One thing I found helpful at this stage, was to pencil out various economic scenarios and see how they compared. For instance:
H pays half the house payments and splits the equity when kids turn 18. You get half the retirement plans and half the debts.
You "buy" H out of the house by giving him back an equivalent share of the 401k. This gives you a better chance for increased equity in the home and more freedom as to who lives there, but also ties up all your money in the house - more risky.
You sell the house now and buy a smaller, more affordable place. This will depend on what you can qualify for. More disruptive to the kids but may be the best financial move for you.
Try to price your alternatives out several years, to see what the bottom line looks like. Enlist a friend who is good with numbers if this isn't your thing. Identify your goals and see what gets you closest to them. (Mine were a house I could pay off entirely before 65, a house big enough for my mother to live with me, a cash cushion in case I have a major health issue and can't work, extra cash to help pay my share of kids' college expenses). My share of my ex's pension should be enough for me in retirement IF I get my house paid off, so my current budget includes large extra payments on my mortgage. To tell the truth, if I weren't responsible for my mother, I wish I could have bought a smaller place and had it paid off by now.
Try to imagine ALL your options - however improbable - and pencil them out. You will be able to COBRA your health insurance for 36 months after the divorce - don't forget to calculate the cost of insurance into your budget (mine is $570 a month). You may be able to find cheaper coverage with a new policy, depending on your health and other factors.
