out of the picture and she still hangs out with his mom? I would not be comfortable with that situation at all. Spending time with your spouse with all of those questions looming in the background is putting yourself in a REALLY difficult situation. Especially going out of town together because now you don't really have a way to escape and take a time out for yourself if things get bad.

I don't know that I have advice, I just don't think I would have put myself in this situation in the first place until my spouse was showing me that they absolutely were ready to reconcile and start working on the M. You stated earlier that you didn't even know if you were wanting to work on the M. What did you mean by that? You seem like you really want her in your life? What is it that you really want?

[LostIn407]

"You stated earlier that you didn't even know if you were wanting to work on the M. What did you mean by that? You seem like you really want her in your life? What is it that you really want?"

Confuses me too. She will be in my life regardless for the next few decades as she is the mother of my Ds. I would at least like to be friends.

Regarding working on the M, I don't think I am at that point right now. I think it would lead to disaster at this point. There are too many things we haven't resolved. I am a trusting person, to a fault. I trusted my wife 110% and she cheated. She has apologized for it, but the trust isn't back. When we aren't together, my mind wanders into bad areas thinking about what she is doing.

Can I say 100% she isn't doing things I don't agree with? No. Therefore, I will not start working on or discussing the M. We are working on being truthful with each other right now. She isn't hiding things from me.

What I am doing now is probably pretty dangerous. I am spending time with the W. We are basically dating. We have lunch together. We go on dates. We spend a lot of time together. Are we physical? No. Maybe some hand holding, small kisses. The biggest gain has been the time we spend together and the depth of our conversations.

I will say that I think the relationship I have with my W right now is better than the last year. I think the last year was basically just going through the motions. We didn't spend time together. We didn't talk about anything other than the kids. We had no goals or plans for the future. We barely slept in the same bed. We stressed over finances. Just two ships passing in the night.

Today, we make plans together. We are putting the focus on our happiness and not just the kids. We actually talk about things. Money isn't an issue.

When this happened, I got the standard responses: ILYBNILWY, she was no longer attracted to me, etc. Maybe the W still feels this way. Maybe she doesn't. She is hesitant to move past our current displays of affection. Will this change? I hope. But if not, I know I can move on.

As far as filing for D, it isn't in my mind at all. I doubt my W is considering it. It has never really been a topic except for when I was at my lowest point.

When this first happened, I didn't know right from left. I don't have the direct path to my destination, but I am confident my ship is pointed in the right direction and I am in control of the boat again.

[chatterbug]

Do not let her back in when the OM is in the picture. You will waste time. She will pull away again. And you will spin and spin.

Give her the chance to earn your love and trust.

This weekend. Lead. But not in conversation or marriage talks. But in showing by actions how you have grown.

IF you do talk. Talk about your GAL activities.

And when she brings up new experiences.... Do not get puppy dog eyes or sad.

Just remember that she has shared some experiences without you the last while. Use it to push you through when you feel your guard dropping.

[LostIn407]

Thanks for posting. This is just difficult for me.

A couple of weeks ago, I asked "What's up with you and him?". She replied "Not so much". This was after we had a good night together. This was backed up by her sister who told me they were on the outs.

Today, we had lunch together. She came over after work and had dinner. I asked if she was eating and running. She asked why. I said I had a movie she has been wanting to watch. She replied "Maybe I already have movie plans". She said it in a joking way, but maybe she was serious. She said she has to pack for the trip, wash her hair, etc tonight.

I want to ask her what is going on with her and OM. But part of me says to not even worry about the OM. W and I do things together. I hear OM is just a bum that wants to sit around her apartment. He can't compete with me.

I want to ask, but am afraid of the answer. I see that my W wants to do things with me. Spend time with me. But I don't see her heart following. I feel like I am setting myself up to fall.

But maybe I need to fall to remind myself to back off.

[chatterbug]

He cannot compete with you. But he has. And he has won something that is very personal. You will never forget him ever. For he will be in your mind to the end of your days.

So do not bring up OM.

Again lead with change and actions.

Leave the words behind for now.

Once she has shown repeatedly through actions that she is working to be back with you. That is when you can start to judge her words.


GO READ THIS FORUM ON FALSE RECOVERY.

Guard yourself. Expect nothing.

[LostIn407]

I need help.

This trip has got me all torn up. Part of me doesn't want to go anymore. I think I set myself up for failure.

I just want it over right now, which is not good. I want to have the talk and get it over.

When we get back, I think I am going to have to just go dim and stop doing anything with the W. I am getting too attached and I don't think she has moved at all.

Back to day one for me. All my progress is lost.

Half of me still thinks the trip will be a good thing. But the other half thinks the end result will be nothing.

I know a lot of people gave me advice which I did not listen to. I got myself into this mess. I am asking how I can recover after this trip so I don't have to go back to the beginning.

I am just in a bad place today.

[jks]

I have to say, do what feels right. Do you like where your R is headed? Do you want more commitment from your W?

If you do, then allowing this type of behavior from her is probably not going in the direction you want. There's nothing wrong with giving her a lot of space to figure out what she wants. It sounds like she doesn't know yet.

I know it's a hard balance for you because you feel like going out and doing things with your W is what's helping her want to come back. But I think she already has seen some of the big changes that you've made and realizes that things can be different.

Why not pull away completely and allow her to MISS you. She will soon find out that she's losing something and that's an amazing person who respects himself enough to not stand for being played...