gabbysmom23, I'm so sorry about your sitch!! That must have been horrible for you. I suspect it would have been just as horrible, maybe moreso, if you were 12, and probably just as bad if you were 30. I give your dad credit because I'm sure it must have been hard for him to stay even that long. Actually, I'm sorry for your mom, too. I'm sure it wasn't a good life for her either.
All I can say is that I believe what I'm doing for S, staying until he's off on his own, is the best thing for him. I'm sure that's open for debate from many camps, but living in the middle of this one, I think it's best.
Originally Posted By: gabbysmoms23
But what DO you enjoy/like about him? Anything?/
If I didn't answer, perhaps I was still trying to think of something. Sorry, I wasn't meaning to ignore you. Sometimes these threads start getting complicated and fast.
And I'm afraid I'm still not having much luck coming up with something. It's not that I hate everything about everything he does, it just doesn't touch me. I'm indifferent more than anything. He has no hobbies, like painting or woodworking, so it's not like I can admire/enjoy his work. I hear he has a good golf swing and plays a good softball game, but those aren't interests of mine. He and I share the same faith, but it's not something we've ever been able to discuss together. There are many things I enjoy doing, but given the choice between doing it with him and someone else, I would readily choose someone else. When we first got M'd, we would do things together, but it was basically me doing his and his kid's things (swim meets, ball games, boating, etc.) I did their things because I thought it's what you did as a couple. I thought he would do my things with me, too. He didn't. He'd give it 2 minutes and say it wasn't for him and leave.
I would say he is always ready to do something fun. He is very social and can fit in almost anywhere. I realize I might appreciate that more if I didn't have it. It's just that when we go someplace, we generally go our separate ways so it's not like I really benefit from it anyway.
I'll keep working on it. I would love to hear what any of you enjoy doing with your S's..... Maybe it would give me some ideas.
Have you ever given him the ultimatum, either you hear me and work with me or else I am leaving?
Yes, I have. He is absolutely, positively on board and willing to work on our R. He will "listen," sort of (everything is responded to with 'yes, but' or 'no, but'), and commit to all sorts of changes. He does this with me and/or with counselors.
He just doesn't follow through.
I've asked him if he remembers the promises he's made to me. He doesn't. He's not likely to keep a promise he doesn't remember.
CV I can't unring a bell. I can't tell you if I'd go back to the same marriage because the people who were in it don't exist anymore.
My marriage suffered because of how I responded to how H is. He might still be that way but I respond differently and so I feel and act differently, and so does H. There is no more 'same marriage as before.'
I thought like you, that my H was the problem. I thought, like you, that my kids were better off in the imperfect m we had than if I were to leave. I really couldn't imagine that my H would leave, so I thought the problems were mine to tolerate. I wished he would change, and I was waiting and hoping that he would change. After the bomb, only one thing really changed and that was my perception of him. All the growth and improvement came from that.
What do you hope to get from these forums?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Just some insight from other folks in struggling M's. Ideas on what works and what doesn't. Like the R we had with friends regarding blended family issues, someone to bounce things off of. An objective perspective (meaning not mine.)
I've really enjoyed our chats, Ad, but I don't want to do that to you anymore. Unless you need something from me. You've got too much on your plate.
You're not doing anything to me, but I did wonder what you were working towards in your sitch, and looking for from the people here.
I feel like a broken record playing the focus on you song. I guess it's because it worked for me even though my husband is bent on getting a divorce. It saved me from hopelessness and it made me a better potential relationship partner, and it gives me an endless job to do on myself that keeps me out of fixing my husband's stuff.
I think you have nothing to lose if you're already in an unfulfilling marriage, by forgetting about fixing H and instead working on your own issues. Learning to like him and to accept the things he does wrong and to notice the things he does well. I don't know, I could go on. But it's the biggest thing I've learned here that "worked for me." I think if you divorce when S goes to college, you'll look back and feel good about that work; if you grit your teeth and bear it by avoiding h as much as possible, will that feel good to look back at?
