Well, you're certainly welcome to visit anytime! I just didn't want you feeling bad because of what we talked about.
I don't have a problem at all working on myself. I always have, always will. I have a slew of issues that have nothing to do with M. I realize there's really nothing I can do to get him to change anything, and I really don't expect that he will.
Originally Posted By: Adinva
Learning to like him and to accept the things he does wrong
This is my dilemma. I don't know how to like him when he repeatedly does things like the van. I can accept that he's going to do those things and "go get my own drink," but that just makes me draw away from him. Drawing away from him physically all the time causes me to draw away from him emotionally. I don't know too many people that "like" the person that "abuses" them (generically speaking,) regardless of whether they can rationalize their behavior.
In regards to S, a lot can happen in the next 6 years. It's not like I have a plan to pack for S for college one week and for me moving a week later. It's just that I can't imagine being with H if S is not around as an excuse. I don't have a reason to be around him. Like proverbial empty-nesters that don't have anything in common besides the kids. This was very evident when S was away at camp a few weeks ago, or whenever he has a sleepover. Friends will comment about us having a romantic night alone, and all I can think is "bummer!"
Honestly, I don't even care if we D. I look more to the future as one where we simply have separate lives, each do our own thing. I hope to get a job that I would really enjoy where I get to travel a lot. Like you, I've adjusted my career life around being available for S. I've worked from home for way too long and I look forward to the freedom to choose differently. H will retire 10 years before me, and I look at that as an opportunity for him to spend time with his extended family, with whom he is already enmeshed. It's not like he's incapable of taking care of himself. It's not like he's a child that I'm abandoning.
Originally Posted By: Adinva
if you grit your teeth and bear it by avoiding h as much as possible, will that feel good to look back at?
Yesterday, we took S to a movie. Afterwards, we stopped by Home Depot to get a few things. H wants to look at ceiling fans for the deck (he's obsessed, we can't use it for 3 months.) He could have gone to look at them himself while I shopped some other things, but he insisted that I go with him. "Come on, come on, well just look."
H: What about this one? (huge, 58" fan) CV: It's too big. H: No it's not. (then why did you ask me?) CV: Look, see this picture on the box? It shows that we would need to drop it more than 48" inches to clear the ceiling. H: No we wouldn't. That shows it mounted on a slanted ceiling. We'll be mounting it at the peak. CV: Right, which means we have two slanted ceilings to consider (vaulted ceiling.) H: (pause) Oh. Well I still think it would work! We have that much clearance. CV: You can keep looking, I'm going to lawn and garden. (and walked off)
Later when we got home, when I was out on the deck, he measured the ceiling and showed me that it would come just below the side beams.
H: See, it would drop to about here. CV: I know, that's too low. H: No it's not. CV: Whatever. H: Just think how much air it would move! We could sit out here.... (blah-blah)
I feel like the bad guy all the time. He wants me to be happy with what he's happy with, but if I'm not, he has this look like I'm raining on his parade. I'm not entitled to have a different opinion.
So yesterday I tried to engage, but it does not make me feel good to look back on. Personally, I would have felt better if I had declined and went my own way in the first place. Sorry.
