I'm a new person

[vera be fierce]

25 - thank you for the jurisdiction/state lines analogy.

[2chiquitos]

Imagine being South Carolina. You run your state your way and the way your folks want it run and you have coast line to think of and southern heritage.

Now imagine Idaho, which does NOT have coast line or the same heritage, telling the world what is wrong with South Carolina.

South Carolina would laugh it all off and say "Who are YOU, Idaho, to tell US how or what to do?"

THIS WAS VERY VERY HELPFUL!

Today I told H, We had such a great time on Friday and I'm angry with myself that I allowed gossip to ruin it. I allowed the weekend to ruin it. I'm also grateful that you encouraged me to talk to my friends so that they stop coming to me with gossip.

I'm getting better at this. At least now I understand it better. I need to stop beating myself up when I miss out on opportunities to detach.

EX. I received 10 missed calls from H while I was putting the kids to bed. He was worried that I had heard more gossip and was ignoring him. I comforted him by letting him know that I'm ok and that if I hear gossip again, I will be much more mature about it.

I have a feeling I shoulda just said, I was busy with bedtime and left it at that, right?

[2chiquitos]

just got off the phone w H. He said, wherever we are next 4th of July, of course unless you meet a really great guy, we should celebrate it together.

this made me realize H wants me to be happy, w or w/o someone else, but not him.

[LITB]

EX. I received 10 missed calls from H while I was putting the kids to bed. He was worried that I had heard more gossip and was ignoring him. I comforted him by letting him know that I'm ok and that if I hear gossip again, I will be much more mature about it.

I have a feeling I shoulda just said, I was busy with bedtime and left it at that, right?

You did perfectly fine with your response.

this made me realize H wants me to be happy, w or w/o someone else, but not him.

You will find that both yours and your H's feelings will change over the course of time just like they did to get to this point. I wouldn't put too much stock into that interaction, other than you can communicate with each other in a civil manner. That in and of itself is a good thing.

[2chiquitos]

I wouldn't put too much stock into that interaction, other than you can communicate with each other in a civil manner. That in and of itself is a good thing.

Thanks LITB. I'm trying not to rely on everything he says. Today he made a comment about the end of his cousin's that was different than before. He blamed his cousin's wife's anger (same as he does with us) for the rift in their marriage. However today he agreed that it was both her anger and his cousin not helping her out with the house and 3kids that troubled their marriage. Funny how he just wanted to see his cousin as the victim. Anyways...
How's the bay area treating you? I went to Cal and miss the summer weather and the beautiful views!

[2chiquitos]

I've been reading up on other people's posts and I'm noticing that I have been very slow in the DB path. I believe it's because of the events that occurred after the affair was discovered.

I would constantly text him very very mean things for a few weeks.Aug. In Jan he said that he would still get freaked out when he saw on his cell that I had text him. He still worried I would send the same mean texts.

I spoke with OW. This is how I discovered the affair. For 2-3 weeks we talked daily and exchanged info on his lies before I discovered the affair. She would actually comfort me and tell me he'll come back.

I confronted OW at the gym.Sept. She had secretly started pursuing H again a month after I discovered the affair and they got back together. H hid it from me. I went psycho and sent OW and I would send each other mean texts back n forth.

After he confirmed they got back together, I thought I was DB'ing for a few weeks but didn't do 180s or GAL. I didn't even do "act as if" really well. He saw through me.

I gave up. Oct. I stopped and went dark. I didn't see a change in him for a month. Now I know why. He saw the same person I was before and I didn't really change much.

I started to take a hard look at myself but to win him back. Nov-Dec. I did 180s and GALs for him, not me.

I snooped. Dec. I found out he had vacationed with OW/GF and I confronted him, yelled at him, belittled him, and left the state with the kids for 2weeks.

I made empty threats. Jan. I said we shouldn't see each other during the week and he should only see the kids on weekends. I did this to hurt him but to cut him out of my life as much as I could. (we were seeing each other everyday).

I finally got it! Feb. I practiced his LLs and GAL for ME! and did 180s for ME!

I sometimes beat myself up with I shoulda, coulda, woulda but as I've read before, everyone does this at their own pace.

I had a DB Coach from Nov-Feb but it wasn't until I stopped talking to my coach that I really started working it.

So it's been about 5mos of DBing and every month I learn something new about myself and about H.

I can say that this month, I'm learning to express my anger in positive ways. I used to lash out, then I completely shut down, but now resentment is creeping up and I realized I need to work through my anger.

I also learned that H wants me to be happy and he knows he can't do that for me. I need to do it on my own. So I seriously need to do more GALs but it's just so hard when I have a 1yo that nurses. I will be patient. I tell myself, in a year D1 will be more independent and I will be able to do more. Til then, I need to meditate, enjoy my children and live in the present.

[bustingout]

Wow vero what a timeline of growth you have shared. I am so inspired! I think it might be normal to not 'get it' right away. I know I thought I did and now I am just realising ...just touching the tip of understanding that I have probably not even begun. So to read what you have written gives me understanding.

How are you?

[2chiquitos]

I'm ok. Seriously, it was difficult to write all that down but I thought it was important for me to understand that I am unusual but usual, KWIM?

Many have shared about their H/Ws going on vacation with OP but didn't react the way I did. And I rarely hear about LBS confronting OP. It's obvious why. And all that snooping really tore me apart. I thought that by discovering more I would be more reluctant to want to try. Instead it was like pouring salt over a wound.

I'm still raw after that last post. But it's a good raw because after this comes an opportunity for me to be more accepting of healing myself.
from Hurting, to healing to helping...

How r u??

[bustingout]

hi vero,

i am good today, thanks.i can understand feeling raw. i felt like two days ago after a big post to J3B and the one I had yesterday.

but it does help in the healing i agree.

and you have definitely been a help to me.

take care of youself tonight. thinking of you..
(( ))

[2chiquitos]

bustingout-I read your posts and WOW you're right that was a lot, but great advice! How are you doing today? How's Germany treating you?

We had a really nice day today. Took kids to swim class and the flea market after. Met a couple who just moved to LA from NY. Made me think of how nice it was to talk to people who don't know about our sitch.

The day was hot and H wants the kids to tan (without sunblock). I'm afraid of skin cancer and so you can imagine how we used to conflict on this. So I lathered up kids and H with sunblock and we bathed in the sun at the flea market. He makes fun of me because I leave the kids and him white with sunblock. good times

Today he said he wants us to have separate bday parties for D1, for the sake of my family. They can't be in the same room as him. So he wants me to have a small party at my house (without him) and he will have something at his parents house (w me).

I hate the thought of separating Ds party but I think he's right. Honestly, I think I will resent my family. I'd rather just not have anything at my house and have something at his.