This is not looking good! (Long post...)

[Accuray]

mab1,

Please believe she thought about it for more than a week -- it may feel like it was spur of the moment, but it was more likely a "straw that broke the camel's back" that occurred in the moment. I guarantee that she had been unhappy and thinking of leaving for a LONG time, but she hid it from you. People almost always hide these thoughts from their spouse because of the fear that the spouse will say "me too" and boot them out, and then they're afraid they'll reconsider. Therefore, they will work everything through FIRST before they tell you that anything is wrong, and then it's too late for a quick response. That sux but that's how it works.

It's too late for a quick response, but it's not too late to respond at all, that's what 180 is all about.

If you get a divorce request, the best advice I've seen here is to say something like:

"I understand that you feel that way. I believe our marriage is worth saving, and I'm willing to do the work to have the best marriage possible. For that reason, I will continue to work on myself to be the best husband possible. That said, if you really want a divorce, I won't stand in your way. My expectation is that you will do the work to drive the process and I will respond when necessary. I wish it didn't have to come to this, but I do want you to be happy."

The bottom line is that if you dig in and resist, you will trigger their fight or flight response which makes them want to run and once again makes you the bad guy.

Many times, because they waited so long before leaving, they felt "trapped" for a long time, with you as the person holding the key to the cage. You need to be very aware of this and avoid behaviors where you would be perceived as telling them what to do, or limiting what you'll "allow" them to do, or trying to tell them what is best for them.

In terms of getting a handle on your emotions, which you are struggling with, the suggestions that have been offered on your thread are good ones:

1) Set reasonable goals for yourself, that only you are needed to achieve. Why is this valuable? (a) it restores your feeling of self-control and counteracts that "drowning" feeling and (b) it rebuilds your self-esteem -- it helps you to validate yourself by seeing what you accomplished

2) Exercise -- the endorphins help to improve your mood following a workout, and the activity itself helps you shed anger and aggression.

3) Look as good as you can -- lose weight, get in better shape, and improve your dress. This serves to both make the WAS take notice because you're doing something they wouldn't expect, and simultaneously helps with your self-esteem

4) GAL -- Get a life. Most important is to get out and meet new people. Volunteering or meetups are a good choice because you're in a context where interaction is expected. Taking a Yoga class may not be as good an idea because people don't spend a lot of time socializing with each other in that context. Trying to meet people in bars is probably also not a good choice, many people are looking to "hook up" in that context so people have an extra wall up in many cases. Volleyball, softball, sports teams, that kind of stuff is great.

If that's not enough and you really want to be "doing" something, think about this -- "people like to be with people who make them feel good about themselves"

Accuray