I had the same question about whether it's better to D when kids are small, medium, big, or grown. My psychologist friend says it is never better - it is traumatic at every age. I watch all the D's that happen around me and think it's better when the kids are very young. Now that I'm looking at high school or what I had wanted, college, I think high school is better. They're still under our wing and can benefit from seeing how we handle adversity and conflict, and can settle into a new understanding of our family now, not when they're out in the world for the first time on their own. We give them roots and wings, and I think I'm ok with pulling out the roots and making sure they can fly while they're still minors. This is a personal decision for each of us (or our spouses) and my T says it matters more how you handle the problems than what age they are when you split.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Well, you're certainly welcome to visit anytime! I just didn't want you feeling bad because of what we talked about.
I don't have a problem at all working on myself. I always have, always will. I have a slew of issues that have nothing to do with M. I realize there's really nothing I can do to get him to change anything, and I really don't expect that he will.
Originally Posted By: Adinva
Learning to like him and to accept the things he does wrong
This is my dilemma. I don't know how to like him when he repeatedly does things like the van. I can accept that he's going to do those things and "go get my own drink," but that just makes me draw away from him. Drawing away from him physically all the time causes me to draw away from him emotionally. I don't know too many people that "like" the person that "abuses" them (generically speaking,) regardless of whether they can rationalize their behavior.
In regards to S, a lot can happen in the next 6 years. It's not like I have a plan to pack for S for college one week and for me moving a week later. It's just that I can't imagine being with H if S is not around as an excuse. I don't have a reason to be around him. Like proverbial empty-nesters that don't have anything in common besides the kids. This was very evident when S was away at camp a few weeks ago, or whenever he has a sleepover. Friends will comment about us having a romantic night alone, and all I can think is "bummer!"
Honestly, I don't even care if we D. I look more to the future as one where we simply have separate lives, each do our own thing. I hope to get a job that I would really enjoy where I get to travel a lot. Like you, I've adjusted my career life around being available for S. I've worked from home for way too long and I look forward to the freedom to choose differently. H will retire 10 years before me, and I look at that as an opportunity for him to spend time with his extended family, with whom he is already enmeshed. It's not like he's incapable of taking care of himself. It's not like he's a child that I'm abandoning.
Originally Posted By: Adinva
if you grit your teeth and bear it by avoiding h as much as possible, will that feel good to look back at?
Yesterday, we took S to a movie. Afterwards, we stopped by Home Depot to get a few things. H wants to look at ceiling fans for the deck (he's obsessed, we can't use it for 3 months.) He could have gone to look at them himself while I shopped some other things, but he insisted that I go with him. "Come on, come on, well just look."
H: What about this one? (huge, 58" fan) CV: It's too big. H: No it's not. (then why did you ask me?) CV: Look, see this picture on the box? It shows that we would need to drop it more than 48" inches to clear the ceiling. H: No we wouldn't. That shows it mounted on a slanted ceiling. We'll be mounting it at the peak. CV: Right, which means we have two slanted ceilings to consider (vaulted ceiling.) H: (pause) Oh. Well I still think it would work! We have that much clearance. CV: You can keep looking, I'm going to lawn and garden. (and walked off)
Later when we got home, when I was out on the deck, he measured the ceiling and showed me that it would come just below the side beams.
H: See, it would drop to about here. CV: I know, that's too low. H: No it's not. CV: Whatever. H: Just think how much air it would move! We could sit out here.... (blah-blah)
I feel like the bad guy all the time. He wants me to be happy with what he's happy with, but if I'm not, he has this look like I'm raining on his parade. I'm not entitled to have a different opinion.
So yesterday I tried to engage, but it does not make me feel good to look back on. Personally, I would have felt better if I had declined and went my own way in the first place. Sorry.
I could care less about the fan. I could care less about what he does with the fan or if he needs to go through the effort of purchasing it, assembling it, and installing it before he sees that it doesn't work. I could care less if he installs it and it hits him in the head a few times. This is why I tried to use a hypothetical, to take the focus off the minutia.
My exchanges with H are degrading to me. They are basically, "What do you think," "I think xyz," "Well, that's wrong." That is certainly what was demonstrated in the conversation about the fan. I walked off because it was obvious to me he didn't care for anything I had to offer.
If he would respond with, "Really? Why do you think that?" then I would feel like he actually wants to know what I think, instead of just setting me up to be a punching bag, like no matter what I say, he's going to immediately disagree with it so why bother.
Exactly. Why bother? Why don't you just say, "it's up to you. It really doesn't matter to me." Because, when you throw in the towel (walk away) like you do, you're leaving the choice up to him anyway so why go through this struggle to begin with?
Can you answer that?
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
